This is WHAT I am.

Accept it.

Don't waste your time by trying to change me. Don't try to influence me to live my life the way you do. I'M NOT LIKE YOU.

As for my identity, I really don't know who I am. I never will. I'll always be on a path of self-discovery, always searching for new ways to improve as a woman, as a daughter, as a student, as a child of God. I'm never going to stop. I won't let anything or anyone--except God--get in the way of that.

"The biggest space there is to fill is the space for improvement."

Good.

I donated blood yesterday. It wasn't excruciating or anything, just felt like something pinched me and held the pinch for 4 and a half minutes. It was a very fun experience. I felt like I did something good. I wouldn't mind donating again.

I've been very dysfunctional in the past month or so. I've been on my feet a lot. The words "stressed out" doesn't seem to describe the sensation tho. And "busy" doesn't cut it either. It's just what it is and it's making me the way I am: half way to crazy.

Hmm.. "Half-way to Crazy." That'd make a good song/album cover.

So! Music... Let's see... I told people that I was seriously gonna take up piano, as in sit myself down and teach myself. But I haven't. I don't even have a piano to practice with. Does anyone want to get me an electric/roll-up piano for Christmas? =P Anyway, I've been trying to get more musical. It's been a while since I've picked up my guitar, but I've returned to before: jamming with myself. I'm trying to teach myself a new way of playing the guitar--I feel compelled to learn how to play classically. If I get enough money for Christmas, I think I'm going to buy a fully equipped, but cheap and used, drum set--depending if I have a place to put it in my house. Either a complete, used set or a brand new Djembe, all for me! =)

Last year, I got a book for Christmas. It's about learning how to read notes. I still don't know how to read and I've only on page 9 or so in the book. Maybe I'll pick it up during winter break or something.

But then I have to read a book throughout the break. Any book. I have this urge to reread "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky, but I also would like to pick up a classic novel like "The Catcher in The Rye" by J.D. Salinger. (Random: Did you know that "The Catcher in The Rye" is the most stolen book from public libraries?) And I would read the 6th Harry Potter book, but it wouldn't count for my winter assignment. Anyone wanna get me those for Christmas? =D

"Advice" that was given to me from my horoscope said to confide in someone and learn how to ask for help. And so I shall. =)

Good day today--for the most part. Haha. Good day everyday--for the most part! =)

The brighter side is always the better side.

Together, as one

I dunno. I felt like sharing my homework with the world. I had to write a poem and so here it is:

A. B. C. D. E. F G.

As flats and sharps,

Minors and majors,

6ths and 7ths,

Diminished and suspended

Chords are played—

Not it, not I, but WE—

We are heard

Together, as one.

I wrap the fingers of my left hand

Around it’s neck, over the frets,

And place my calloused fingertips

On the different-colored, different-sized, Cold, slick, steel strings.

We unite

Together, as one.

With my right hand,

The strings are both caressed and thwacked.

Clink. Clank.

With every pluck of the strings,

My heart sings

About faith, hope, love and life.

Whish. Whoosh.

With every strum by my hand,

My soul commands

The energy and attention

That strengthens the performance of a lifetime.

I, because of small beads of sweat, and

It, because of its smooth, glossy finish,

Both glisten in the spotlight

Together, as one.

Together, as one,

We become a star.

Hands down,

This is the best thing I can ever remember.

The sight of a live audience,

Together, as one,

Swaying, snapping, clapping, singing and

Listening intently to every

Soft, loud, melodious, harmonious

Sound that comes from

Us, on the stage.

I stop, think, and take a look around

At all the lights and sounds

As they brighten our performance,

With natural, pastel colors

And sweet, angelic voices

For all the slow, mellow ballads

And bright, neon lights

With loud, screams of excitement

For the fast, upbeat, rock songs.

There’s no need to complicate,

Our time is short. This is our fate:

(I’m Yours)

To unite people of different cultures,

Different ethnic backgrounds,

Different socioeconomic statuses,

Together, as one,

Through music, through song,

Throughout life.

Together,

Me and my guitar,

We are a bright star.

Combined or divided,

We are important instruments

WE ARE ONE.

And so will be the world.

Welcome to my world.

Running Away

I often tend to mentally run away.

That's it.

I think I have so much on my mind that I just can't seem to write it down.

Life is Wonderful

"Life is Wonderful" It's a very interesting song by Jason Mraz. Currently, it's the song on my myspace, so if you haven't heard it, go check it out.

"What is a vocation?"
"It's when you work for a long time and then you take a break!" - R.M.
Hahah...

Only 23 days 'til Christmas! =)

You know what's sad? How many relationships are torn or broken this year. I really hope things change for the better. Everyone deserves a second chance.

Nez's Wish List(*)/New Year's Resolutions(+):
* That the world keeps "Christ" in "CHRISTmas"
+ To become less "sheltered" without committing sins
+ To be more trusting & not be so scared to get hurt
+ To greet others even if it might be awkward
*+ To get skinnier or fitter. Hah! (A girl can dream).
* Disney's Little Mermaid DVD
* Contact Lenses
* Guitar Strings
+ Improve time-management skills
more to come...

Dislike

I have this strong feeling that a few some of my teachers strongly dislike me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's really hard to "read" teachers, but I really think I'm right...

Anyway, I'm very much not in a good mood. I'm sleepy and irritated and I want to go home. It was cold and raining this morning but now, the sun is shinning and the day is getting warmer as I type.

Compare

I have been told that I should not compare myself to my friends, my siblings or the standards of my parents. But how would I know if I’m doing something good when someone is not doing bad? How do I know I’m making something of myself if someone already hasn’t made something of themselves? How do I know if I’m acting like a good Christian if I don’t compare myself to Jesus Christ?

Psychology

Today, we talked about death in psych.
"What are you most scared of leaving behind if you die?" --or something of that sort.
My answer: responsibilities.

I don't know why, but I'm very much afraid of burdening people. I don't like passing on my responsibilities to other people. Even if I'm stressed out, even if I know I'm overloaded and tired and can't do anything anymore, I often refuse to let someone else do my work. Is it because I don't trust anyone? Maybe. Is it because I know they already have enough things aside from my things to worry about? Maybe. I really don't know.

Silence.

"Quietly"/"Silently" - Harlem Yu

What is hiding in the air?
I'm a little touched by romance.
I secretly look at you
And you secretly look at me too.
What more did the world gain?
It seems so different from before.
Standing beside you makes everything so encompassing.

I'm still waiting for you to quietly love me.
As long as you keep me company, the silence is enough.
You're also waiting for me to quietly be gentle.
We'll hold hands and quietly watch the sky.

What are you hiding in your heart?
You just need to make me understand.
My dream turns out to be your dreams too.
What did you write on the paper?
I really want to hear you say it,
To let every word and every sentence
Be filled with our smiles.

Remember the promise we made that day?
The sparks that lit that moment
Is what we have between us.
Forever.

Quietly holding hands together is the simplest dream.


Silence. It doesn't necessarily mean consent, nor does it mean anything more than "No". It's just... there.

It's something I really do long for.

Google

They bought Youtube and they done-did bought Blogger.

It has to start from me. I need to pull myself together. For my sake. Then for everyone else's sake. And I will.

Senioritis. Gah.

I will get better. I will be better.

Lord, help me.

Breathe, stretch, pray & repeat.

Lucky Star.

Tonight, I stood outside in my backyard, hoping to catch sight of some stars--particularly of my Lucky Star. To my dismay, when I looked up, the sky was full of clouds so thick, it made it nearly impossible to find any star at all. I turn my head and looked up towards another part of the sky and suddenly, the clouds parted. I saw one star, then another and then a third... I saw the stars, sparkling above me. I realized how small my problems really are.

How many people are at your house? How many people are on your block? How many people are there within the radius of 5 blocks? 1 mile? So how many people live in your city? County? State? How many are there in your country? How many are there in the world who are suffering from a grave disease, who are living in poverty, who are going hungry or who can't even afford to drink clean, fresh water? Answer: A lot.

And then there's ONE of you.

"Be A Good Catholic"

Tell me about it... it sure isn't easy.

How do you...
...not get irritated by certain people?
...live without regret?
...know you're making the right decisions?
...dance?
...get over pain?
...tell the difference between wanting to spend money and needing to spend it?
...not get distracted?
...know if someome likes you?
...who you are?

aaand... BREAK!

God,
in a lot of different ways,
told me to rest tomorrow.
And so I think I will.

I know I do a lot of things, but I've always thought that although my plate is full, I'll never be full. I felt like I'll never be satisfied with what I have. I'd always want more than I can handle, more than I should have, more of what I didn't have before. And now that I have what I wanted, now that I have things in my grasp, on my plate, I don't know what to do. I know for a fact that I can't finish what I've started--at least not on my own.

I need my parents. I need them to look after me, eat the little leftovers, pick up the crumbs... It's what they've always done, but for some reason, I thought I don't need that anymore. But I do. Now more than ever.

I need my friends, my faith and those that I'm serving. I need to know that pick up the right food to eat, that I'm emotionally, mentally and spiritually feeding myself properly. I need someone to eat with, converse with and rely on to help me up when I'm too full of it that I can't even bring myself up. I need them to remind me that there are other places to eat at and other people who are starving. I need them to tell me that I can't have everything that I want.

