i really have to watch what i say. i tend to hurt people through my random word vomits. those word vomits, or rather, random acts of speaking, get me into a lot of deep crap. i've never realized how mean my ways of being sarcastic is.
its sad tho cuz i dont mean those words seriously but people take it very very very seriously and take it to the head. and then when i do say something that i'm really serious about, everyone thinks i'm just joking around and laughs. am i that weird that no one understands my seriousness?
i blog too much. =/ its not cool.
+EDIT+
try-outs are tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
30 minutes
did you know that its approximately a 30 minute walk from CHS to my house? and on saturday, i walked to church from my house and that took around.. 45-50 minutes.
for the 30 whole minutes i was walking, i was paranoid. there was a black car that parked while i was walking on this one street and then 15 minutes later i see the same car park park on another street i was walking on. i saw some ghetto kids, not to be mean, but they were, and i felt like they were walking behind me. goes to show that a girl shouldnt walk by herself, eh?
i'm sitting here bored out of my mind, getting fatter, hopeing that my TFC will be fixed cuz i missed out on a friday, a weekend, a monday, and a tuesday. =/ thats a lot of shows to catch up on.
i should work on my talk. eeks.
blahhh.
for the 30 whole minutes i was walking, i was paranoid. there was a black car that parked while i was walking on this one street and then 15 minutes later i see the same car park park on another street i was walking on. i saw some ghetto kids, not to be mean, but they were, and i felt like they were walking behind me. goes to show that a girl shouldnt walk by herself, eh?
i'm sitting here bored out of my mind, getting fatter, hopeing that my TFC will be fixed cuz i missed out on a friday, a weekend, a monday, and a tuesday. =/ thats a lot of shows to catch up on.
i should work on my talk. eeks.
blahhh.
Monday, May 30, 2005
closure
that's what makes it all different from the rest.
that's why i still read those old xanga entries. i've never gotten closure. i assumed things were done, but i kinda knew that deep down, it wasnt. not for me anyway.. i understand now that its why i keep looking and going back..
it's over. it's done. it is finished. or at least from me, it seems as if it is. i just hope i dont get all trippy and get sucked in again. not that its a bad thing, but i just dont wanna get into that stuff for the umpteenth time.
i highly doubt anyone knows what i'm really talking about on here, but if you knew me and my history, i'd say its pretty obvious..
you are wonderful, you're everything i need and more. you are wonderful, so beautiful tonight.. [part of kai's rendition of 'wonderful tonight']
lets go to the beach tomorrow. right afterschool. we get out early.. c'mon now! and i'm so serious this time!! please, someone that drives, lets go to the beach!!
that's why i still read those old xanga entries. i've never gotten closure. i assumed things were done, but i kinda knew that deep down, it wasnt. not for me anyway.. i understand now that its why i keep looking and going back..
it's over. it's done. it is finished. or at least from me, it seems as if it is. i just hope i dont get all trippy and get sucked in again. not that its a bad thing, but i just dont wanna get into that stuff for the umpteenth time.
i highly doubt anyone knows what i'm really talking about on here, but if you knew me and my history, i'd say its pretty obvious..
you are wonderful, you're everything i need and more. you are wonderful, so beautiful tonight.. [part of kai's rendition of 'wonderful tonight']
lets go to the beach tomorrow. right afterschool. we get out early.. c'mon now! and i'm so serious this time!! please, someone that drives, lets go to the beach!!
insane
haha okay i know i just blogged like an hour ago or whatever.. but recent happenings calls for another entry!
so my friend marthina was talking about her and a special friend of hers--know what i mean? her situation causes me to reminisice and think, "what really went on?" i asked more and more questions to myself.
i look back earlier in the evening. it was like what? 9ish? i was in andrew argel's room with antoinette, andrew baladad, austine, and oswynn learning how to play the ukelele through the chord sheet andrew baladad brought with him. i was teaching him how to play "lord i lift your name on high" even tho it was my first actual time playing the uke. antoinette goes, "man, nez, your tight! freekin talented man.. how do you not have a boyfriend?!" what did i do? i just sat there..
its not the first time i've been ask that question, nor is it the first time i've lingered around the topic..
i'm not gonna sit here and list the qualities i have that guys might find attractive.. but gosh.. i really do wonder about it! is it cuz i'm too.. tomboyish?? haha. i think time its taking its toll cuz all three of the guys i was with tonight said i've started to dress girlier. [its true.. i wore pink today.. haha..] or is it the fact that i'm just.. not cute? not that fit? haha. damn this superficial society!! haha!
gosh.. haha. its like the 3rd or 4th major time i've honestly thought about it in the past couple of years. its driving me insane!! not just insane, but bitter too. gahhh!!
i should go to bed now. i need sleep. i have to get up early tomorrow. =/ so much for a three-day-weekend.
so my friend marthina was talking about her and a special friend of hers--know what i mean? her situation causes me to reminisice and think, "what really went on?" i asked more and more questions to myself.
i look back earlier in the evening. it was like what? 9ish? i was in andrew argel's room with antoinette, andrew baladad, austine, and oswynn learning how to play the ukelele through the chord sheet andrew baladad brought with him. i was teaching him how to play "lord i lift your name on high" even tho it was my first actual time playing the uke. antoinette goes, "man, nez, your tight! freekin talented man.. how do you not have a boyfriend?!" what did i do? i just sat there..
its not the first time i've been ask that question, nor is it the first time i've lingered around the topic..
i'm not gonna sit here and list the qualities i have that guys might find attractive.. but gosh.. i really do wonder about it! is it cuz i'm too.. tomboyish?? haha. i think time its taking its toll cuz all three of the guys i was with tonight said i've started to dress girlier. [its true.. i wore pink today.. haha..] or is it the fact that i'm just.. not cute? not that fit? haha. damn this superficial society!! haha!
gosh.. haha. its like the 3rd or 4th major time i've honestly thought about it in the past couple of years. its driving me insane!! not just insane, but bitter too. gahhh!!
i should go to bed now. i need sleep. i have to get up early tomorrow. =/ so much for a three-day-weekend.
time
where has it gone? i went to hang out at the argel's tonight and it's felt like forever since i've last been there. i saw oswynn after forever and he looked emo. i saw andrew baladad and forgot he had a girlfriend. i listened to yellowcard's rough draft and said, "wow.. its been almost two years since i've heard this song.."
i started reading old posts yesterday. old xanga post. they're hilarious! =)
there's a portion which i ALWAYS have to reread.. over and over again. everytime i dwell in the past, its a MUST for me to look back on those posts. why am i talking about it? because they were brought up at the argel's place.
i have questions to ask. i've had so many opportunities. i've almost taken them, but something always interuppts. =/
i'm sorry, none of you know what the hell i'm talking about. haha. basically, i'm just dwelling on what was. haha. its kinda bad tho, considering that it WAS and its not now. ya know?
k ima go reread again and again and again.. haha. k byee!
i cant.. i shouldnt.. how could i? again?? really?
+EDIT+
i think i blog because no one else does anymore. =/ i'm so bored!! my TFC is down. =/
i started reading old posts yesterday. old xanga post. they're hilarious! =)
there's a portion which i ALWAYS have to reread.. over and over again. everytime i dwell in the past, its a MUST for me to look back on those posts. why am i talking about it? because they were brought up at the argel's place.
i have questions to ask. i've had so many opportunities. i've almost taken them, but something always interuppts. =/
i'm sorry, none of you know what the hell i'm talking about. haha. basically, i'm just dwelling on what was. haha. its kinda bad tho, considering that it WAS and its not now. ya know?
k ima go reread again and again and again.. haha. k byee!
i cant.. i shouldnt.. how could i? again?? really?
+EDIT+
i think i blog because no one else does anymore. =/ i'm so bored!! my TFC is down. =/
Sunday, May 29, 2005
no shopping this weekend
but its okay cuz i need time to recover from all the shopping i've done in the last three weeks. haha. and i got new shirts anyways so thats like $25.
what kind of shirts? the new LF shirts, of course!! =) it was $25 for me cuz i got an adult small with a collar, [ohh yes] and a plain youth medium.
someone said there's a kareoke night at gp's house. i'm not so sure what's going on but i'd like to go somewhere since it is a three day weekend. hopefully my parents let me go.
k i gotta go to mass. byee!
what kind of shirts? the new LF shirts, of course!! =) it was $25 for me cuz i got an adult small with a collar, [ohh yes] and a plain youth medium.
someone said there's a kareoke night at gp's house. i'm not so sure what's going on but i'd like to go somewhere since it is a three day weekend. hopefully my parents let me go.
k i gotta go to mass. byee!
Saturday, May 28, 2005
ohhhh my gosh!
my mom just said something about shopping at the lake elsinore outlet tomorrow! ekks!! =D i wanna go man! thats like.. shopping 4 weeks in a row!! uhhh son!
i was so sad last week cuz i didnt meet my "$80 shopping quota". i only got up to like.. $50 and i wanted to buy so much more stuff! i know its good that i didnt spend a lot, but goshhhh. soo much to buy! ahhhh! haha..
i'm surprised how much in good terms my mom and i are. considering the fact that she picked me up from school and dropped me off again in the span of like 2 and a half hours just for a project i didnt finish.. i'd think she'd be angrier with me. haha. oh wellz.
my dad, on the other hand, said that i cant keep doing things next year. if i make streetdance and my studies arent at the top of my priorities, he's gonna make me quit. same goes for LF. i think he's really really really serious this time.
i actually do plan to work hard next year tho. with God's grace, hopefully things will work out.
as for streetdance news, i think they like me. haha. i dunno. but frankly, i wouldnt mind so much if i made it or not cuz i know practices will take up a lot of time. i'd be disappointed if i didnt make it, but just to know that i tried out and did my best is fine with me. =) corny, but true. sadly, a bunch of the tryoutees dont feel the same as i do. one said "man, ima be soo pissed if i dont make it.."
k i gotta get to cleaning and stuff so i can make it to the GSS and whatnot.
