Devil

It wasn't God's will. Things didn't go as planned. The devil just tempted me and just confused me even more.

To answer a few people's questions: No, I am not okay. I hate how weird I'm acting... how moody I got today, how speechless and emotional I was... I hate how I try to make an effort to make things better with hidden, not-so-great intentions whose presence I hardly recognize until after my plans don't pull through. I hate how I have high expectations of certain things; I have to get into my head that things are changing, that things aren't the same anymore, that I'm getting older and people will begin to leave my side more and more often. I HATE being like this... But I am.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly altruistic or not. I'd like to think of myself as that type of person, but why do I get angry when I don't get recognized for the things that I do? Why do I do all the "small" things and expect to be praised in some way or another? Why do I feel unappreciated and insignificant, as if I'm always ignored?

There's two weeks until my birthday. I don't want that day to come. No--I'm not afraid of getting older. I just don't want to celebrate it. Especially at someone's wedding (no offense). I don't want to think of it as a special day and act like I'm someone special because I'm a year older--when in all actuality, I haven't been, am not and wouldn't be special at all.

Somethings wrong with my mind. I can't seem to spell a lot of common words correctly without using a dictionary. As bad as it may sound, sometimes I wish I had something wrong with my mind. Like a chemical imbalance or something that scientifically explains why I am the way I am. I'm not saying I don't appreciate or love who I am now, I just need an explanation.

I need an explanation for everything. I'm only human. Yes, I have faith, but part of me wants more; I want logic.



so much for doing the "nez" thing...