Tonight, I've gotten what I need. My eyes have been opened. Tonight, I refuse to sit at the table and watch my health deteriorate. I'm getting up. I'm leaving. I'm walking away from the table. For now.

But I'll be back. With a better control over my diet and desires. With a smaller plate that I'll be able to carry. With less food that I know I'll be able to finish on my own. I'll be back to make everyone who has supported me proud. To prove to the devil that I will no longer be selfish and glutenous. To prove to myself that tonight has changed me forever.

Deng. Weird blog, isn't it?
I don't even know why I decided to make it all long..
All this food analogy crap makes me hungry.
Maybe it's because I didn't eat dinner...

Goodnight!

Bad But Not The Worst.

It seems to me that after bad things comes worse things, but I believe that things will never come to the worst. Why? Because in the past two weeks, I've gone through a lot and I don't think much of the tension is going to die off any time soon.

So it's been a year since I had real, hardcore tension between another person. And it was a lot easier than now--at least I'd like to think so. Why? Because I like to think that I knew the person I had tension with to a certain extent, meaning I had a slight idea of when to talk to the person about the issue or not. This time around, I don't know the person too well, making it hard to find the right time to communicate with this person.

I don't think I'll be going to Homecoming anymore. It's only $37, but compared to all the other events I've got lined up for the rest of the school year, I believe $37 can be invested into something more productive and necessary. Here are the few major "events": college applications, After-Thanksgiving sale/x-mas shopping, winter formal (maybe?), '07 Confirmation Retreat, Jinger's Debut, a car (maybe?), and then all the other school stuff like AP testing and Prom...

About that car, I REALLY think I should stick with the Lancer. Especially since I drove into the garage door today. Ha. No worries. I only scratched the car and the door doesn't seem broken--just some red paint from the car on it. I told my parents straight up and didnt even try to hide it. Maybe I won't get to drive for a while...

Like I said, things can get pretty bad and go to worse, but never would they become the worst.

Maybe. Just Maybe.

Maybe I really don't want to go out with you. Maybe not. Maybe I just enjoy entertaining the thought of it. I have no clue.

But hello! I visited you last Monday. Doesn't that account for anything??

There are reasons to why things are not working out. I know of some of those reasons, but I don't know all. It's complicated. I'm complicated. I'm irrational when it comes to making rational decisions. I'm busy. I'm not the typical girl. You should know that by now.

Sometimes I wonder how I ever got into this--whatever "this" is. It was just a random spur of the moment thing, so quick and so swift. It's not foreign, but it's something still new to me. I don't know what I'm doing.

Gah. I hope you read this.

Last and the First

Everything's been put on hold. And I'm greatful for it. I love it oh-so-much. Sometimes, it just takes a little pause to truly see how much we take things forgranted, how busy we've become and how little time we have left.

We were kids before. We didn't know how to communicate, we were fascianted by simple house keys and were curious. What happened to that curiosity? What happened to that longing for simplicity? What happened to that sense of innocence, that equal balance of good and bad? What happened to being carefree and just enjoying what you have?

Switching Gears

So in my 9th grade year, a 9th grade English class had a project which consisted of making a CD. I happend to have gotten my hands on a copy of this CD. It was called "Switching Gears" and each student participated in the making of it by picking out a song which related to them in some way. Though I was not in the class, I still remember this. Why? Because it's such a brilliant idea. It's a time capsule on its own. Some how, despite my not being in the class, I, too, have memories attached to the songs on that CD.

Over and over, I write about how much I've changed. And over and over, I'm caught offguard, amazed by how much change has occurred within my life, within my personality. I've been asked/given new tasks, most of which never even crossed my mind. Who know's if I'm really made to do it? One thing's for sure: I'm definitely open to new and more responsibilities. My new philosophy: If someone is asking me to do something, God must be telling me I'm doing something right because I'm being trusted to do more good and serve in different ways in His name.

Another topic that's always been lingering within my mind are tribulations I've recently experienced and witnessed. (There really is a difference between the two...) I'm currently going through many problems due to my lack of skills in the field of communication. I realized that it correlates to the lack of communication I have with God. And once again, I find myself in miserable, lonely situations because I've not prayed as fervently as before and also have not put my trust in Him.

Anyway, I drove my friend's car today. It's a stick shift. Maybe it's why my subject is switching gears. I'm not the same person as I was yesterday. Who knows if I'm better or worse... but I know that I am changed. And I know that I have grown. And that every night, before I go to sleep, for the rest of my life, I will never be the same person that I woke up to be.

Givens

You shouldn't discern about something which you know is already wrong/bad.

You can't have everything. Scarcity exists.

The opportunity cost of telling someone your secret is having them getting to know you. Believe it or not, it's one of the biggest opportunity costs out there.

When you scream instead of sing, you will definitely mess up your vocal chords and voice.

When you're tired, you should go to sleep.

I'm a kid

So! About that whole previous post about feeling like and being treated like an adult... don't screw it over or anything, but forget about it for just a second... just for this post.

I lied. I'm a kid. I still play games--just as much as everyone does. I beat around the bush wayy to much. Why? Because I don't know how to discern. I don't know if I should do the things I do because I doubt myself wayyy too much.

I went to a play called "Doubt" a few weeks ago;
"Doubt means engagement with ideas. It means taking on the necessary pain of working your way through life instead of subscribing blindly to received wisdom. It means that knowing life is occasionally about altering course, rethinking and being open to change."

I don't know... the things I do now... I don't know if I should just stop doubting and, like the famous Nike slogan, "Just do it."

It's what I wanted. But it's not what I want. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being up front with you... but how can I, when I don't even know how far you and I stand from each other? I promise... we'll talk.

Growing up

Maybe I've written about this before... But I need to write it again. With the way I'm writing it this time, you'll definitely get to know me a little more. Haha.

Sometimes, I wonder if I've grown up too fast. For sure, I've changed, but in terms of maturity, I really do think I'm on the "grown-up" side.

From 7th grade and down, I've always been a little anti-social. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't a loner or anything. I had friends, but right from the get-go, I was already emotional. I had one best friend when I was in kindergarten and in 1st grade, but I had to move schools and didn't really know how to keep in touch with people at the age of 5. When I was in 2nd grade, the best friend I made moved away, and so did my second grade teacher whom I really grew to love because she made me feel loved at my new school. (What makes me sad is that I don't remember her name...) Then my brother was born. I can honestly say that I was a jealous kid (heck, I still am--sometimes!). And I thought I lost my family because everyone was paying attention to him (FYI: i was the spoilled, daddy's girl who had all the attention). When I finally made peace with my brother's presence (in 3rd grade), I also gained a mentality that I never wanted to get close to anyone because they'll end up leaving me. Weird right? Some 3rd grade, 8 year-old, little girl thinking such a thing. But it's true.

Then from 7th grade and up, I've hung out with a lot more older kids. During the summer before my freshman year, I was hanging out with a few high school kids and a bunch of college kids. Yeah, sure, they were my sister's friends, but they treated me like they're age and accepted me as me--not as Richelle's little sister. Over the years, I've taken on a lot more responsibilities concerning church and have learned a lot along the way. I've grown incredibly close with God and discovered new things about myself.

Now, I find myself hanging out with the working class, people who have graduated, trying to get their masters and who are old enough to drink. I find myself lingering in their territory, having intellectual, politically-loaded, spiritually-filled conversations while there are people my age (and a little older, but still under 21) laughing about tv shows, discussing Justin Timberlake's new CD and the latest video games just 10 feet away from me. And some of these 21+ older people whom I've just met don't even realize that I'm only 17 and that I'm still in high school. It doesn't make sense to me sometimes...

Without a doubt, random circumstances like the latter are blessings for me. Without a doubt, compared to the people my age, I feel more relaxed and secure with people who are older than myself. Without a doubt, (and please excuse my language) the past years fu*ked me up good, and I'm greatful for that.

Praise God. =)

Mistakes

"Believe it or not, I was trying to make everything better. I know you're angry but I hope you'll forgive me. It turns out sometimes you have to do the wrong thing, sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful but they're the only way to find out who we really are. I know who I am now. I know what I want. I got the love of my life. A new heart...Everything's gonna be differen't now. I promise, from here on out, nothing ever's going to be the same. I love you. Bye."
- Denny Duckette (Grey's Anatomy)

We start from the ground. You don't construct a building from the top to the bottom; you start with from the bottion and build a foundation--a firm foundation. The same goes for everything else in life. A relationship starts from practically scratch and its on you to be able to build a foundation strong enough to withstand all sorts of diasters aiming for it. A club--like Maharlika--has to start from the bottom and build its way up.

We're making mistakes but its part of the process. It's how we learn. We have to fall before we get up. We're falling. And falling. But I know that one day, we'll be able to get up and reach things we've never done before. I believe.

=)

It's about...

It's about strength and the courage to do right over wrong. To do good over bad. To reconcile instead of avoiding them. It's about love, hope and faith. How much do you have of each for others? For God? For yourself?

Can a good person go to heaven? Can a good person, without Christ, go to heaven?

I'm the type of person who needs structure. I need a sense of organization, a sense of order. I don't know what I'd do without it. But strangely enough, I'm probably the most disorganized and disoriented in my family... I'm probably the laziest, most ambitious person you'll ever come to meet. The even stranger part: I don't want to be this person. Don't get me wrong--being on track and on the ball is something I'd rather have than havoc, but I need to get out of the routine. I need to see and experience new things. I need more.