4am phone calls.. ha.
i was so sad last week cuz i didnt meet my "$80 shopping quota". i only got up to like.. $50 and i wanted to buy so much more stuff! i know its good that i didnt spend a lot, but goshhhh. soo much to buy! ahhhh! haha..
i'm surprised how much in good terms my mom and i are. considering the fact that she picked me up from school and dropped me off again in the span of like 2 and a half hours just for a project i didnt finish.. i'd think she'd be angrier with me. haha. oh wellz.
my dad, on the other hand, said that i cant keep doing things next year. if i make streetdance and my studies arent at the top of my priorities, he's gonna make me quit. same goes for LF. i think he's really really really serious this time.
i actually do plan to work hard next year tho. with God's grace, hopefully things will work out.
as for streetdance news, i think they like me. haha. i dunno. but frankly, i wouldnt mind so much if i made it or not cuz i know practices will take up a lot of time. i'd be disappointed if i didnt make it, but just to know that i tried out and did my best is fine with me. =) corny, but true. sadly, a bunch of the tryoutees dont feel the same as i do. one said "man, ima be soo pissed if i dont make it.."
k i gotta get to cleaning and stuff so i can make it to the GSS and whatnot.
4am phone calls.. ha.
Friday, May 27, 2005
plans aren't meant to be accomplished
i really thought i was going to finish..
i'm at home.. suppose to be finishing my project.. i will.. in a while.. i have to write a letter first.
i'm leaving. i'm gone. goodbye.
i'm at home.. suppose to be finishing my project.. i will.. in a while.. i have to write a letter first.
i'm leaving. i'm gone. goodbye.
good morning, world
i just read lindsay's xanga and i couldnt say it anymore better..
its 2:30am right now. i've just finished the movie "the pianist" and i am almost done with the story board.. i just have to do two things: the analysis and the actual board. haha. so by the numbers of things to do, i'm almost done, but if you really look at the work.. i dunno where i stand. haha.
anyway, i thought i'd take a break and i do promise to get the work done. i may not finish all of it tonight, but i'll get it done before 4th..
the printer scares me. i have ear phones on because i wanted to listen to music as i write and it started making noises. haha.
gah.. i waste too much black ink. praise God its cheaper than colored ink.. haha.
i'm getting sleepy yo. i need some apple. haha.
its 2:30am right now. i've just finished the movie "the pianist" and i am almost done with the story board.. i just have to do two things: the analysis and the actual board. haha. so by the numbers of things to do, i'm almost done, but if you really look at the work.. i dunno where i stand. haha.
anyway, i thought i'd take a break and i do promise to get the work done. i may not finish all of it tonight, but i'll get it done before 4th..
the printer scares me. i have ear phones on because i wanted to listen to music as i write and it started making noises. haha.
gah.. i waste too much black ink. praise God its cheaper than colored ink.. haha.
i'm getting sleepy yo. i need some apple. haha.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
mortify.
got home like 10:15ish. was told that i cant leave unless its saturday night. but then again, i was told that when i went to glendale that one night but i still got to go out on friday and whatnot. oh well. my fault anyway.
baptism of the holy spirit. great stuff. 'nuff said.
movie - 2 hrs 30 minutes.
storyboard - while the movie plays and probably an hour more.
analysis - about another hour.
starting time - 11:15pm.
hmm.. so thats like an estimated 4 and a half hours of work. but i bet you i'll get distracted or stop somewhere in the middle to 'take a nap' and sleep. ha. my first all nighter? maybe.
happy birthday, ate richelle.
baptism of the holy spirit. great stuff. 'nuff said.
movie - 2 hrs 30 minutes.
storyboard - while the movie plays and probably an hour more.
analysis - about another hour.
starting time - 11:15pm.
hmm.. so thats like an estimated 4 and a half hours of work. but i bet you i'll get distracted or stop somewhere in the middle to 'take a nap' and sleep. ha. my first all nighter? maybe.
happy birthday, ate richelle.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
breathe, stretch, shake, let it go..
my history teacher is right. watching tv and movies gets one depressed. we watch 'em to escape reality even if we know its only for those couple of hours. but once its over, once we felt like we lived the lives of others, once we thought that our lives were "okay" compared to the lives of those portrayed in our shows/movies.. we begin to wish that our show is still there to distract us from the problems we face. why? because we realize that our lives could be "okay" if we put more effort into it, but we dont. and so we end up depressed.
i dunno, maybe its just me. maybe its just cuz i've just watched one tree hill.
compared to those on tv, my life is fine. i dont have a run-away ex who has my baby. i dont have a fallen marriage. i dont have medical injuries. i dont have a lunatic father, a drug addict for a mother, nor a brother who decided to drop our relationship.
but unlike them, i dont have plans, a future, or anywhere to go. lucas told brooke how he felt about her. haily came back. payton has a mother. nathan is going to high flyers. karen is going to new zealand to be with the guy she loves. they all have dreams and they're all slowly getting there or at least attempting to get there.
i, on the other hand, also have dreams but have no intentions of reaching them. i'm not saying i give up on what's in store for me--at least i dont think i am. i'm just saying that i know i've screwed up. i know i can't really do things over. i know that i cant make it if i continue to do the things i do. i also know i'm gonna continue to slack off and that its gonna get worse as time progresses.
i'm not quite sure who they quoted on the show, but someone said that there are two things that can cause a person great tragedy: one is reaching your desire and the other is.. i forgot.. haha. it had something to do with desire and not reaching it.. i think.. but anyway, i'm not ready for tragedy. i'm not ready for the pain. i'm not ready for responsibility. i know i have to face it whe the time comes because i know that by then, God will know i'm ready.. but i really dont want to.
on another topic--well not really, but it kinda is--i'm gonna explain how the "breathe, stretch, shake, let it go.." thing works with this entry. i've been holding back, holding my breath in, afraid to take it whatever it is that's out there for me to take it. i'm scared to stretch and take the chances, to reach out there for the opportunities. i know i need to shake off my fears, dust it off my shoulders, and just LET IT GO. and oh! its one of the songs in the tryout routine which has a lot of booty in it and it's been stuck in my head.. haha that's all.
i'm talking like such a wise ass right now. ha. i'm gonna stop before i end up on the subject of boys or something..
i dunno, maybe its just me. maybe its just cuz i've just watched one tree hill.
compared to those on tv, my life is fine. i dont have a run-away ex who has my baby. i dont have a fallen marriage. i dont have medical injuries. i dont have a lunatic father, a drug addict for a mother, nor a brother who decided to drop our relationship.
but unlike them, i dont have plans, a future, or anywhere to go. lucas told brooke how he felt about her. haily came back. payton has a mother. nathan is going to high flyers. karen is going to new zealand to be with the guy she loves. they all have dreams and they're all slowly getting there or at least attempting to get there.
i, on the other hand, also have dreams but have no intentions of reaching them. i'm not saying i give up on what's in store for me--at least i dont think i am. i'm just saying that i know i've screwed up. i know i can't really do things over. i know that i cant make it if i continue to do the things i do. i also know i'm gonna continue to slack off and that its gonna get worse as time progresses.
i'm not quite sure who they quoted on the show, but someone said that there are two things that can cause a person great tragedy: one is reaching your desire and the other is.. i forgot.. haha. it had something to do with desire and not reaching it.. i think.. but anyway, i'm not ready for tragedy. i'm not ready for the pain. i'm not ready for responsibility. i know i have to face it whe the time comes because i know that by then, God will know i'm ready.. but i really dont want to.
on another topic--well not really, but it kinda is--i'm gonna explain how the "breathe, stretch, shake, let it go.." thing works with this entry. i've been holding back, holding my breath in, afraid to take it whatever it is that's out there for me to take it. i'm scared to stretch and take the chances, to reach out there for the opportunities. i know i need to shake off my fears, dust it off my shoulders, and just LET IT GO. and oh! its one of the songs in the tryout routine which has a lot of booty in it and it's been stuck in my head.. haha that's all.
i'm talking like such a wise ass right now. ha. i'm gonna stop before i end up on the subject of boys or something..
=)
isabel and jerel made my day! haha. cute stuff.
workshop was tiring even tho i only made it for like the last 30 minutes. haha. it was fun and hot and i see tans again! boo!! just when i thought i almost had my body pretty evened out!!
so why was i late? i was at maharlika practice. =) i'm learning sinkil for multicultural week. i didnt dance tinikling for the "PCN" thing we had so i havent been under bamboo sticks in a while. that means i gotta work on lifting my legs cuz my ankles get caught too much. but its so hard!! why? cuz workshops make me sore.. especially my thighs!!
i'm gonna watch my soaps, take a nap then call the video store to see if they have a movie for the storyboard project that's due on friday--which i have yet to start on. =)
bye baby!! i love you!!!
workshop was tiring even tho i only made it for like the last 30 minutes. haha. it was fun and hot and i see tans again! boo!! just when i thought i almost had my body pretty evened out!!
so why was i late? i was at maharlika practice. =) i'm learning sinkil for multicultural week. i didnt dance tinikling for the "PCN" thing we had so i havent been under bamboo sticks in a while. that means i gotta work on lifting my legs cuz my ankles get caught too much. but its so hard!! why? cuz workshops make me sore.. especially my thighs!!
i'm gonna watch my soaps, take a nap then call the video store to see if they have a movie for the storyboard project that's due on friday--which i have yet to start on. =)
bye baby!! i love you!!!
extra
my dad told me yesterday that i'm more involved and caught up with my extra curricular activities than my studies and school work. what do i think about it? he's right. haha.
he told me that after workshops. he picked me up and dropped me off at the annex for the adult LSS. i didnt get home til 10pm so that means i was out from 7:30am til 10pm without eating a real meal.
i tried doing history homework. i've done good. finished part of it. i just have to do the rest but i'm starting to get lazy.
laziness is playing a big, and i mean BIG, role in my academic career. haha. i just got myself excused from the assigned project in art class and i'm gonna do something different. my art teacher is cool.. haha.
k, i shall go back to helping the teacher out. =) ttyl!
he told me that after workshops. he picked me up and dropped me off at the annex for the adult LSS. i didnt get home til 10pm so that means i was out from 7:30am til 10pm without eating a real meal.
i tried doing history homework. i've done good. finished part of it. i just have to do the rest but i'm starting to get lazy.
laziness is playing a big, and i mean BIG, role in my academic career. haha. i just got myself excused from the assigned project in art class and i'm gonna do something different. my art teacher is cool.. haha.
k, i shall go back to helping the teacher out. =) ttyl!
