trashed

you got everything planned out; you had your resources, your ideas, support.. you had it going good. then you come to find out that all the work and energy you put into this simple little thing has come down to nothing and was meant to be trashed.. thrown out.. as if it never even existed.
if it be the will of God, then so be it.

trying my best to mean that in the most sincere way, trying my best to let go and let God, trying my best to calm the anxiety in me.. i sit here wondering what is the will of God. what is it that He wants me to do right here, right now? pray? work on talks? do homework?

in all honesty, i felt like i had it under control. i felt like i had the power. i felt like it was my job to do this and it felt like i was on my way to success. i felt good.

i felt good until my eyes were opened.. until i saw myself no longer standing in the shadows, but now into the light. never have i realized how much pride i have within me, how much jealousy easily takes control over me, how much anger i can unleash to an innocent soul.

they say its good to see the light, that you should follow it. its good if you want to reach salvation, but its a hard thing to reach that light. like father raymond said, the closer you get to the light, the easier it is for you to see how dirty you really are.

My Lord, my most loving, merciful, God, thank you for allowing me to see the dirt that i've thrown upon myself. Thank you for opening my spiritual eyes and my heart and allowing me to see how much of you i've been missing out on for so long.
Please, keep me in this state with my eyes wide open so that i may be able to do things for your glorification and not my own. Please help me to understand that each and everything i do can and should be a prayer to you. Please allow me to put all my trust in you so that your words may be spoken through me, so that your message will be given out, so that your love will be spread.
Mother Mary, you've prayed over and over for my sinning soul. You've been there during the many times when I've failed both you and your Son, yet neither of you left my side. You continue to interceed for me and you continue to help me grow closer to our God. I honor you and your most immaculate heart.