Or do I want more? It's so hard to differentiate between my desires and my necessities.

So many doubts. So many options. So many things...

I'm ready. For applications. For stress. For college. If not, then I will be. I have to keep telling myself this. Please, remind me that I'm not alone and that I'll be all right.

It's not about that...

"When you say that you love 'em
And you really know
Everything that used to matter, don't matter no more
Like my money, all my cars (You can have it all back)
Flowers, cards and candy (I do it just cause I'm...)"
-Usher

"It doesn't matter
'Bout the car I drive or
The ice around my neck
All that matters
Is that you recognize
That it's just about respect"
-Nsync

I don't know what happened yesterday on the way to church. I didn't realize that it could've possbily been a serious moment which I totally overlooked. There's a part of me that wants to take it seirously.. I mean --- deserves better than --, or at least I'd like to think so.

Bad Moves

So I have this thing where I try to be "on the ball" and sometimes end up making mistakes. I really do hope I didnt make any today... at least with the decisions I've made.

I can't be brought down this year. I refuse. I will fight to the end.

Jesus didn't say "Deny yourself, pick up a cake and follow me". No--he said "cross"!
Deng, I swear I love that girl... She is hilarious and always knows what to say.

Someone knows me now. Thank goodness.

Helpless

Today was definitely a weird day. Maybe because it's a Monday? Maybe because it was actually a REAL Monday... You know... those long days in school when you have so many things to do that you don't know what to do first...

It's one of those "off" days. Everything seemed out of proportion, out of place, out of order. I felt so overwhelmed and useless at the same time. I couldn't help myself do the things I needed to do, I couldn't help others the way I used to be able to, I couldn't stop worrying. I still can't. But then again, I can't always get what I want. Scarcity; AP Macro Econ's doing me some good...

"I walked through fire today and didn't get burnt."
I want to be a hero.

Afraid.

The media can really, and I mean REALLY, influence a person. Don't you think so?

There is a big difference between feeling burndened and feeling overjoyed. One of the two can be felt when serving others wherever you are; the College Center, the park, the Church. Frankly, I do feel the joy in serving. My English homework was to think over what I want to do with my future. I told so many different people yesterday... I really don't know what I'm doing with my life (in all aspects). I was once told that I would be the President of Maharlika and here I am: President. I was also told that I should go into the medical field, particularly into Physical Therapy. And here I am... seriously considering that path.

But I have so much doubt. In myself. In my abilities to learn, to succeed. I feel like I have so little to offer... But still, I have something, so why not share, right?

God, why am I afraid? Why can't I just let you and let go? Can't there just be clear answers to where you want me to go and who you want me to be and what you want me to do?

A Lot.

How is it that I can do so many things so shamelessly and effortlessly except greeting another person "Hello"?

I had a good talk with a good friend of mine, whom I appreciate and look up to, around Thursday night. I told her a lot of things I have never really talked about with anyone. Things that would make me cry, things that would make me laugh, things that I've recently discovered about myself, I told her. She told me one thing which no one has ever verbally told me: I'm emotionally scared.

It's hard for me to invest in relationships (friendships in particular). It's hard for me to say someone is a really good friend of mine because hardly anyone knows who I am. Yeah, I have a lot of friends, or actually, acquaintances, but how do I start them off? I get to know them before they get to know me. I hardly confide my deepest secrets, my inner most thoughts or anything else, for that matter, to anyone except when I know I either need help or really trust them. There are only a handful of people whom I've known which I've seriously talked to during my time in high school and, rediculously as it sounds, I can't even "grab the balls" to even say "hello" to them anymore.

Yesterday, I realized that there's a type of person I attempt to form a friendship with. The person is usually subtle and quiet in a sense that he/she has a lot to say about a lot of things but doesn't speak his/her mind. I have this set goal for myself, and of course for them as well, to open them up. I want to know what they really have to offer, who they really are because I refuse to believe they are "normal" or "ordinary" people. I want to see and learn about the other side of them; the intellectual, the analytical, the opinionated, the sensitive side which only a few people know of. (Btw, If you've ever confided in me, then I truly believe you are an awesome person.)

+EDIT+
9:58pm

I secretly want someone to find that side of me. I truly want someone to know who I am. But I can't seem to let that happen yet. Not after I wore my heart on my sleve and had it torn off and shattered. No matter if it happened accidentally, no matter if I know it happened weeks ago, months ago, years ago... I'm still haunted by the pain and the sorrow. Yeah, it's corny and sheepish and stupid, but it's also true.

I'm scarred. I'm scared. I'm me.

It's like skim boarding. Gliding along the shore, crashing into the waves, having an endless amount of laugher while doing something entertaining, something refreshing, something I've never done before. Then after feeling the pain and bruises after taking the risk of getting on that board, you realize that you can't let the past bring you down while at the same time knowing that you can't seem to get back on. You don't want to get that stubbed toe, that scarred knee, that sore leg, the pain... but at the same time, it's everything you want.

It'll be okay. Thank God.

Theory...

I think that One Tree Hill producers watch Grey's Anatomy and take the songs from there and put it on One Tree Hill. That or vice versa. Not that the songs they pick are bad.. but still... I think the songs that are picked fit more brilliantly in Grey's Anatomy than One Tree Hill. =)

It's *insert time here* and you are loved

Maybe it's only me. I've been so giddy lately, even tho I've been sick for the past couple of days or so. And frankly, I don't think its that "new kind of happy" (if you don't understand what I mean by that, dont worry. I think only a handful of people know what that means..) THAT kind of happy is partly the reason to this joy that I'm feeling, but there's a lot of things to add on to why I've been so giddy and delirious and happy... things which I'm not quite sure on how to describe. =)

A lot's been going on, a lot of things that can add stress to my life. But I don't regret any of the things I've been doing. I'm actually proud of the person I am as of the moment. Not proud to the point where I'd scream to the top of my lungs and yell out all my mistakes and whatnot... just proud enough to have self esteem and courage and strength to continue on going this way and to even try and improve a little more.

Keep calm.
Don't get lazy.
Don't get crazy either!
Senioritis won't exist if you don't let it.
Some people may not like you, but it'll be okay.
You don't have enemies--at least none you know of.
Pray for those who've loved you and thank God for them.
Pray for those who've hated you and thank God for them, too.
It'll be hard, but it'll be enjoyable.
You'll make it.
We all will.
Don't forget to say "please" and "thank you".
Swallow a bit of your pride--you know, a little here, a little there.
Remember to smile and laugh; "Rejoice always."
And ALWAYS remember... NEVER forget... those who have gone, the things you've done and that you'll never be abandoned.
You're never alone.
Through thick or thin; through anything, someone's here.
Whatever time it is now--whatever day, whatever month, whatever year--YOU ARE LOVED!

"Call me when you get home"

I like that. I dunno, but it's a cool thing. Hah.

Someone wants to get at my cousin. Something's gonna happen with that. Something big. Hah.

Rascal Flatts is a cool band! I like country. Haha.

Straight edge. =)

Oh, and BTW, school is fun. Not the work, but school itself. I've missed it and especially the people.

Work

I miss work already. Haha. I can't believe that its been a month and a half already.

In other news, I have really thick hair. =)

Gotta change things up a bit.

Summer Hw

I'm doing everything possible to prevent myself from completing the summer homework for AP english lit. =/ This is bad. Very bad.

Gotta keep my head in the game.

Tapatio

I dunno why "Tapatio" is my heading for this entry... haha. I was just talking about it at work today so yeah.

Question: how do you deal with being hott? I obviously wouldn't know... hah. So if your a girl and you dis all the guys who try to hit on you, you'd be called a big-itch--if you know what I mean. If you play along with their jokes--you know, when they're like "I'm going to marry you one day!" stuff--then you'd be leading them on. But if you stay quiet, and you just smile, then you'd somewhat be a tease. Well, this is all in my head, but please, correct me if I'm wrong. Anyway, how do you handle it? All those guys trying to get at you and whatnot... Just curious.

I really don't know why I'm up on this thing. There's nothing really new.

I guess it's just weird to be home on a Friday night. It doesn't even feel like a Friday night.

That Extra Batch of Love

Felt it. Straight to the heart.

There's something comforting about wearing a guy's jacket when you feel cold--or maybe it's just me.

Should. We should be good, but we're not. We should have this and that and not want this and that, but it doesn't happen that way. We should be better people, but we're not. But you know what? There's always a possibility that those "shoulds" wouldn't have to exist anymore... There's always a possibility that we'll be better people than who we are right now.

The possibilities are endless! Knowing that there are so many possibilities makes me like entertaining certain thoughts.. hahaha.

Tomorrow: School, work, baseball game.
Saturday: Wedding, family stuff, prayer meeting
Sunday: =)

After this weekend, I WILL start and finish all the homework and will soon be ready to jump into school mode. Dare me to move.

Senoritis...

...doesn't exist if it doesn't exist in your mentality. I gotta keep that in mind for the next year. Tomorrow is registration for CHS seniors. God, help me.