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
forgot
i got caught up with myself again yesterday. i didnt do homework. i'm gonna get a lower B in chemistry.. i lost my effin A in chem and english. i almost have a C in english--i do have a C in english but he rounded it up to a B for the 15 week. i'm lame.
i keep replaying the song over and over on cheska's xanga cuz its the only means that i can listen to music. i need an mp3 player or something..
rose said to get a shuffle since i kinda need a flash drive too.
its useless to say i'm gonna buy one cuz i have no money. i've been shopping due to subconscious jealousy too much and i'm almost broke.. ha.
they're watching a movie and this one foo is really annoying. he disrespects everyone--including the teacher. the teacher already got mad at him and its barely 10 minutes into class. i just told him to shut up. i think krizia rubbed off. haha.
krizia, i miss ya already! haha.
i bet you people are actually reading this right now.. hmm.. hi michelle! haha. damn i'm bored..
okay gotta go find another blog/xanga with a song on it. k byee.
i keep replaying the song over and over on cheska's xanga cuz its the only means that i can listen to music. i need an mp3 player or something..
rose said to get a shuffle since i kinda need a flash drive too.
its useless to say i'm gonna buy one cuz i have no money. i've been shopping due to subconscious jealousy too much and i'm almost broke.. ha.
they're watching a movie and this one foo is really annoying. he disrespects everyone--including the teacher. the teacher already got mad at him and its barely 10 minutes into class. i just told him to shut up. i think krizia rubbed off. haha.
krizia, i miss ya already! haha.
i bet you people are actually reading this right now.. hmm.. hi michelle! haha. damn i'm bored..
okay gotta go find another blog/xanga with a song on it. k byee.
Monday, May 23, 2005
too much blogging.. oh freekin well
i dont know why but i always have a feeling that i need to blog or else its gonna drive me nuts.. nuttier than i am now.
its really useless tho because as much as i'd like to tell the world how i feel, i cant. why? i cant express into words what they are. i cant tell the world what i think because i know that in someway, i'll be contradicted.
i'm afraid to be challenged after i take the chance. so why do i still take chances? who khnows.
i'm still scared. the fear of failing everything and everyone has yet to leave me. i think its worse now than it was.
the fear of losing everyone freaks me out. but i know that i'm slowly pushing everyone away with insane blogs and with my-prideful-self.
silences and long pauses causes me to be paranoid.
excuses pisses me off, but i tend to use a lot myself. i'm such a hypocrite.
if you think this entry is random, its not. i'm just not elaborating on antying..
i like to debate and argue even while knowing i'll lose except when i'm pissed from the beginning of the conversation. if so, then just shut your face.
i'm bitter like an effer and i'm getting angrier and more bitter by the second.
i need to get off the internet.. damnit. it just fuels the fire within me.
eff this.
something's definitely wrong. i blog like 3 times a day for goodness sake! i wish i knew what's up, but i dont.
i still need that hug..
i'm going to bed. i have to do homework tomorrow morning..
its really useless tho because as much as i'd like to tell the world how i feel, i cant. why? i cant express into words what they are. i cant tell the world what i think because i know that in someway, i'll be contradicted.
i'm afraid to be challenged after i take the chance. so why do i still take chances? who khnows.
i'm still scared. the fear of failing everything and everyone has yet to leave me. i think its worse now than it was.
the fear of losing everyone freaks me out. but i know that i'm slowly pushing everyone away with insane blogs and with my-prideful-self.
silences and long pauses causes me to be paranoid.
excuses pisses me off, but i tend to use a lot myself. i'm such a hypocrite.
if you think this entry is random, its not. i'm just not elaborating on antying..
i like to debate and argue even while knowing i'll lose except when i'm pissed from the beginning of the conversation. if so, then just shut your face.
i'm bitter like an effer and i'm getting angrier and more bitter by the second.
i need to get off the internet.. damnit. it just fuels the fire within me.
eff this.
something's definitely wrong. i blog like 3 times a day for goodness sake! i wish i knew what's up, but i dont.
i still need that hug..
i'm going to bed. i have to do homework tomorrow morning..
my-hypocritcal-analytical-self
i told myself i wouldnt conform to the style of others, that i would never be offended--or at least not take it seriously--when called a name, that i wouldn't be depressed over simple little things, that i wouldnt be so obsessed with other things--like myspace. what happened? i've started to change into those things i said i would never be.
i really goes to show that you should never say never.
i was told that we must constantly change to improve because afterall, the biggest space there is to fill is the space for improvement. if we dont change or are not willing to change or adjust to what things are becoming/have become, then we'll never be able to know what's really out there.
i say that changes are for the best. i say that where God the Son is--heaven--is the place i want to be, that God the Father has mapped out how to get to that destination with changes, and that God the Holy Spirit is guiding me there slow and steadily. but then what i say is different from what i do. deep down, i know i'm against change. i take the driver's seat, i take the map with my own eyes, and head to where i want to go which is usually away from my original destination. =/ get me?
while trying [keyword: trying] to take a nap and getting some rest, i realized that i'm getting worked up and i'm being so.. bitter.. about the stupidest little things. i realized that i'm doing things that i dont even need to do. i realized a lot of things..
- as much as i'd like it and even tho it starts out that way, i dont think i can like a guy who's my friend.
- i become overwhelmed with jealousy very easily.
- i'm specific about my blogs but at the same time, i'm not.
- i dont do things for myself anymore. i do things for others.
i dunno. a lot of things are running through my head. it bites. i'll leave you with something i found from a guy named Sarasy via myspace: "If I cant help you out of a hole, Ill climb in there with you. Ill smile and say I dont mind. "
i really goes to show that you should never say never.
i was told that we must constantly change to improve because afterall, the biggest space there is to fill is the space for improvement. if we dont change or are not willing to change or adjust to what things are becoming/have become, then we'll never be able to know what's really out there.
i say that changes are for the best. i say that where God the Son is--heaven--is the place i want to be, that God the Father has mapped out how to get to that destination with changes, and that God the Holy Spirit is guiding me there slow and steadily. but then what i say is different from what i do. deep down, i know i'm against change. i take the driver's seat, i take the map with my own eyes, and head to where i want to go which is usually away from my original destination. =/ get me?
while trying [keyword: trying] to take a nap and getting some rest, i realized that i'm getting worked up and i'm being so.. bitter.. about the stupidest little things. i realized that i'm doing things that i dont even need to do. i realized a lot of things..
- as much as i'd like it and even tho it starts out that way, i dont think i can like a guy who's my friend.
- i become overwhelmed with jealousy very easily.
- i'm specific about my blogs but at the same time, i'm not.
- i dont do things for myself anymore. i do things for others.
i dunno. a lot of things are running through my head. it bites. i'll leave you with something i found from a guy named Sarasy via myspace: "If I cant help you out of a hole, Ill climb in there with you. Ill smile and say I dont mind. "
Sunday, May 22, 2005
depression = broke
its true. haha. i know why i'm broke. now i need to know why i really do shop. so here's my theory..
"i shop because i'm depressed.." isnt really BS, but it isnt really the truth either.
from recent and personal experiences, i've been shopping for things i've been craving to buy--mainly brand named clothes that i wouldnt usually wear or the 'new' or 'in' style of clothes. i believe there's a reason for that: its because its what someone else has. basically, it all comes down to jealousy.
but not the typical jealousy. its more like.. subconscious jealousy. the typical jealousy is "i want this cuz so-and-so has it and i wanna be like him/her.." the subconscious jealousy is like the following example:
your bf/gf has a best friend of the opposite sex. of course, you understand how important friends are and so you dont mind that your bf/gf hangs out with that best friend more than your bf/gf hangs out with you. that best friend wears things like hollister or ambercrombie or AE or aeropostle. you tell yourself you're totally not jealous of that best friend, but deep down inside, you are. the fact that you're in denial causes you to shop and you tend to shop for things that your bf/gf's best friend wears. why? because, although you dont really admit it or know it yourself, you want to be like that best friend and have more attention from your bf/gf. get it?
this example hardly applies to me. well, the actual situation doesnt.. haha.
it IS possible for me to elaborate on this, but knowing who reads this blog.. i'd rather not.
but i admit it. haha. i'm freekin jealous. haha damn it.. eff that.. hahaha! man.. i'm so bitter right now that it actually IS funny. haha k good night, you freekin loser! =P
"i shop because i'm depressed.." isnt really BS, but it isnt really the truth either.
from recent and personal experiences, i've been shopping for things i've been craving to buy--mainly brand named clothes that i wouldnt usually wear or the 'new' or 'in' style of clothes. i believe there's a reason for that: its because its what someone else has. basically, it all comes down to jealousy.