I don't want this summer to end. I don't want to start summer homework. I don't want to have to flake out on extra curricular activities--which will only happen if I start to fall back on school work. I refuse for things to go downhill from here. That goes for all aspects of my life. I honestly hope that what I've learned, what I've experienced, what (and whom) I've gained from this summer isn't lost throughout the school year.

I miss so many people. Yeah, they're there. But the thing is... I'm here. "There" and "here" are wayy two different places.

So I had fun at work today. I think I'll bring my co-workers food on Friday in celebration of my birthday. I owe them for the fun, humility and joy. Actually... I owe them for more than that. As boring as it can be at work sometimes, I love it.

Let's make the best out of this (upcoming) new year of life, shall we? No more drama, no more sadness, just a tad bit of stress, a whole lot of happiness and an extra batch of love. Hopefully just smiles and laughter from here on out! =)

I'm not ready, but I'm prepared--if that even makes sense. I've planned things out to a certain extent, but only God knows if or when those plans will even pull through.

Please pray for me. Thanks!

And with that said, I'd like to say:
Hello, world! Hello and good night! *waves*

Okay, so maybe I lied...

I don't know if I did or didn't. What I said felt true. But maybe I'm just too prideful to admit how much of a lie it is.

I'm sorry. But believe me, I tried to be honest.

It's just business now.

Don't you freekin' dare.

Difference...

Do you remember what ____ said about us about a year ago? He's right, you know... We're very much complementary. You compliment me. When we're together, you either make me look good or you make me look bad. Why? Because you're probably one of the most endearing, outgoing, joyful person I've ever come to know. You're someone I'm definitely not. You bring out the "good" in me and provoke the "bad" in me. Together, we look good in front of people, but its all on the surface.

You and I don't belong as partners. I know that for a fact. We both know that things aren't okay. They haven't been okay in a long, long time. Maybe time just got in between us, maybe the distance... but most definitely, our differences have finally caught up with us. We're not the same kids we were a few years ago, a year ago, a month ago, a week ago, not even a few days ago. We've grown in a lot of different ways and we've changed so much. As hard as I try to maintain this friendship, my effort isn't getting us anywhere.

A friendship needs the participation of both parties in order to be successful. I've done my part and all I ask is that you do yours. I know that we're different people now, but I've asked you to hang out, I've been honest with you, I've taken the few little steps I can to get closer to you again... I've tried. But you just keep ignoring me, rejecting what little I have to offer, pushing back plans we make as if I'm always going to be here to reschedule and "cater to you", as I've always done.

Maybe you don't realize how big of a deal this is to me, how big of a deal you are to me... Yeah, you do say "Hi", you do ask whats wrong when I look sad, but you do it all a little too late. You do it all when I already feel discouraged and when I don't feel like trying anymore.



I wish you read this...

Devil

It wasn't God's will. Things didn't go as planned. The devil just tempted me and just confused me even more.

To answer a few people's questions: No, I am not okay. I hate how weird I'm acting... how moody I got today, how speechless and emotional I was... I hate how I try to make an effort to make things better with hidden, not-so-great intentions whose presence I hardly recognize until after my plans don't pull through. I hate how I have high expectations of certain things; I have to get into my head that things are changing, that things aren't the same anymore, that I'm getting older and people will begin to leave my side more and more often. I HATE being like this... But I am.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly altruistic or not. I'd like to think of myself as that type of person, but why do I get angry when I don't get recognized for the things that I do? Why do I do all the "small" things and expect to be praised in some way or another? Why do I feel unappreciated and insignificant, as if I'm always ignored?

There's two weeks until my birthday. I don't want that day to come. No--I'm not afraid of getting older. I just don't want to celebrate it. Especially at someone's wedding (no offense). I don't want to think of it as a special day and act like I'm someone special because I'm a year older--when in all actuality, I haven't been, am not and wouldn't be special at all.

Somethings wrong with my mind. I can't seem to spell a lot of common words correctly without using a dictionary. As bad as it may sound, sometimes I wish I had something wrong with my mind. Like a chemical imbalance or something that scientifically explains why I am the way I am. I'm not saying I don't appreciate or love who I am now, I just need an explanation.

I need an explanation for everything. I'm only human. Yes, I have faith, but part of me wants more; I want logic.



so much for doing the "nez" thing...

Him

Am I doing it to get away from the past? Am I doing it to reminisce in the past? In a sense, I'm doing it to get over the past. But in a sense, I'm doing it to regain the past.

Yep yep, its for sure! I want the friendship back. Wait, Wrong--I NEED the friendship back. I don't want everything to be just business. I want a relationship (but not in the bf/gf wayy--get it straight)! I have high hopes that this will rebuild the friendship that we once had. Well, not exactly rebuild, because it never really broke down? I guess its more of strengthening it; adding foundation. And I honestly pray that strengthening the friendship is all I'm hoping for--nothing more, nothing less.

Why, of all people, would I do what I'm going to do?

If you know me, then the topic of my confusion is, most likely, already obvious, but I probably don't make sense to anyone except myself and God right now. I think that's all that should really matter at the moment. Me and God. Not "him". But for some reason, it's not what matters.

I need to get msyelf straight. Together. Sane.
I need to get myself with God.



Hello! My name is Ronneza Penalba.
I am also known as Nez. And right now...

I'm just doing the "NeZ" thing...

Frieeend

No, not me. I have a "friend" who likes my "other friend". But that "other friend" doesn't know. And I'm afraid that my "other friend" might not know that he/she is leading on my "friend".

Friends. *sigh* Can never have too much! =) Unless of course, you have too many on myspace and it takes you forever to look through your friends list just to fine ONE particular person. haha.

Just to clarify things: there is a difference between "friend" and "frieeend". A lot of people don't seem to understand that. Haha. If you don't understand it, then come talk to me and I'll explain it to you! =)

So friendships. I'm always telling myself about how I want to get over the past--take that however you want to. In a sense, I'm trying to rebuild a friendship. Well, actually, a few friendships. But it seems so hard because I can't just go up to them and say "Hello" and pull off something lame like a pick-up line to lighten up the mood. Because no matter what I seem to do, I know that there is and always will be some kind of tension--a very discouraging factor when trying to start anew. I mean its not as if the intensity were as it used to be: hardcore. And its not as if the situation I'm in is like before: taboo. It's just... weird and full of tension. And I hate it.

In a sense, I do appreciate it. Losing the cliques I belonged to freed me and enabled me to mingle more. It got me jumping into friendships with different types of people--meaning I'm more social now than I was last winter. (But I'm still a bit anti-social... =/) At the same time, I'm more lost than I've ever been--more so than last winter (and boyyy was I lost)!

We had this one session at prayer meeting around a month ago. We were talking about sex. There was a group question like, "Do you have a close enough friend in the community whom you can talk about sex with?" type of thing. I sat there and I thought for a while and came up with "No" for an answer. I can talk to people in the community about almost anything, but only if it just happens to come up in the conversation, yeh know? I don't have a confidant in the community. That's what it is.

I don't have a confidant at all. Well, I have God and Mama Mary, but its... different? I'm not necessairly in need of one. I'm just saying it'd be cool to have one? Haha.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I write too much. Eh. Its not like I'm burdening anyone... like anyone really reads every entry I post on here... just me. Ha!

I have to read like a 300 page book in the next month, watch 2 or 3 movies and post online about the book and the movies for my summer homework. I'm going to start. Just as soon as I buy the book. Hah.


Okay, so its like 12:10AM right now.
I was just on Myspace and all these thoughts went through my head.
I think I might not go to prom... Ha.
Saves money, saves time, saves effort. =)
If I do go, I think I shall go stag.
I'm a genious!

Sneaking out

Yeah. I've done did it. Out my window and into the backyard. (And if you're reading, and if you look at my timestamp, and if you saw me an hour ago, then I hope you put the puzzle together and realize that I was with you--if that makes any sense at all).

I need help. I don't know what to do. I believe I have great control over my anger, because in a sense, I can manage it just fine. Meaning that I don't go blowing out my anger on people, yelling at some random strangers, throwing whatever I can get in my hands at people I dislike... I can keep my cool. But I feel like its really really really unhealthy of me to "stay chill" when deep inside, I know that I'm irritated and want to scream to the world how I feel.

But the only reason why I hold it in is because whats the use in letting it out and having it seen by others? What's the use in blowing up in front of someone I love and don't want to hurt? What's the use in letting my anger out, knowing that it'll only lead to drama, misfortune and tension between me and whoever I blow up on? Then again, what's the use in being angry at all? I don't understand how anger works. If you repress it, it's "unhealthy". If you let it do its thing, then it'll just wreak havoc. If you pray not to get angry, you're patience is just extended, yet so many things test it that you're practically bound to get angry.

There's a lot of things I'm greatful for. But there's a lot of things I still question.

I still have to do the "nez thing".

Lord, help me.

Heros

They're my heros.

I don't think anyone will ever really understand why I act the way I do, why I think the way I do, or why I am who I am. I don't think I ever will. But for sure, my parents played a big role in molding me and shaping me into the person I am today.

I don't regret giving up my "first car". I don't want it if I haven't earned it. I don't want it if my heros have to work for me to receive something that I want, but don't need. I stand by the words I told them. I love them. And I'll love them more than any [awesome] car, any [expensive] materialistic item they buy me.