but not the typical jealousy. its more like.. subconscious jealousy. the typical jealousy is "i want this cuz so-and-so has it and i wanna be like him/her.." the subconscious jealousy is like the following example:
your bf/gf has a best friend of the opposite sex. of course, you understand how important friends are and so you dont mind that your bf/gf hangs out with that best friend more than your bf/gf hangs out with you. that best friend wears things like hollister or ambercrombie or AE or aeropostle. you tell yourself you're totally not jealous of that best friend, but deep down inside, you are. the fact that you're in denial causes you to shop and you tend to shop for things that your bf/gf's best friend wears. why? because, although you dont really admit it or know it yourself, you want to be like that best friend and have more attention from your bf/gf. get it?
this example hardly applies to me. well, the actual situation doesnt.. haha.
it IS possible for me to elaborate on this, but knowing who reads this blog.. i'd rather not.
but i admit it. haha. i'm freekin jealous. haha damn it.. eff that.. hahaha! man.. i'm so bitter right now that it actually IS funny. haha k good night, you freekin loser! =P
hanford, california
i left it all behind.. aside from the phone calls, i pretty much did. it felt good. real good.
k, i'm gonna try and keep it pretty detailed, but not soo detailed cuz then it'd be really long and i'm tired already.. haha.
rode with the parents/adults up to hanford and i rode with the cousins back.
saturday: trip up there was kinda boring. going 60mph at 4:30am, early on a saturday morning, on the 405fwy, in the fast lane isnt such a great adventure. but its okay cuz i got more time to pray the rosary. =) got there like at 7:30? pretty darn good to see the cousins.. even tho we werent complete.
got ready and left for the cal state university of fresno graduation ceremony at 8:30 and got there at 9 when it started at 10. haha. 2 hours of speeches got me sleepy. =/
ate lunch at "east and west" which is soo freekin awesome! got fat for 2 hours! haha. i wish i took pictures.. anyway, it was me, ate donna, missy, jhoanna, cory, hector, monique, penny, jeff, and kuya julius at one of the tables and it was great! good times man.. good times! country music on the way back to the house.
they took funky pictures of me when i fell asleep on the ride.. haha. i'd post, but then it wasnt on my camera.. then we took funny pictures throughout the night without my camera cuz i was lazy to get it. haha.
had the dinner/party at the cousin's house. watched drumline, breakdanced, jammed, ate, talk, and LAUGH. hanford kids are funny. =)
made some phone calls and got some phone calls from people here in the LA area. i kinda missed them.. haha.
today: 12:15am, we changed. 12:25ish, we jumped in the pool!! =D ate joy, kuya xan, kuya jr, ate donna, kuya dean, kuya julius, penny, jhoanna and i were cold, but we had fun. haha. got out like 1:20am ish cuz people started to sneeze and get cramps cuz they ate before they swam.. haha.
took forever to get into a shower because everyone was taking one and so i didnt get finished til like 2:15ish. played some texas hold 'em.. or at least i tried to play after watching 3 rounds. haha. then ate some more and jammed some more and talked some more and hella laughed some more. bed at 4am.
6:45/7am wake up call from the parentals. changed and ate breakfast. took more pictures--with my camera which will be posted soon--and laughed and bonded while eating bon-bons. =)
left like at 9ish for shopping at the outlet which was 20-30 minutes away.
i wish i brought money!! =/ thank God for parents! =D spent $45; 2 pairs of classic reeboks, 4 plain-colored board shorts from quicksilver--not bad spending, eh? i like how we much good timing we have when it comes to sales. =) eye-ed down some outfits/bathing suits from the gap, pacsun, and quicksilver. looked like tourists and took stupid pictures.. haha! ate mcdonalds afterwards.
got gas and left around.. 12 ish. traffic; long drive home. so long that we made a pit stop. haha. back in carson around 4ish. chilled at R&R video's cuz thats where we dropped off ate rozette's scion that we rode in. took the 4runner to del amo mall at 4:30ish. stayed until 6:30ish walking around and browsing and trying on stuff! pictures are to come! =D
home at 7pm and kissed my dad on the cheek and jokingly asked if he missed me. =) its good to be home again.
tired like heck! dunno if i have homework.. praise God that churchill said i can turn in my storyboard next monday.. haha.
michelle didnt blog for me. suckerrr. haha. kidding.
before i sleep tho, i'm gonna try to take care of all the things i left behind, like LF stuff.
sorry for not letting anyone know i was leaving until i was gone. sorry for forgeting to give the alter to someone. sorry for not showing up for practice for the 3rd week in a row and not being able to sing/conduct [if it was needed] for mass. sorry for volunteering the greeters meeting to be at my house and cancelling last minute. sorry for still not doing the write up for intercessory. sorry, LF.
k, i'm gonna try and keep it pretty detailed, but not soo detailed cuz then it'd be really long and i'm tired already.. haha.
rode with the parents/adults up to hanford and i rode with the cousins back.
saturday: trip up there was kinda boring. going 60mph at 4:30am, early on a saturday morning, on the 405fwy, in the fast lane isnt such a great adventure. but its okay cuz i got more time to pray the rosary. =) got there like at 7:30? pretty darn good to see the cousins.. even tho we werent complete.
got ready and left for the cal state university of fresno graduation ceremony at 8:30 and got there at 9 when it started at 10. haha. 2 hours of speeches got me sleepy. =/
ate lunch at "east and west" which is soo freekin awesome! got fat for 2 hours! haha. i wish i took pictures.. anyway, it was me, ate donna, missy, jhoanna, cory, hector, monique, penny, jeff, and kuya julius at one of the tables and it was great! good times man.. good times! country music on the way back to the house.
they took funky pictures of me when i fell asleep on the ride.. haha. i'd post, but then it wasnt on my camera.. then we took funny pictures throughout the night without my camera cuz i was lazy to get it. haha.
had the dinner/party at the cousin's house. watched drumline, breakdanced, jammed, ate, talk, and LAUGH. hanford kids are funny. =)
made some phone calls and got some phone calls from people here in the LA area. i kinda missed them.. haha.
today: 12:15am, we changed. 12:25ish, we jumped in the pool!! =D ate joy, kuya xan, kuya jr, ate donna, kuya dean, kuya julius, penny, jhoanna and i were cold, but we had fun. haha. got out like 1:20am ish cuz people started to sneeze and get cramps cuz they ate before they swam.. haha.
took forever to get into a shower because everyone was taking one and so i didnt get finished til like 2:15ish. played some texas hold 'em.. or at least i tried to play after watching 3 rounds. haha. then ate some more and jammed some more and talked some more and hella laughed some more. bed at 4am.
6:45/7am wake up call from the parentals. changed and ate breakfast. took more pictures--with my camera which will be posted soon--and laughed and bonded while eating bon-bons. =)
left like at 9ish for shopping at the outlet which was 20-30 minutes away.
i wish i brought money!! =/ thank God for parents! =D spent $45; 2 pairs of classic reeboks, 4 plain-colored board shorts from quicksilver--not bad spending, eh? i like how we much good timing we have when it comes to sales. =) eye-ed down some outfits/bathing suits from the gap, pacsun, and quicksilver. looked like tourists and took stupid pictures.. haha! ate mcdonalds afterwards.
got gas and left around.. 12 ish. traffic; long drive home. so long that we made a pit stop. haha. back in carson around 4ish. chilled at R&R video's cuz thats where we dropped off ate rozette's scion that we rode in. took the 4runner to del amo mall at 4:30ish. stayed until 6:30ish walking around and browsing and trying on stuff! pictures are to come! =D
home at 7pm and kissed my dad on the cheek and jokingly asked if he missed me. =) its good to be home again.
tired like heck! dunno if i have homework.. praise God that churchill said i can turn in my storyboard next monday.. haha.
michelle didnt blog for me. suckerrr. haha. kidding.
before i sleep tho, i'm gonna try to take care of all the things i left behind, like LF stuff.
sorry for not letting anyone know i was leaving until i was gone. sorry for forgeting to give the alter to someone. sorry for not showing up for practice for the 3rd week in a row and not being able to sing/conduct [if it was needed] for mass. sorry for volunteering the greeters meeting to be at my house and cancelling last minute. sorry for still not doing the write up for intercessory. sorry, LF.
Friday, May 20, 2005
woot!!
road trip! =) gonna go to hanford for my cousin's college graduation at fresno. =) gonna meet up with the cuz-oh's and be ghetto and laugh and yeahhh! haha. damn i miss those fools. haha. i mean.. its not gonna be all of us, but some is better than none, right?
i'm kinda down tho cuz my parents dont want them leaving unless my mom and aunts leave at the same time. so that means i cant go with them on the way there. =/ i gotta ride with my mom. but that's still iffy. either way, we get to hang out. =)
today was a good day.
cheska and lindsay, you two are funny. =) but i love ya both.
i'm kinda down tho cuz my parents dont want them leaving unless my mom and aunts leave at the same time. so that means i cant go with them on the way there. =/ i gotta ride with my mom. but that's still iffy. either way, we get to hang out. =)
today was a good day.
cheska and lindsay, you two are funny. =) but i love ya both.
star wars
everyone's getting into the star wars phase. i am too. its great. hehe. my art teacher has been showing us the old star wars so now we're watching episode 5 when the infamous line, "luke.. i am your father.." is said.
anyway, i've been trying to persuade my art teacher about going on a field trip. i asked if we can go to the beach, to a sushi bar, watch star wars 3, or even to a local park. he said he wants to, but he doesnt know how he's gonna get a bus. some students volunteered to drive so that'd be really cool.
i cant believe its friday aready. the week has gone by fast. praise God. all the testing is over with.
in other news, a bunch of other kids and another teacher came in to watch movies with us. haha. we should have food.
i really dislike this keyboard. [i'm using the old windows computer.. i think its like a '96. haha.
so i'm not so emo today. lets just wait til later on today. =/ k well i'm gonna go watch the movie and attempt to do math hw.. haha. keyword: attempt.
eww!! princess leah just kissed luke skywalker on the lips!! they're brothers and sisters man!! twins!! gahh i'm going crazee. haha. good day to you all. =)
anyway, i've been trying to persuade my art teacher about going on a field trip. i asked if we can go to the beach, to a sushi bar, watch star wars 3, or even to a local park. he said he wants to, but he doesnt know how he's gonna get a bus. some students volunteered to drive so that'd be really cool.
i cant believe its friday aready. the week has gone by fast. praise God. all the testing is over with.
in other news, a bunch of other kids and another teacher came in to watch movies with us. haha. we should have food.
i really dislike this keyboard. [i'm using the old windows computer.. i think its like a '96. haha.
so i'm not so emo today. lets just wait til later on today. =/ k well i'm gonna go watch the movie and attempt to do math hw.. haha. keyword: attempt.
eww!! princess leah just kissed luke skywalker on the lips!! they're brothers and sisters man!! twins!! gahh i'm going crazee. haha. good day to you all. =)
Thursday, May 19, 2005
would you take it?
if you had that chance to make new memories with the people who once helped create the memories you have now.. that chance to have an old aventure become new again.. that chance to get away from the chaotic environment you exist in.. that chance to live without much worries.. would you take it?
i asked myself, "what would Jesus do?" and frankly, i dont know what he would do. its hard. i'm dealing with family on one hand and lots of responsibilities [including LF ones] in the other.
i dont know what's wrong with me. i'm tearing.. trying to stop the tears and from saying "i'm crying."
whoever you are, i have a favor to ask of you. if you see me, smiling, crying, looking bored, or in any condition, just hug me. please. i just need those types of hugs..
i know i dont do much but complain and talk about how much i'm going through right now.. which is stupid because i know that man's greatest vocation is to love and to suffer.. and i also know that there are so many people who really have and are struggling a lot more than i am.. but i cant help this.
i'm sorry for everything. i'm sorry for being selfish. i dont mean to be depressed like this. i never intended to cry. it wasnt my plan to have you pity me.
this is just who i am now..
i asked myself, "what would Jesus do?" and frankly, i dont know what he would do. its hard. i'm dealing with family on one hand and lots of responsibilities [including LF ones] in the other.
i dont know what's wrong with me. i'm tearing.. trying to stop the tears and from saying "i'm crying."
whoever you are, i have a favor to ask of you. if you see me, smiling, crying, looking bored, or in any condition, just hug me. please. i just need those types of hugs..
i know i dont do much but complain and talk about how much i'm going through right now.. which is stupid because i know that man's greatest vocation is to love and to suffer.. and i also know that there are so many people who really have and are struggling a lot more than i am.. but i cant help this.
i'm sorry for everything. i'm sorry for being selfish. i dont mean to be depressed like this. i never intended to cry. it wasnt my plan to have you pity me.
this is just who i am now..
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
breakdown.. again..
i couldnt help it..
i shouldnt go online anymore. i feel like when i get away from the computer, i get away from how i realy feel and from all the things i think of. i feel.. happy. the only sad part about it is that i dont know if its real happiness..
i'm greatful for people the people who took the time to talk to me and give me some sort of advice via chatbox, blog, phone, or in person these past couple of days.. some of you dont even know who you are.. but thank you. thank you all.
i just read something that leila gave me on saturday:
"we shall never learn to know ourselves except by endeavoring to know God; for, beholind His greatnes, we realize our own littleness; His purity shows us our foulness; and by meditating upon His humility, we find how very far we are from being humble." - Saint Teresa of Avila
i need not to say more. i gotta clean before my mom gets home.. plus, i gotta do hw now cuz i'm tired and i really dont feel like staying up. good night.
i shouldnt go online anymore. i feel like when i get away from the computer, i get away from how i realy feel and from all the things i think of. i feel.. happy. the only sad part about it is that i dont know if its real happiness..
i'm greatful for people the people who took the time to talk to me and give me some sort of advice via chatbox, blog, phone, or in person these past couple of days.. some of you dont even know who you are.. but thank you. thank you all.
i just read something that leila gave me on saturday:
"we shall never learn to know ourselves except by endeavoring to know God; for, beholind His greatnes, we realize our own littleness; His purity shows us our foulness; and by meditating upon His humility, we find how very far we are from being humble." - Saint Teresa of Avila
i need not to say more. i gotta clean before my mom gets home.. plus, i gotta do hw now cuz i'm tired and i really dont feel like staying up. good night.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
3rd for the day
i made my parents check me out of school during lunch. i couldnt handle the physical pain anymore. stupid cramps.. i missed 3rd and 5th period and workshops and i slept for 4 hours. after all the sleeping, i'm still sleepy and i'm in pain.
i really dislike school. theres nearly 5 weeks left and i'm slacking off more than ever. i cant believe how lazy i've become. but at the same time, i cant believe how hard i'm trying to fight the laziness. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt, but i know i'm trying. its just.. hard.
i'm scared. for me. for everything. maybe blogging, talking, procrastinating, and busying myself up is my escape from my fears.. which is rather stupid considering that i'm scared that i'll drop all my responsibilities.. but i'm scared.
right now, all i want is to have that one person say 'everything is going to be all right.' i know that there's one person for sure that will say that.. God.. but given the circumstances, i dont know if i hate the guts to go to him. not now..
i mean i havent done anything really stupid like attempted suicide, but i've done too many little things that have built up. i've gone to confession and stuff, but it still doesnt seem right.
i dont know if anyone will believe me, but i've wanted to take a break from everything for a while now.. from school, from friends, from the community.. from my family.. but for some reason, i know i shouldnt and i know i cant. being the stupid person, i have too much responsibility, too many people to hurt, too many things to deal with if i were to ever leave everything..
i dont know why all of a sudden i've decided to be honest with this post. maybe its all the drama series that i've been watching, maybe its the fact that more pressure is building up.. maybe i'm just tired of keeping it all in.. who knows..
i really dislike school. theres nearly 5 weeks left and i'm slacking off more than ever. i cant believe how lazy i've become. but at the same time, i cant believe how hard i'm trying to fight the laziness. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt, but i know i'm trying. its just.. hard.
i'm scared. for me. for everything. maybe blogging, talking, procrastinating, and busying myself up is my escape from my fears.. which is rather stupid considering that i'm scared that i'll drop all my responsibilities.. but i'm scared.
right now, all i want is to have that one person say 'everything is going to be all right.' i know that there's one person for sure that will say that.. God.. but given the circumstances, i dont know if i hate the guts to go to him. not now..
i mean i havent done anything really stupid like attempted suicide, but i've done too many little things that have built up. i've gone to confession and stuff, but it still doesnt seem right.
i dont know if anyone will believe me, but i've wanted to take a break from everything for a while now.. from school, from friends, from the community.. from my family.. but for some reason, i know i shouldnt and i know i cant. being the stupid person, i have too much responsibility, too many people to hurt, too many things to deal with if i were to ever leave everything..
i dont know why all of a sudden i've decided to be honest with this post. maybe its all the drama series that i've been watching, maybe its the fact that more pressure is building up.. maybe i'm just tired of keeping it all in.. who knows..
cat6/CST/Stanford9.. whatever its called
its gay. haha. i totally hate testing.. especially with that anonymous caller calling like every thirty minutes. pissing me off man.. that's soo not cool.
isnt it cool how its still testing time and i'm blogging? its quite awesome, really.. i like my art teacher. he let me go to the bathroom and stuff and he hasnt forced me to do work that's due today cuz i already have an A. =) i'm so spoiled in this class.. haha.
i have cramps and they're totally bugging.
haha i'm like totally talking like a white valley girl.. like yeah! hahaha!
oh so yesterday, it started sprinkling during workshops and we just stood out there in the rain until they could get the mpr available. it was fun.. haha.
blah blah blah. i'm so bored. lets see if the teacher has aim and if he'll let me use it! ta-ta! =)
isnt it cool how its still testing time and i'm blogging? its quite awesome, really.. i like my art teacher. he let me go to the bathroom and stuff and he hasnt forced me to do work that's due today cuz i already have an A. =) i'm so spoiled in this class.. haha.
i have cramps and they're totally bugging.
haha i'm like totally talking like a white valley girl.. like yeah! hahaha!
oh so yesterday, it started sprinkling during workshops and we just stood out there in the rain until they could get the mpr available. it was fun.. haha.
blah blah blah. i'm so bored. lets see if the teacher has aim and if he'll let me use it! ta-ta! =)
withheld
someone has called me twice in the last5 minutes and its pissing me off cuz they dont do anything but breathe. at the same time its scary because its like stalker status.. get me? its too early for these kinds of things!! >=O
Monday, May 16, 2005
"so.. caught up.."
for those that dont know, i'm trying out for streetdance. like ferrealz this time. i know i said it last year and that i backed out and didnt even go to workshops, but i'm serious this time. i went and now i'm pooped.
the 'caught up' [by usher] routine is pretty hard. just those 4 eight-counts we learned took an hour of teaching and most of the people trying out, with the exception of the returnies, didnt get it off the bat.
there were groups that just learned the move, but the thing with them, or at least from my observation, is that they learned the moves but didnt know the specifics like which way to face or how your leg is twisted in a certain angle and whatnot. for me, when i like to learn, i need to learn it in detailed. i think its one of the many reasons why our group was kinda slow at learning.. i asked too many questions.. haha. i also think that's i suck at putting the routine together because of the fact that i pay attention to the details from the start. anyway!