I have to remember this day. Not just this day but this whole summer. Whoever you are, please remind me of this entry. Remind me how blessed I am and how greatful I should be to have such wonderful, giving, loving parents like them. Remind me how blessed I am to have a family like I have now. Remind me how blessed I am. Humiliate me. Humble me. Please.

Stories

So last Thursday, I went to the beach with my cousins (Kuya DJ, Ate Crissy/Rose, Ate Rozette, Kuya Wowie/Ross & Ate Donna). And I lost my hairtie which I've had for monthsss (since winter). Then on Sunday, I went to the beach again with my other cousins (from Fresno and LA and a few other people), and I lost my shorts! And they were my favorite basketball shorts!

So what had happened was I forgot to pack some board shorts the night before. I came home from church around 9pm on Saturday and I had to pack because they were picking me up to go to the hotel/inn. On Sunday morning, I was too conscious about my legs to go out without shorts, so I wore my favorite basketball shorts--the shorts which I slept in the night before. I went out to bodyboard and wiped out a few times. Then this one wave really hit me bad and my shorts fell to my ankles. I landed on the sand with my feet, pulled off my shorts with my left hand and grabbed the cord to the bodyboard with my right hand. Once I got my head above the water, another wave hit me. I tried to keep my grip on my shorts and on the board, but my cousin who was fairly close to me ended up hitting me with her board and then stepping on me, so my grip loosened up. Before I knew it, my shorts were gone and I wore a towel for the rest of the time we were there...

So here's the story about my driving.
I dunno why I was doing it, I guess to be cool, but I backed up into a parking space right in front of the entrance of the Annex for prayer meeting. I was using my mirrors and was doing great, backing up slowly and stuff. Then, I feel this bump because I hit something. You don't even know how hard I was praying that I hit the cement stopper on the floor. I scoot up a bit, put the car in park, and went to check the back. It seemed fine, but I look closer and there were three, fairly deep scratches near the muffler of the Lancer. =/ I was so worried that my parents would trip cuz mannn, those scratches are no joke! But my mom called and I told her and everything was good to go. My dad was glad that I didn't break the back lights and that it was just the bumpers and stuff. So yeahh. They still let me drive even though I thought for sure I wouldn't be able to drive ever again...

I dunno. I had a fun weekend. Lots of stories and whatnot, but I think the other stories I have are much longer than the ones I've already written about. And plus, they're stories that can only be heard in person type of thing.

Congratulations to my cousin for getting married! =) World, say hello to Nixon and Maryann Penalba!!

Good night!


Post script
It is 11:37pm. I'm watching some TFC. Sam Milby and Toni Gonzaga = very cute together. Jasmine Trias and Kris Lawrence = yuck (for now)...

?

Who would I be without God? christian. Without christ, I Am Nothing.

I always have to keep reminding myself that.

Long day..

Beachin' it up. Getting darker. Drowning every 5 seconds. Family. Laughter. Beautiful.

Working with guys and only guys for hours = the bestest. Working with kids is pretty hilarious....

I got bites. They're gross.

It's hot. I feel gross. I'm itchy. Man...

I wanna dance. Take me out.

Favors.

Humbleness

Me. 16. The cousins I was hanging out with: 20-22. It's not that much of an age gap--not much at all. One of the best things that ever happened with them: a cousin telling another cousin how humble I am.

I guess I'm not so humble now, because I'm boasting about it in front of everyone who reads this... haha.. But just knowing that someone can actually think of me as humble almost brought tears to my eyes.

If anything, I've always thought of myself as selfish. Always wanting these high-tech things, wanting to do all sorts of crazy junk, never really considering how my actions will affect other people.

I've grown. A lot. I know it. I feel it. I'm transforming into a better person, someone I've always wanted to be. Someone I can be proud of and not be ashamed of. Me. At 16. Praise God.

I was speaking to a girl I met at work last Thursday. She thought I was her age. She was entering college. She was so shocked when I told her I was 16. She said she thought I was 18 because of the way I talked, the way I communicated with her and other people. Strange as it sounds, it's not the first time this happened. People say I'm very mature for my age, but a lot of times, I doubt their words.

I'm not growing up too fast, I'm not growing slow nor have I remained stagnent. I'm growing responsibly, with morals, values, faith and love. The love from my parents, my siblings, my extended family, my second family (LF) and friends has taught me how to value money, grow in faith, have hope, respect myself and live a life full of happiness and joy. The love from God has given me all of this and more.

Yeah, I'm rambling. I'm just typing whatever's in my mind. Obviously, a lot is on my mind right now. Today wasn't as... emotional... as yesterday, but today is just as eventful as yesterday.

And I praise God for every single moment that He gave me today and every single moment he's given me and will give me.

Hallelujah.

I desire nothing more in this world
Than to give myself to you
As a victim of your love
I love you, Lord
Yes, I love you Lord
I wish to be a living sacrifice of your love

Don't sweat it.

I wasn't expecting myself to be online right now. I thought I'd be so tired that I'd straight up knock out after prayer meeting. But something's going down. And I can't just let it slip by.

Today was one of the most interesting days I've lived through thus far. Unforgetable, irreplaceable... it was one of the scariest but best day type of thing? To be able to sense strange things like that, to be a witness of spiritual warfare once more, to be at the "scene of the crime"--so to speak--and fight a battle with my second family. To be able to truly feel the presence of God and Mama Mary as they held me tightly in their arms, supporting my body as I stood aimlessly, shaking, covered with sweat and tears... it was definitely a moment to remember. To have a discussion and to actually realize I'm not living my life on my own, that there are people going through similar trials with me right here and right now, to be reassured that we, as a community, need to grow stronger in so many different aspects... something that I'd love to relive again.

I'm ready to face trials and challenges. As for overcoming them, I know that my Lord will be my strength, my refuge.

The gift of faith. I need more of it.
The gift of discernment. I may have it.

Each day...

...we grow a little taller,
and bigger,
not smaller.
And we grow a little friendlier too.
And as we grow a little older,
we can do more things.
Because I'm growing.
And so are you!

Barney used to be the shiznitz, yo! =)

So I dunno if I've mentioned it straight up, but I've been licensed for 6 days now. I've almost scratched some cars, almost got into a car crash, and almost don't like driving anymore (because finding parking takes foreverrr)!

Also, I've been working since July 11 at the local park. I get paid minimum wage to help clean the park area, play with kids and have fun. It's not much of a job, really. More like volunteer work with pay? Haha. Because if I weren't so antisocial, I probably would've been there playing with kids right now.

LSS is coming up in a few daysss!

Every year, I get new tasks to do. My first LSS (with LF): participant. Second: facilitator. Third: Speaker/Runner. This Year: Woship Leader.

It's only gonna get tougher from here. There will be more tears, there will be more laughter. There will be more life, more love, more suffering. There will be me. I won't be the same, but hopefully, I'll be better. In science, the method of trial-and-error is a method for obtaining knowledge. I believe it is also the method for living. I'm ready to face the trials. I'm ready to make errors. Let me live.

Family Bonding

Chillin at the cousins' house at the moment. I love how we're just randomly having dinner and singing kareoke during the weekends now. Some of them are getting married. Others are just entering middle school.

Gosh... I felt like I was just there. I don't feel old at all, but everything else seems to have aged and grown. The only way I grew was fat. hahaha.

But seriously, I've grown a lot in the past few days alone. And I'm greatful for that. Really. To a certain degree, I think I'm ready to die... Not that I want to die--I'm just ready.

Almost died yesterday. Twice. Maybe its why I'm so... giddy.

ITS HOT!

I don't think I've really mentioned how hot summer's been. It's been REALLY HOT. hahaha.

I like how my parents let me drive today. =D I like how I'm communicating with them more. Yeah, sure, my voice still has that "yelling" tone, but its not like I argue with them.

Got a debut today. Just sitting around, trying not to sweat til my ride gets here. I swear, I thought it'd be easy, but its not so easy afterall. Hahah.

LSS is coming up next week! I'm getting excited. =D Lets Goooo!

Smile. Laugh. Forgive. Live. Love.

Dusk and Summer

Listen to Dashboard Confessional's new album: Dusk and Summer.

I've just listened to the full album around an hour ago. After listening to it while organizing my closet, I realized that there's a whole story within the cd. I've had the other album (A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar), and I'm guessing there's probably a story to it as well, but I haven't really listened to it as a whole in a while. Maybe I'm just making it up or maybe the band wanted to make the story (which seems like it by the order of their songs in their alubm). But no matter--even if some of the songs are about sex--Dashboard Confessional is an awesome band.

Summer?

It's doing me up good! Praise God!! =)

Today, I woke up at like 7:30am and went to Hemmingway Park to watch my brother's baseball game (at 9am). I ended up running around for 30 minutes. Actually, I ran for like 20 and spent the last 5 looking for my glasses because they fell out of my pocket--and thank God they weren't broken when I found them.

My brother's team won their first playoff game! =) They beat an undefeated team. Haha.

I've been trying to keep a schedule of when I eat and I've been trying to run as often as I can (without getting dark). I think it's paying off. I woke up Thursday morning and felt skinnier and a friend was like "Yeah, it looks like it." At prayer meeting, while I was setting up my guitar, Sister Lolly started talking to me and she said I looked skinnier. =D Then she gave me advice about rice and that I should eat the brown one from Sea Food City? And I surprised her because of my Tagalog-speaking skills. Haha.