i'm so out of shape that its not even sad anymore.. its scary! haha. but ferrealz tho.. my legs are sore, i was panting after we ran, and i sweat really.. nastily.. all while learning the routine at a kinda slow pace. =/ i feel so slow.
i dont know what's wrong with me. i can learn it fast, but when the time comes to do it full out, it slips my mind. it happens for filipino club, debuts, etc.. in the end, i pull whatever it is i have to do just fine, but i get really frustrated when i cant get it. blech. hopefully i'll do better tomorrow..
i'm gonna take a nap, then wake up, watch tv, and do hw til 2am like last night! *sarcastically* whoop-ti-do! then wake up early to take a shower and sit in homeroom FOREVER for the [what's it called now? CST?] California Standardized Testing thingymabob. =/ i wish i were a senior and could go to the beach instead..
the 'caught up' [by usher] routine is pretty hard. just those 4 eight-counts we learned took an hour of teaching and most of the people trying out, with the exception of the returnies, didnt get it off the bat.
there were groups that just learned the move, but the thing with them, or at least from my observation, is that they learned the moves but didnt know the specifics like which way to face or how your leg is twisted in a certain angle and whatnot. for me, when i like to learn, i need to learn it in detailed. i think its one of the many reasons why our group was kinda slow at learning.. i asked too many questions.. haha. i also think that's i suck at putting the routine together because of the fact that i pay attention to the details from the start. anyway!
i'm so out of shape that its not even sad anymore.. its scary! haha. but ferrealz tho.. my legs are sore, i was panting after we ran, and i sweat really.. nastily.. all while learning the routine at a kinda slow pace. =/ i feel so slow.
i dont know what's wrong with me. i can learn it fast, but when the time comes to do it full out, it slips my mind. it happens for filipino club, debuts, etc.. in the end, i pull whatever it is i have to do just fine, but i get really frustrated when i cant get it. blech. hopefully i'll do better tomorrow..
i'm gonna take a nap, then wake up, watch tv, and do hw til 2am like last night! *sarcastically* whoop-ti-do! then wake up early to take a shower and sit in homeroom FOREVER for the [what's it called now? CST?] California Standardized Testing thingymabob. =/ i wish i were a senior and could go to the beach instead..
Sunday, May 15, 2005
disoriented
disoriented [adj.]: having lost your bearings; confused as to time or place or personal identity
my day: it consisted of waking up at 9:30ish to my mom cleaning the house--specifically, the gold room. i did clean it up pretty well last night/this morning, but i wanted to be the one to really clean it up, ya know? then off to 11am mass. so lost and confused about where to go due to the lack of communication. met up at the annex and freeloaded. went to vermont care which was pretty successful. went to herritage and that one went better than the first. good job everyone! =) went 'mall-ing' with geeps, lindsay, andrew, antoinette, carla, don, gene, and austine. tried to make andrew from pro clubs to AE stuff. haha, t'was quite entertaining. bought me some sun glasses and a purse from aeropostle. well, gp bought the bag, but i'm gonna pay him back. thanks, foo! food court discussion where more freeloading took place. 50 cent ice cream at mcdonalds. home.
i'm dangerous with money. i cant save for crap anymore. $80 spent again. =/
my organization skills, or lack thereof, is really gonna bite me in the butt soon. i feel that i'm gonna screw myself over more than i ever have in my entire life. workshops are here, testing is here, maharlika practices are coming up, i gotta prepare for worship leading and doing that other thing, its almost finals week, papers are due tomorrow and i'm sitting here blogging.
i took a nap and told myself i'd start hw at 8. woke up at 9, ate dinner, and here i am.
prayer without action is nothing. please, someone, pound that into my head!!
its funny how i know a lot of people right now who aren't 'okay'. sometimes, i'm one of those people. but it seems like everything is fine. damn these masks that we constantly put on. i need to let go.. i'm just not sure of what to let go of. =/
while mall-ing [ha, my terms are so stupid sometimes..], we discussed criterias. [this is mentionable, right? since its not specifics?] anyway, i dont think anyone has noticed how i havent really said anything yet. i've asked everyone for their opinion, but for some reason, i dont want to say mine. why? cuz i dont know what i want. sorry if you dont know what i'm talking about..
its time to end this. i gotta start on my paper/project and do some hw. like seriously..
my day: it consisted of waking up at 9:30ish to my mom cleaning the house--specifically, the gold room. i did clean it up pretty well last night/this morning, but i wanted to be the one to really clean it up, ya know? then off to 11am mass. so lost and confused about where to go due to the lack of communication. met up at the annex and freeloaded. went to vermont care which was pretty successful. went to herritage and that one went better than the first. good job everyone! =) went 'mall-ing' with geeps, lindsay, andrew, antoinette, carla, don, gene, and austine. tried to make andrew from pro clubs to AE stuff. haha, t'was quite entertaining. bought me some sun glasses and a purse from aeropostle. well, gp bought the bag, but i'm gonna pay him back. thanks, foo! food court discussion where more freeloading took place. 50 cent ice cream at mcdonalds. home.
i'm dangerous with money. i cant save for crap anymore. $80 spent again. =/
my organization skills, or lack thereof, is really gonna bite me in the butt soon. i feel that i'm gonna screw myself over more than i ever have in my entire life. workshops are here, testing is here, maharlika practices are coming up, i gotta prepare for worship leading and doing that other thing, its almost finals week, papers are due tomorrow and i'm sitting here blogging.
i took a nap and told myself i'd start hw at 8. woke up at 9, ate dinner, and here i am.
prayer without action is nothing. please, someone, pound that into my head!!
its funny how i know a lot of people right now who aren't 'okay'. sometimes, i'm one of those people. but it seems like everything is fine. damn these masks that we constantly put on. i need to let go.. i'm just not sure of what to let go of. =/
while mall-ing [ha, my terms are so stupid sometimes..], we discussed criterias. [this is mentionable, right? since its not specifics?] anyway, i dont think anyone has noticed how i havent really said anything yet. i've asked everyone for their opinion, but for some reason, i dont want to say mine. why? cuz i dont know what i want. sorry if you dont know what i'm talking about..
its time to end this. i gotta start on my paper/project and do some hw. like seriously..
saturday nights
they're great. praise God for them.. really. praise God for melanie's successful talk, for the adults, for new comers, and the fact that there are people in the world who do matter for one reason or another.
its around 2am right now and i just finished cleaning up the flower-making station, which would be the 'get high' room, which would be the 'gold room' in my home. =) it was fun tonight! a GRIP of people came and i didnt even know that many people would come! [linsday, cheska, austine, ryan, don, gp, roxsan, gene, josh, jackie, justine, rebecca, andrew, antoinette, rose, victor, joel, jonathan.. and i think that's all of 'em.. haha!] it made work a lot easier compared to when there's only 5 people. praise God that it went well and for their availability. =)
making flowers was fun. we got into conversation and i learned a lot of things, like how ryan is 23, and how jackie wants to be a drumer and how joel isnt catholic and how roxanne is the oldest and only girl sibling.. and yeah! i dunno. i was just very 'greety' today. haha. =) this girl named AJ [for Anjelica.. cute name huh?! hehe!] who goes to stephen m. white middle school [ohh yess] is pretty cool, especially cuz she ice skates and said she'll hook me up to get 50% discounts.. haha! =)
high card low card was fun. the first 8 people mentioned in that list up there, along with myself, played til 1am. everyone else pretty much left around midnight. i never realized how great of an ice breaker that game is. haha. and i realized how after like 10 rounds, we skip the cards and just ask questions or have an open discussion. hehe.
so the type of friends i want to go for now days are the quiet type. why? i dunno. i feel like they're more indepth and that they watch the world and formulate theories like me. haha. its a bit of a challenge to get to know them pretty well, but its worth it. the smart, quiet people that always smiles seems to be the ones that are very very sincere with what they say and play important roles in their family. its odd how they're usually either the oldest or the youngest.. sibling. haha.
i went to sam ash musics with gp today. =) i'm soo gonna go there again! i like their electric pianos and they have cheap basses AND drums!! =D i spent about $35 on a cleaner, a capo, and strings. hopefully i got the right type of strings.. ha.
anyway, while waiting for gp to get his bass stringed up, i went to mess around on the piano. i think i'm gonna make up a song. =) i need lyrics.. someone give me a poem.. haha. piano is interesting. i really wish i knew my chords and knew how to play better and stuff. maybe someday, i'll really learn.
God has blessed me with the ability to pick up things, especially music, easier than before. i'm really glad that He has called me to serve him through at least music because i know that i can do it in some way.
praise God for everything. =)
its around 2am right now and i just finished cleaning up the flower-making station, which would be the 'get high' room, which would be the 'gold room' in my home. =) it was fun tonight! a GRIP of people came and i didnt even know that many people would come! [linsday, cheska, austine, ryan, don, gp, roxsan, gene, josh, jackie, justine, rebecca, andrew, antoinette, rose, victor, joel, jonathan.. and i think that's all of 'em.. haha!] it made work a lot easier compared to when there's only 5 people. praise God that it went well and for their availability. =)
making flowers was fun. we got into conversation and i learned a lot of things, like how ryan is 23, and how jackie wants to be a drumer and how joel isnt catholic and how roxanne is the oldest and only girl sibling.. and yeah! i dunno. i was just very 'greety' today. haha. =) this girl named AJ [for Anjelica.. cute name huh?! hehe!] who goes to stephen m. white middle school [ohh yess] is pretty cool, especially cuz she ice skates and said she'll hook me up to get 50% discounts.. haha! =)
high card low card was fun. the first 8 people mentioned in that list up there, along with myself, played til 1am. everyone else pretty much left around midnight. i never realized how great of an ice breaker that game is. haha. and i realized how after like 10 rounds, we skip the cards and just ask questions or have an open discussion. hehe.
so the type of friends i want to go for now days are the quiet type. why? i dunno. i feel like they're more indepth and that they watch the world and formulate theories like me. haha. its a bit of a challenge to get to know them pretty well, but its worth it. the smart, quiet people that always smiles seems to be the ones that are very very sincere with what they say and play important roles in their family. its odd how they're usually either the oldest or the youngest.. sibling. haha.
i went to sam ash musics with gp today. =) i'm soo gonna go there again! i like their electric pianos and they have cheap basses AND drums!! =D i spent about $35 on a cleaner, a capo, and strings. hopefully i got the right type of strings.. ha.
anyway, while waiting for gp to get his bass stringed up, i went to mess around on the piano. i think i'm gonna make up a song. =) i need lyrics.. someone give me a poem.. haha. piano is interesting. i really wish i knew my chords and knew how to play better and stuff. maybe someday, i'll really learn.