I played guitar for prayer meeting tonight! Deng, its been forever since I've used my guitar and forever and 100 days since I've played for prayer meeting. As far as I know, the last time I took out my guitar was the Confirmation Retreat in January?? It felt nice to be able to worship lead and play guitar at the same time. I felt cool, too, because I had the headset mic. =D I know I could've done better, but I did what I did and praise God because He got me through it!

The novenas for St. Augustine started up again today. It was nice to see a bunch of family members, even though they were mostly either little kids or adults. Family's great! =D

Tomorrow: Six Flags with (some of) the cousinsss! =D I've missed some of those fools!

Maybe beach it up Monday or Tuesday morning? (If I wake up on time).

Dear God...
Please allow there to be a lot of shade in the next week, so that I may not be dark when it comes to senior pictures... haha!

Things to tackle down this week (starting tomorrow):
- Drive/ Practice driving
- Run
- Cardio- workout sessions (hehe!)
- 6:15am Sunday mass
- Six Flags
- At least one morning mass
- Go to college center
- Turn in an application to Ms. Dixon
- Buy (or make) a lei
- Start Summer Job
- Senior Pictures
- LSS Family Meeting
- LSS Skit Practice
- Return Altar materials
- Choir Practice
- Aressa's Debut
- Sing/Conduct for next Sunday's mass

Adventure

I almost dropped my glasses in the toilet because I slipped and almost hit my head on the counter when I tried to avoid stepping on a plump spider with my bare foot today. =)

Pictures are the best. And knowing the story behind them are great too. I gotta bring a camera around with me more often! Haha.

I don't wanna go back to school--even if it's just for summer. This means I'm so much closer to graduating. I want to get away, but I don't want to leave. I just need to get out for a few days, experience a new adventure, learn new things, take loads of pictures and meet a few people along the way... and then come back.

For a moment there, I debated on whether to put "home" as the last word of my last sentence. I can't say if Carson is my true home, or if some town in Philippines is my home... But for sure, home is where my family is. Praise God for them!

Things to do:
- Rewrite my "Things I want to do before I die" list
- Read "A Handmaids Tale" and do the Blurties
- Get licensed and [legally] drive alone
- Take senior pictures
- LSS
- Debuts
- Plan Maharlika stuff [and get in contact with other officers]
- Improve spiritual life
--> [morning] mass
--> adoration
--> sacraments

Lost in Translation?

Not really... haha.

"You don't belong to me
Run away so my eyes can't find you
So my feeling don't grow
So my heart doesn't know.."

The Bad-boy Image

It's cute. Haha. Sometimes. =)

A Love To Kill. A new korean drama to watch. I like it. Some action/dramatic stuff. Like Sweet Spy, but not really...

So lets see. This year alone, I've watched My Lovely Kim Sam Soon, Goong (aka: Princess Hours), Sweet Spy, Which Star Are You From, Full House, My Girl (which I started last Thursday night and finished Saturday morning), and now I'm watching this one. I've watched others like The Pheonix (back in 9th grade) and a couple of other ones... Man. Koreans are cool.

Okay, time to sleep!

BRB

If you're going to say you'll be right back while you're chatting, then at least have the decency to come back! Even if you don't want to chat, then at least say good-bye!

11pm. Its when everyone wakes up, I tell yah.
11pm. Its when all hell breaks lose... damn it.

Random seems to be the new thing.

So I'll be quite random right now...

I'm not the type of person to "relive things twice". I've never reread a book, a line, a magazine unless necessary. I've never willingly rewatched movies (aside from Moulin Rouge and Disney movies). I don't rewatch any of the tv shows and dramas I've seen either--unless I need to recall certain events from the series. I've never really taken the time to watch home movies unless its for a project. I've never really looked through photo albums out of boredom (unless those photo albums aren't of me). But I always listen to old songs and whatnot...

I get very nostalgic. It's another reason that adds on to the list of why I don't like getting close to people. Because once I do, I really really really miss those people. It's 4 seasons of loneliness when you're reminded of what you used to do with certain people everyday. And knowing how you'll never really have that opportunity again really sucks.

Its funny how I hate getting close to people. The process of getting close to them is amazing and very fun. But the process of losing them... or actually, just letting go of that closeness... it just sucks. Big time.

I don't have any close, "sisterly/brotherly" friendships. The closest would probably be a "cousinly" relationship? Kinda sad. But still a blessing! =)

And so it begins...

summer is here.
[x] 15 hours (straight) of sleeping
[x] hitting up the beach
[x] swimming (in pools)
[x] getting a tan
[x] randomly going to friends' houses
[x] hanging out with cool teachers
[x] getting home late
[x] catching up with old friends
[ ] getting my license
[ ] getting a car

bonuses:
--> wardrobe malfunction (ha!)
--> not getting in trouble. (...yet. haha!)
--> happiness!

things to do:
[ ] clean bedroom
[ ] clean house
[ ] LSS Family Mtgs.
[ ] LSS
[ ] morning mass
[ ] adoration
[ ] plan Maharlika PCN
[ ] key club hours
[ ] some of the 50 things i want to do before I die
[ ] more of the things on the first list! =D

so far, so good! praise God!! =)

Summer!!

it is OFFICIALLY summer for me. =)

washed the car, ran some errands, went to the beach, went swimming in PV, went to LSS meeting... woo!

summer looks good.. haha.

finals

its been the lonest week of my life. its not even wednesday yet.

i'm spent.

Lord, I hope my grades are okay... or at least no Cs...

Hands down.

Last night was one of the best! =D Thank you, ASA!

I danced. X)

And so the night goes on!

Woot (for summer) + Woot (for "man whores"--inside joke) + Woot (for summer!!) = woot woot woot! hahaha!

Full House

Yet another Korean drama...

I gotta keep my act together. JUST ONE MORE WEEK.

It's been a hell of a week. I'm amazed that I made it this far. But I'm still scared for my life. God, help me.

I'm going to win the bet. Mwahaha..

Ta-da!

Our group for math is almos done with the roller coaster! Wee! Finally! I swear, it's the brightest thing in the world, but I don't mind. I like it bright. It's OG.

4th period was interesting. Had some crazy discussions in the backroom. I WILL finish the book for the book group this weekend. (Woot! Three day weekend!!)

There was a quad party today. Walked around watching booties shaking, started conversating and regretted that I forgot to ask the parents for money. It was a pretty interesting turn out, considering that most of the clubs didn't really prepare for it. I found it funny how Humanitas' booth was right next to the ASA booth. Felt like there was a lot of tough competition... haha.

Cleaning up was fun. Had a water fight with a 5-gallon bottle. I lost... Hahah. Carried tables and what not in one hand with a hotdog in the other. Aren't I ever so talented? Haha!

Then off to Philosophy to one of the many Pistachio-Puke-Colored room of the C-building because Leibner's room is currently being painted. (It's the saddest thing to see his room so... dead...) We talked about "immaculation" and how crack kills... haha! Good times.

Things are getting better. I think after I hit my all-time low (academically), I've been straightening up. No more BS-ing. All IS well--or it will be. I've waited things out long enough and I'm glad my patience has gotten me this far. Now it's time to take action and I'm glad that I have a lot of good and bad history, memories and experiences that I can look back on and say "I lived through that..." At least I have some form of foundation to build upon...

I wear you.

Crazy weather..

I hate it. Cold and rainy one hour, the next: warm and sunny. It should stay at one end of the spectrum instead of jumping around all over the place.

Bitter-Sweet weekend. Definitely one of the best in a while. Very emotional, but very solemn and OG for sure. Cousin Love!!

Sometimes, when I don't write in here or when I don't express my feelings publicly, I wonder if anyone can see through my masks...

I JUST killed an ant that was crawling on my computer table. I dunno how it got there, but it's gone now. I'm evil. Hah! Well, animals have no soul so technically, I'm not evil... just heartless. Haha! That's sooo bad.

Time to head off and do some more procrastinating!

TGIF

Thank God It's Fridayyy.

It's been a VERY long day, full of tests and trying to complete homework during class... blech. And the weather wasn't much of a help either, with it being all extra warm today then getting all extra cold around 6pm. Booty. But all in all, today was probably one of the best I've had in a while.

"Nez--
Your strength is your heart pointing you to a brave future that will be filled with passion, adventure, and excitement. You just won't take "no" for an answer and you will be rewarded by others for your individuality. I promise!!"
^ That fool is freekin' THEE best!

I realized that I'd be able to hide my boyfriend (if I were to ever have one) from my parents from a good while. They give me a good amount of space and freedom. Praise God for them. And praise God they have and are raising me well--or at least I think they're doing a good job.

So I came to that conclusion because I practically went on a date. Not like I intended to, but one of my friends ditched out last minute and I didn't want the plans to go to waste. This consisted of going to Mitsuwa, eating (Mochi! =D), talking, laughing, window shopping, and praying at the Blessed Sacrament Chapel of St. Margaret Mary (where there were candidates being confirmed). It wasn't a real, official date, but dude! No lie, it's one of the best times I've had. =) Praise God for Friends.

I cried today. During some random moments, I just started crying. Weird. But still, I enjoyed it. Why? Because I needed it.

I said that today is probably one of the best days I've had in a while. I didn't mean that I was completely happy, but I felt... good. I dunno. It was just a nice day.

YOU.

Have you ever just wanted to find that one person who makes the world stop? That one person that makes everything better? That one person that breaks you down and builds you up at the same time? That one person who does all this just by giving you one of the most genuine, sincere, loving hugs that you've ever received? I don't know who "you" are, but I need YOU.

There's so much going on. So many things have been happening and it's ONLY May. As much as I want summer to get here, I am no where close to being ready for it.

I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid to leave people behind with broken promises. I'm afraid of people leaving me behind.

I go to school to get away from home. I go home to get away from school. i go to church to get away from it all, but instead, i bring it all there. I am a totally different person in every single place. Why can't I just be one?

You...

...don't know me. And I don't want you to know me. Because your knowing me would lead to me knowing more of you. And knowing you would just hurt me more. Does this make sense?

Panday

"Ipaglalaban ko ang ating pag-ibig
Maghintay ka lamang, ako’y darating
Pagka’t sa isang taong mahal mo ng buong puso
Lahat ay gagawin makita kang muli
Makita kang muli"

That's the theme song of a Filipino show called Panday featuring Jericho Rosales and Heart Evangelista that I really like. As corny of a love story it is, as repetative the story gets, I enjoy watching it now more than ever. The creators and writers are brilliant. In a sense, there are archetypes within the story of the show, but the they show aren't satiric or parodic... it's something else... but they still are archetypes. At least I think they are...

And Rafael Rosell IV is in it too! Hah! Such a GREAT cast!! =D

PS: I think I'm obsessed with KDrama now. Particularly "Which Star Are You From?". Good show. =) You should watch it--on YouTube. Yep! Up to episode 3 is uploaded on youtube. haha.

Bests and Worsts

Just some random stuff...

One of the most beautiful, somewhat saddening and very genuine thing a person can ever witness is to see a man cry.

Aside from the pains of child birth, one of the suckiest, grossest thing a woman can experince is having a cold causing her to sneeze and cough while riding the crimson wave--if ya get what I'm saying. =) In the words of Father... uh, I forgot his name, but he was the priest who gave the homily at youth rally... "Don't you get it?"

"I'm sorry..."

I don't remember the last time I apologized for hurting someone emotionally... including the last time I apologized to Him.

Saying "I'm sorry" means diddly squat. They're just words that are witten and read in the form of writing, that are said in the form of speech, that exist to try to express the emotion of true contrition. But not once has it and not once will it ever portray the essence of that emotion. Not unless it comes with action. Not unless change occurs for the better. Not unless pain, suffering, regret and a sense of nostalgia have already been experienced by both the person apologizing and the person being apologized to.

Words mean diddly squat. But at the same time, words mean everything--especially if a phrase or sentence revolves around the controversial topic of love.

Who or what gives a word it's definition and value?

Youth Rally pt. 2

Fun stuff. =) Glad I went. Bonding with the community was awesome. Exposition was THEE best. New memories and inside jokes to laugh about. =D

Maybe there are just a lot of things going on in my mind. Who knows what's going to happen next. I REFUSE for anything more to happen. (If in need of clarification, ASK ME. DON'T go assuming things, k?)

Well, I shall be off to bed now. =) Aloha to you!

Youth Rally '06

There's something comforting about knowing that all the people you know and have learned to love are just a couple of steps away. I'm at the de Castro's house right now in preperation for Youth Rally tomorrow.

I'm sick AGAIN. I have a lot of phlegm and have been coughing randomly. I'm blogging while everyone is getting ready for the skit for tomorrow. Why? Because I don't wanna be any sick than I already am.

I like knowing that I can relate to these people and that these people can relate to me. We're not always communicating, we're not always in good moods, but those things can easily be disregarded. We can still hang out, laugh and smile and just be together. "We're all in this together..." Ha. High School Musical. I still haven't watched it but I already know the songs.

It's funny how I can blog during the moments when I should really be doing something more important that sitting and reflecting on my life.

Speaking of which, our English class is working on personal statements. I don't really know why, but that's how the teachers are running it. I guess it's all for a good cause. Anyway, I have two English teachers (our classes switch off every quarter). The first one commented on how I basically wrote to gain pity from the reader and that I should throw most of the stuff I wrote out and focus on what I really want instead of what I went through. The second one commented on how well-constructed, with my use of puncuation and play on syntax. I guess I have to work on it some more. A revised copy is due Tuesday, so we'll see how well things go from there.

Well, I should get back with the skit stuff. =)

School

I've been drinking apple juice lately. My throat hurts like heck. I hate the need to cough.

Coughing reminds me of a good friend. I'm pretty sure he didn't make it up, but the first time I heard these words were from him: "Love is like a cough. As hard as you try, it's something you can't stiffle." Or something along those lines...

There's a Laker/Suns game tonight. Hoping (again) that the Lakers will win and I'm expecting them to win. Hopefully I have time to watch it in between all the work I have to do tonight.

Using a computer from school. I really hate the keyboard. Oh well.

Anyway, I was walking toward this computer room and I saw like a gazillion people whom I know. It's really sad how if you know someone, you don't really say hi. Sometimes, you even look away while walking past the person you someone know while they do the same. It's pretty sad. Especially if the other person makes an effort to say hello. Ha.

I should get back to my original class (History). I have to do a lot of work for that class on Sunday... Month, maybe a month and half, worth of work to make up. *sigh* I deeply dispise that class. Plus, I have to read a whole book for philosophy and a short story.

I'll get my act together before the end of the year. I'm not saying I'm hoping that I will; I'm saying that I WILL get there.

Random Blog

Got called in for a second interview with the Peer Counselors. Don't exactly know how that goes, but I hope it's for a good thing.

I really should record the rifts and parts of songs I make. I don't remember what I create...

I got my 20 page essay/story from English back. Received a 96. =) Probably the highest grade I've ever receieved in that class. Haha. I hope it does me some good. In any case, I really want to work on it and maybe elongate it. I actually had fun writing that and incorporating all sorts of crap into it.

Anyway, off I go!

Aswang

My mom called me an aswang. Haha. She told my dad to call my sister like 5 minutes ago, and he was like "She might be sleeping already..." I go, "No, she's not." My mom goes, "Yeah, they're like aswangs, in the morning, they sleep and at night, they're awake..."

Played tennis and basketball earlier tonight. Felt nice to burn some calories and whatnot. Maybe I can do it every other week or something to get some exercise. Haha.

Next weekend. Can't Wait! =)

TMI = Too Much Information

Knowing too much can be harmful to oneself.

I need a day when I benefit from serendipities.

Staying out/staying in with people til past 12 + random jam sessions after music minsitry practice = summer mode.

AP tests the next two weeks. Whoopie...

Watched some clips of "Yo Momma" off of Youtube. =) cash moneyyy. "Yo momma is so fat that she had to Fedex her food to her stomach."

"Maybe somewhere else
Will not be half as cold as me
The curtains drawn the winter sun
Makes patterns on your face
It looks like some kaleidoscopic breathing exercise
It's the same
It's the same
It's the same
Baby wont you breathe
Baby wont you breathe

Hold me in your freezin' arms
Before we have to go
I wince a little, but it's not because I know the truth
The windshield of your little car is frosted through the glass
A clear heart of air appears as we shiver on the seats"
"Same" by Snow Patrol

Things just aren't the same.

It's a very, very mad world.

"Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, No tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad,
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take.
When people run in circles it's a very, very
Mad world"

Good song. Heard it today after a long time. Reminds me of summer. I miss it.

Summer, where are you? Take me away already. Let's beach it up, work it down, get skinny and chill. I'm ready, damn it.

School's been... school. I need to get my act together. It's funny how I've said that for the umpteenth time, yet I've probably only done it a few times here and there... really bad stuff.

Don't irritate me. I'm not on my good side. Hah.

Say you love me...

"Don't you know that I want to be
More than just your friend
Holding hands is fine
But I've got better things on my mind
You know it could happen
If you'd only see me in a different light
Baby when we fin'lly get together
You will see that I was right

Say you love me
You know that it could be nice
If you'd only say you love me
Don't treat me like I was ice
Please love me
I'll be yours and you'll be mine
If you'd only say you love me baby
Things would really work out fine"
"Say You Love Me" - MYMP

I played "Rock, Paper, Scissors" today. =) Fun times.

Getting to know people is a great thing.

Procrastination is part of the thought process of creative writing. Haha.

--> "i quit school. quit with me?"
I replied, "definitely."
What I really meant: "In a freekin heartbeat!"

Cussin' it out.

Seriously! Cursing is everywhere!! Haha. I honestly find it funny now days. Somewhat shocking, but hilarious.

"hell, who would've thought i would've grown balls to be talking to you like this again? or that i even had any to try and talk to you guys again through myspace and whatnot? i never would've even thought i'd have enough patience to wait things out..."

--"hi nez. i know..."

Haha. Rewards.

No matter what, I WEAR YOU. Don't ever forget that. Things can get dirty, but that's why we wash things off and wait til things get dry to start over. (You know who you are.)