God has blessed me with the ability to pick up things, especially music, easier than before. i'm really glad that He has called me to serve him through at least music because i know that i can do it in some way.
praise God for everything. =)
Saturday, May 14, 2005
roses..
..really smell like poo-oo-oo.
kidding! they dont. roses smell good! =)
anyway, i'm making roses/flowers for the homes/nuseries we're going to visit for sunday. we're gonna give it to them as late mother's day gifts. =)
i'm playing bass tomorrow! yess! i'm tired of guitar.. haha. kidding. but i'm still at that stage where i wanna learn more about music. i'm getting better at messing around with piano in the key of D. =) noel was proud of me when i showed him. hahaha. i missed being ONLY an instrumentalist.
i've come to a decision that i wont be worship leading while playing guitar anytime soon because its too much for me to handle. and it will definitely be hard for the weekend andrew argel and i have praise and worship. why? because it'll be a long night!!
k, off i go to make more roses and hopefully i can get some done without being scared! haha. good night and have a safe day tomorrow! =)
hey, if you happen to read this on a saturday morning, wake me up between the hours of 8am-9am so that i can prepare for the people coming to help out with the roses at around 10-11am. =) thanks!! k byee!
kidding! they dont. roses smell good! =)
anyway, i'm making roses/flowers for the homes/nuseries we're going to visit for sunday. we're gonna give it to them as late mother's day gifts. =)
i'm playing bass tomorrow! yess! i'm tired of guitar.. haha. kidding. but i'm still at that stage where i wanna learn more about music. i'm getting better at messing around with piano in the key of D. =) noel was proud of me when i showed him. hahaha. i missed being ONLY an instrumentalist.
i've come to a decision that i wont be worship leading while playing guitar anytime soon because its too much for me to handle. and it will definitely be hard for the weekend andrew argel and i have praise and worship. why? because it'll be a long night!!
k, off i go to make more roses and hopefully i can get some done without being scared! haha. good night and have a safe day tomorrow! =)
hey, if you happen to read this on a saturday morning, wake me up between the hours of 8am-9am so that i can prepare for the people coming to help out with the roses at around 10-11am. =) thanks!! k byee!
Thursday, May 12, 2005
kareoke
i've been in the mood to sing kareoke for weeks. i dont know why. haha.
i'm actually home at this hour watching the oc. its great.
not much to blog about tonight. no real thoughts... good bye.
ONE HOUR LATER...
thinking about things and realized i dont think i'm ready. i took on/am taking on too much again.
trying not to worry about the future makes me worry even more. i hate it.
i talked to kuya JR, or Romeo, today. it was nice to laugh with him again. i like his car. =)
i'm actually home at this hour watching the oc. its great.
not much to blog about tonight. no real thoughts... good bye.
ONE HOUR LATER...
thinking about things and realized i dont think i'm ready. i took on/am taking on too much again.
trying not to worry about the future makes me worry even more. i hate it.
i talked to kuya JR, or Romeo, today. it was nice to laugh with him again. i like his car. =)
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
CONFIRMED!!
uhhhh son!! [<-- jon's been rubbing off.. ha!]
may 11, 2005: Ronneza N. Penalba has been fully initiated into the Catholic Church! =D picutures are soon to come. hehe!
man i'm just so happy and hyper right now!
so anyway, my [now] ninong Eric and i took pictures in front of the cross right after we got out of our seats. then my ninong goes "take your time [Neiron].." and he said it cuz he knew Bishop Solis was coming back. =D and he did and my ninong and i got first dibs on taking picutres with Bishop Oscar Solis!! =D
so my ninong and my tita had a baby 7 weeks ago. she's soo cute! =D picutres will come!! promise!
i have crism oil, make up, and facial oil all up on me. haha. gotta go wash my face!! but, but, but.. i dont wanna! haha. i'll do it later! k byee!
may 11, 2005: Ronneza N. Penalba has been fully initiated into the Catholic Church! =D picutures are soon to come. hehe!
man i'm just so happy and hyper right now!
so anyway, my [now] ninong Eric and i took pictures in front of the cross right after we got out of our seats. then my ninong goes "take your time [Neiron].." and he said it cuz he knew Bishop Solis was coming back. =D and he did and my ninong and i got first dibs on taking picutres with Bishop Oscar Solis!! =D
so my ninong and my tita had a baby 7 weeks ago. she's soo cute! =D picutres will come!! promise!
i have crism oil, make up, and facial oil all up on me. haha. gotta go wash my face!! but, but, but.. i dont wanna! haha. i'll do it later! k byee!
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
continued entry
yepp.. this is a continuation of the previous entry since it got deleted..
NOTE: the following is not meant for anyone in particular. promise!! =)
so i was inturrped during my entry this morning while i was typing up stuff. two black guys wanted to eff each other up and it was quite rediculous cuz it started due to paper throwing. lesson learned: dont throw paper at a black guy--i mean at anyone!! =P
i was surfing the net during second instead of painting. sadly, myspace has been blocked off the school network so my only resort was to read blogs. in doing so, i came up with a theory: hopeless romantics are always worried about their love lives even tho there's no reason to be.
blessed singleness isnt that bad, right? sure it might get a little lonely, but we're all still young and have our whole lives ahead of us. who knows if you really are destined to be alone? no one except God, right? so just let go of it all and let God do all the work.
as a hopeless romantic myself, i know from first hand experience how hard it is to let things go. especially with television shows effecting our every decision. society is highly influenced by what goes on during teen primetime shows like one tree hill or the oc depicting stories involving love and sex.. blechh..
man! this stuff was good this morning.. i guess i forgot it all. but it was A LOT better this morning. anyway, off i go. byee!
weee. i'm excited. =) thanks to ate rose for taking me to confession! weee. confirmation! =) tomorrow at 7pm, but be there like 5:50 for seats! haha. k byee!
NOTE: the following is not meant for anyone in particular. promise!! =)
so i was inturrped during my entry this morning while i was typing up stuff. two black guys wanted to eff each other up and it was quite rediculous cuz it started due to paper throwing. lesson learned: dont throw paper at a black guy--i mean at anyone!! =P
i was surfing the net during second instead of painting. sadly, myspace has been blocked off the school network so my only resort was to read blogs. in doing so, i came up with a theory: hopeless romantics are always worried about their love lives even tho there's no reason to be.
blessed singleness isnt that bad, right? sure it might get a little lonely, but we're all still young and have our whole lives ahead of us. who knows if you really are destined to be alone? no one except God, right? so just let go of it all and let God do all the work.
as a hopeless romantic myself, i know from first hand experience how hard it is to let things go. especially with television shows effecting our every decision. society is highly influenced by what goes on during teen primetime shows like one tree hill or the oc depicting stories involving love and sex.. blechh..
man! this stuff was good this morning.. i guess i forgot it all. but it was A LOT better this morning. anyway, off i go. byee!
weee. i'm excited. =) thanks to ate rose for taking me to confession! weee. confirmation! =) tomorrow at 7pm, but be there like 5:50 for seats! haha. k byee!
Monday, May 09, 2005
i am..
..blessed to have such a cool, young, new father, bass-playing, Catholic, tito to be my confirmation sponsor. my tito Eric is awesome! =D i openly volunteered to babysit my cousin for him too.. she's just cute!!
..someone in need of confession.. STILL!
..someone who acts weird. i dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. maybe both? and by weird, i mean.. two faced. i act different when i'm with people. i'm more cheerful, talkative, open.. but when i'm talking to them online, its a little different. its like i'm a totally different person on screen. ehh..
..a slacker. i gotta get my grades going and stop being lazy. my parents are really pounding into my head that i only have one month of school.. never really thought about it til today. it was written in my chemistry class: "25 school days left!"
..mean. i dont know what happened last night. i just blew up on people. i'm sorry.. i couldnt hold back any longer which is scary.. cuz its only been a week since my last 'breakdown'/'rage session'... whatever you wanna call it.
..missing my cousins. i wanna go back to when i was a kid and all of us would hang and swim in the public pools.. haha! and i miss my cousins from fresno. i havent seen them in forever!!
..fat. its almost summer time and that means its beach time and that means bathing suit time. thats not cool if you have a gut. haha. time to start working out! yeahh... riight.. like i'll really start? i've been saying that forever!! haha. oh well..
..bored. talk to me. =)
..someone in need of confession.. STILL!
..someone who acts weird. i dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. maybe both? and by weird, i mean.. two faced. i act different when i'm with people. i'm more cheerful, talkative, open.. but when i'm talking to them online, its a little different. its like i'm a totally different person on screen. ehh..