Haha. I'm talking laundry. Only because I did it for the second time in my life. Hahah! I miss my mom. =)


+EDIT+ 11:57pm

"One of the sad facts of life is that the older we get, the more tightly wound we become. Having to untangle that web of self-deception, lies, facades...whatever kinds of barriers we put up...it always makes things more complicated than it should be. Unfortunately, getting to this point is almost inevitable. Life teaches you the hard way about wearing your heart on your sleeve, but although it's the hard way, it really is the best way. As blissful as it might be to pour your heart out so carelessly, not knowing any better, there's something about the struggles of romance that makes it just that much more sweeter. It's a shame, though, that sometimes we have to fall apart in the process." - JR

I wonder if he knows I read it. Haha.

Sundayyy.

So much homework to do. Gahh.

Tonight/today was well needed. I missed it. All of it. Really.

Cursing seems to be the thing lately. Hahah. "Joke Only!"

Sunday is one of the best and worst days of the week.
Good reasons: day for mass; waking up knowing your weekend is still going; knowing that later you'll get to watch awesome shows like Grey's Anatomy.
Bad reasons: day (well, this is for me) to clean; falling asleep knowing your weekend will end; knowing that as much as you want to watch awesome shows, you have so much homework.

I hate school with a passion.

weee!

I brought home three guys with me. Only my dad and brother are home with me and I brought Oswynn, Don and Andrew. Haha. And it was like 10:15 already. And I'm a bad hostess cuz I didn't offer them anything and I left them alone for a good 15 minutes.. haha!

Ambiguity and Curiosity

Two major factors which contribute to the tsismis. Two major factors which leads to secrets, lies and even deeper sins. Two major factors which ultimately makes my life a living hell. Hmm, okay, okay... that was too strong of a statement, but I don't really mean it. It's just a little hectic right now.

My brother asked me for my opinion about a glass which can either be seen as half empty and or half full. I told him that it was half full, and he was glad I said it. My brother's growing up. He's learning. I'm really greatful to be around to see it.

Life is a glass and our experiences are the liquids placed within it. We fill the glass with many things, but the thing we pour may not always be clear as a crystal, it may not always be clean and pure, it may not always sparkle or twinkle when we look at it. But no matter what, it's there and it can always be seen as either half full or half empty. It's up to us to decide how life is to be viewed.

Despite all the crap that's been in my cup, its half full.

I want an ukulele, damn it.

This post took a while...

untitled

There are a lot of things I don't understand
Where do we stand? Where do we stand?
Together, we're strong; Separated, I'm weak.
I'll never really know how much havoc can be wreaked
When loving someone so deeply and insanely
And declaring them as your one and only

Amazing, magnificent, first and last, sublime,
Breathtaking, heart-stirring, true love.
Its what you are to me: My love

God is hilarious

And I mean that with utmost respect. He has a really great sense of humor. The way he sets up situations for you in order to gain new strength is really funny--at least I think so. The sad part is that we can only laugh about it after it's all done and over with, but not when it's happening.

I've been listening to MYMP a lot lately. Learned a lot of their songs in the past couple of months. Really talented kids.

If you try to give up something which wasn't really yours in the first place, meaning if you attempt to give up a desire of yours, it's still a sacrifice, right??

Kids. They put a smile on my face. =)

I like how when adults from Philippines come, they act like I don't really know Tagalog and they make an effort to communicate in English. It's the cutest thing. Haha.

I want THAT.

The dance floor is a totally different world where you don't communicate with your voice, but with your body. Although at times, when trying to teach others how to dance this or that or just wanna catch up on old times, you may talk to another person, but mostly your body does the talking. You get mixed into a crowd, half of it consists of friends and the other, strangers, but as one group, you are all there just feeling the music and expressing yourself.

No one knows you the way I do...
No one will ever know you the way I do...
No one will ever treat you the way I do...
No one will ever miss your crazy a** the way I do...
No one will ever do the things I do for and with you...
No one will ever do those things the way I do...
WE NEED TO TALK.
And you freakin' know it.

BTW, that goes to more than one person out there.

I want a debut, but I don't. If you knew what was running in my mind, you'd know why. But thoughts are speeding through, I can't even figure out what they are...

No offense but...

...damn.

And that's all that needs to be said. Hah.

Early Happy Easter!

Spring Break '06

Env. Sci
- Study for Ch. 17 & 18 Exam
- Concept map (ch. 17)
- Short answer responses [nuclear energy; calculating energy use]

Math
- extra credit
- classwork
- finish investigations?

Spanish
- Buy "La Opinion" (Easter Sunday Edition)
- Ad from Vocab
- Vocab/T-chart
- 6 paragraphs

English
- 20-page creative writing assignment
- AP terms/flash cards

History
- Cornell Ch. 14 & 15
- Special Concepts
- Study Guide
- Movie Review

Philosophy
- Read "Siddartha" and respond to five blurties.
- 3 other blurties on gender
- Gender papers [males (500 words); females (500 words); personal experience (750 words)]

Okay, so honestly, before I left school, this list didn't seem that long... or it was, but I really thought I would at least have one of those things completely finished by NOW.

It's the morning of Holy Thursday and so far, I've got all the ideas planned out for that 20-page writing assignment and already have 5 done. I've read 4 pages of Siddhartha and there are around 81. Everything else, I've only thought about.. haha.

Aside from homework, what else is on the adgenda? SPYM is singing for tonight's mass. I'll be going to the Good Friday celebration. Roxsan's debut is on Saturday night. Easter Sunday, SPYM will be singing again. I should add in cooking and cleaning, making sure my brother has a ride to his baseball practices AND staying at the park to watch/wait for him.

God is Good. And I am not. That is why I'm behind on work. Hah.

Let's go already.

Let's go to college. Let's open those letters of acceptance, feel disappointed or exuberant, and pick a college. Let's walk the stage and say our last and final word(s) to people--the ones we shared our lives with for nearly 4 year--whom, from that day and on we'll never see again (unless of course, we happen to keep in touch with them through Myspace); "Congratulations!" Let's get out of this town and face a whole new world full of strangers, lovers, enemies, and friends. Let's go. Now.

I'd rather face that fear of never seeing anyone from high school now more than ever. Hell, I already don't talk to half the friends I've made in the past two and a half years of high school--we might as well say our good-bye's now. Not "see you later"; not "see you tomorrow"; not "I'll see you around"; "Good-bye".

ONE more freekin' night of homework for Spring Break. ONE more freekin' day of school. Just ONE.

But I don't know how well I'll be able to handle it. I lost my head yesterday. I broke down to a person whom I hardly know. How much more would I weep, sob and try to hide when in front of someone I still deeply care for, miss, and can't even share a minute-long conversation with. I loathe Fridays. Maybe even more than the distraction-filled Sundays.

Happy Birthday, Andy. Sorry to have greeted you so late, babe. I'll be there Saturday--promise; I wouldn't miss your party for the world. One year older. Time flies by so fast. I miss you already... And to think, I only held you hours ago...

THANK GOD.

Girl vs. Girl

Lots of conflicts and fights have been going on. Preventable, but as humans, we chose to act when in the heat of our passion and sin. Lord, please help us. Help me...

"Every girl has that one girlfriend who hurt them the most..." - philosophy class

Something like that. I'm not quite sure what Leibner really said, but it was around those terms. And THAT was when my afternoon wen't downhill.

YOU have no idea how much I miss you, nor how I'll always be missing you. YOU'll never know how much pain is felt, to have you so close to me while your mind and your heart is elsewhere. I don't know how I can see you almost everyday, stand up straight, smile and laugh, and pretend like nothing even happened, but I do it. Why? Because I don't know what else to do. I'm THAT lost.

Thanks.

"Get buck!"

Hahah...

It has been the longest day of my week. 7:30am-9:30pm, I was out and about. =/ Thank goodness all three of my classes today only required me to think and not do work.

Fun times at the MPR with the ASA Kickback. It turned out pretty well--aside from some minor situations like having Sam being sick, some mellow drama and lack of set-up time (because some of the students had a sit-out at the quad and planned to walk out)--so, yay!! It was a pretty awesome thing how everyone who attended helped to clean up, since the clean-up crew disappeared.

Anyway, a few things I learned:

• I'm an "old" dancer
• I totally dig guys who can dance ballroom (particularly, Waltz--and don't ask my why because I wouldn't know. Haha.)
• I can't dance TOO close to anyone ("step back, you're dancing kinda close...")
• I don't think I'll ever learn how to "get buck"
• Couples who chose to sit and talk and hang out instead of dance (like Lani and Tobhen) are TOO cute
• Teachers have a lot of crazy dance moves to share--Hahah

Woosh. Next item to tackle down for ASA: The Banquet. (I should go find me a dress... and a date... hahah--yeppp!)

Antisocial.

It's sooo bad.

It's not that I don't wanna make friends. More like I can't, even though I really should. Why? My psyche has been disturbed due to past failed friendships.

I had to reply today. Even after the silence and having been ignored for months, I couldn't bare to ignore her one bit. I couldn't let her walk away or reply without giving her an amicable smile. I felt this wave of emotions of anger and confusion hit me right after it all happend; I wanted to punch a wall. "What the hell just happened?" She came out of no where, alone, vulnerable, (literally) as a lost child and I could've walked away without smiling and I could've became a big-itch, but I didn't do that. I empathized with her... Searching for those friends whom you'd "need" to converse with in order to have a "normal" day... The difference between her and I: she found those friends.

In order to avoid future occurances of these awkward moments, I hold myself back and lack the capacity to "grab my balls" and talk to new people, ergo, making me antisocial.