..a slacker. i gotta get my grades going and stop being lazy. my parents are really pounding into my head that i only have one month of school.. never really thought about it til today. it was written in my chemistry class: "25 school days left!"
..mean. i dont know what happened last night. i just blew up on people. i'm sorry.. i couldnt hold back any longer which is scary.. cuz its only been a week since my last 'breakdown'/'rage session'... whatever you wanna call it.
..missing my cousins. i wanna go back to when i was a kid and all of us would hang and swim in the public pools.. haha! and i miss my cousins from fresno. i havent seen them in forever!!
..fat. its almost summer time and that means its beach time and that means bathing suit time. thats not cool if you have a gut. haha. time to start working out! yeahh... riight.. like i'll really start? i've been saying that forever!! haha. oh well..
..bored. talk to me. =)
off centered
my life isnt centered on Christ. thats whack.
my priorities are off too. maybe that's why Christ isnt in the middle of everything.
its rainy season again. i think you can tell my mood through the weather.. haha.
i'm gonna mess up my computer soon. i leave it on too long. there's all these adds poping up. i wanna do that thing where it deletes everything.. whatever its called.. but then i dont wanna delete everything because i'd have to reinstall a bunch of crap again.
i should go eat breakfast or something. byee.
my priorities are off too. maybe that's why Christ isnt in the middle of everything.
its rainy season again. i think you can tell my mood through the weather.. haha.
i'm gonna mess up my computer soon. i leave it on too long. there's all these adds poping up. i wanna do that thing where it deletes everything.. whatever its called.. but then i dont wanna delete everything because i'd have to reinstall a bunch of crap again.
i should go eat breakfast or something. byee.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
something happened
i just noticed that when something 'big' happens, i tend to post a lot of entries, yet i never talk about that 'big' thing. haha. well, maybe it wasnt 'big'.. i think i just overanalyze what was there and make it into something big. haha.. i'm stupid.
my alarm didnt go off. =/ either that or it did go off and i turned it off while half asleep. i didnt get to make my mom breakfast. =/
i'll post more later.. its time for lunch? haha. how late.
my alarm didnt go off. =/ either that or it did go off and i turned it off while half asleep. i didnt get to make my mom breakfast. =/
i'll post more later.. its time for lunch? haha. how late.
dating
happy mother's day!! =)
no, i'm not dating anyone.. =P at least i dont think so. haha. and i dont think i've ever been on a date with the oppostie sex. i've also never been a date to a dance, banquet, etc. to the opposite sex.
so how do you know if you're dating or not? or how do you know if you're on a date or not?
raymond, geeps, andrew baladad, linsday, austine, gene and don were at my house and relationships/dating was a topic constantly brought up.
it was an intersting night, especially since i heard a lot of a guy's perspective on dating and what really is considered as a date.
so from tonight, i got this on what a date is; the three main criterias of a date:
- its a date if a guy invites you to a date.
- a date is all planned out, unlike 'hanging out' when things are spontaneous.
- every moment on a date is planned out in the guy's mind.
all you fellahs out there, holler at me and let me know if i'm right. haha.
anyway, shopping with mom was fun. i got an "i <33 mom" squishy pillow from ahhs! to put in my mom's car, i got a jacket and a pair of pants from forever21, i got a cool and bright jacket from.. i forgot, i got a pair of slippers from american eagle, and i was suppose to buy sunglasses at aeropostle but i didnt.. all cuz i was suppose to be shopping for a dress/dresses. i wanted to buy these dresses at windsor [i swear!! that's my 'girly store'!! haha!] but then my mom didnt like how 'plunging' the neckline was or how high it was or how it was spaghetti-strapped or how the design was ugly or how the color wasnt right.. moms are funny! =)
k thats all. good morrow, world!
no, i'm not dating anyone.. =P at least i dont think so. haha. and i dont think i've ever been on a date with the oppostie sex. i've also never been a date to a dance, banquet, etc. to the opposite sex.
so how do you know if you're dating or not? or how do you know if you're on a date or not?
raymond, geeps, andrew baladad, linsday, austine, gene and don were at my house and relationships/dating was a topic constantly brought up.
it was an intersting night, especially since i heard a lot of a guy's perspective on dating and what really is considered as a date.
so from tonight, i got this on what a date is; the three main criterias of a date:
- its a date if a guy invites you to a date.
- a date is all planned out, unlike 'hanging out' when things are spontaneous.
- every moment on a date is planned out in the guy's mind.
all you fellahs out there, holler at me and let me know if i'm right. haha.
anyway, shopping with mom was fun. i got an "i <33 mom" squishy pillow from ahhs! to put in my mom's car, i got a jacket and a pair of pants from forever21, i got a cool and bright jacket from.. i forgot, i got a pair of slippers from american eagle, and i was suppose to buy sunglasses at aeropostle but i didnt.. all cuz i was suppose to be shopping for a dress/dresses. i wanted to buy these dresses at windsor [i swear!! that's my 'girly store'!! haha!] but then my mom didnt like how 'plunging' the neckline was or how high it was or how it was spaghetti-strapped or how the design was ugly or how the color wasnt right.. moms are funny! =)
k thats all. good morrow, world!
Saturday, May 07, 2005
music
life is like music.
when two notes stand alone, they might not sound right together. take a step back and look at the music sheet, you'll see hundreds of notes alongside those two incompatible notes. only then will you realize how those two incompatible notes contribute so much to a wonderful masterpiece. just like how two incompatible people exist and deeply trouble each other, they are important and contribute so much to the body of Christ.
love is like music.
as music is a universal language, love is a universal feeling. if you stand in china and play a C, they'll know its a C. just like how if you stand in china and say the words 'i love you', they'll know what you mean. on a music sheet, notes go up and down and up again, just like how love is in life. when you love someone, your relationship with that person will have ups and will have downs.
music is my life.
"if he payed for you, then you guys sat next to each other during the movie, and you guys rode home together, then its a date!" says Lindsay to Cj and Matt, since matt payed for Cj's ticke and stuff.. is it really tho?
i felt like an insane flirt yesterday.. horrible.. just horrible.. ha.
+EDIT+
the house of wax has hott/cute people in it, but its very gruesome. would i suggest that one watch it? sure. just wait until it comes out on video or dvd tho. haha. =)
when two notes stand alone, they might not sound right together. take a step back and look at the music sheet, you'll see hundreds of notes alongside those two incompatible notes. only then will you realize how those two incompatible notes contribute so much to a wonderful masterpiece. just like how two incompatible people exist and deeply trouble each other, they are important and contribute so much to the body of Christ.
love is like music.
as music is a universal language, love is a universal feeling. if you stand in china and play a C, they'll know its a C. just like how if you stand in china and say the words 'i love you', they'll know what you mean. on a music sheet, notes go up and down and up again, just like how love is in life. when you love someone, your relationship with that person will have ups and will have downs.
music is my life.
"if he payed for you, then you guys sat next to each other during the movie, and you guys rode home together, then its a date!" says Lindsay to Cj and Matt, since matt payed for Cj's ticke and stuff.. is it really tho?
i felt like an insane flirt yesterday.. horrible.. just horrible.. ha.
+EDIT+
the house of wax has hott/cute people in it, but its very gruesome. would i suggest that one watch it? sure. just wait until it comes out on video or dvd tho. haha. =)
Friday, May 06, 2005
tears
don't worry.. i'm not crying.. well, not yet anyway..
relationships are what make my cry the most. not bf/gf type of thing, but relationships in general. no matter if it be a relationship with my siblings, my parents, my friends, or God, i'll cry my heart out given the circumstances.
there's no specific relationship to cry about. although my relationships with people [most especially the one i have with God] could be better, i'd say my relationships with everyone is pretty decent.. so what to cry about? every relationship i have.
sure they're decent, but time consuming. its hard to balance out things; friends, family, God, and responsibilities..
blessings. its what they are. i appreciate them oh-so-very much and i praise God for allowing me to meet and have such wonderful people in my life. but of course, as a human, its easy for one to appreciate a blessing more than another. get me? so its hard for me to appreciate my parents when i'm with my friends, and vice versa.
its why i'm in such a mess. i've been restricted from going out on friday nights.. especially to music ministry practices. ha. i tried to negotiate without saying much except that i needed to worship lead. i'm not so sure if it worked out, but with God's grace, i know something good will come out of this.
but really tho, am i really the rebellious child? i've never ran away [except to another part of the house]. i've never smoked and i've never done drugs. i've never yelled back at my parents. i've never sneaked someone over. i've never done so many things. yes, i've drank, but most of the time, it was with their knowledge and it wasnt even a lot. i've lied. i've stayed out later than i should.. so why only hold me against the fact that i stay out late?
i'm a girl. i'm only 16--oh wait, 15.. i dont drive. i'm partially 'blind'. yes, i know all that. but i still try to come home early. no later than midnight. the last time i came home past midnight or at midnight was marcelle's bday party last month. the last time before that.. probably during the LF Christmas party. last year, i'd stay out til 2am!!
i know its not the same as before and i know that this entry has just been filled with complaints.. but i'd rather do this here than with my parents, ya know?
blah. i'm tired. i had a good afternoon. thanks, everyone. =) and if you're one of the people i was with and you read this, dont think its your fault that i'm 'in trouble' cuz its not. DONT EVER THINK THAT!! good night, world.
relationships are what make my cry the most. not bf/gf type of thing, but relationships in general. no matter if it be a relationship with my siblings, my parents, my friends, or God, i'll cry my heart out given the circumstances.
there's no specific relationship to cry about. although my relationships with people [most especially the one i have with God] could be better, i'd say my relationships with everyone is pretty decent.. so what to cry about? every relationship i have.
sure they're decent, but time consuming. its hard to balance out things; friends, family, God, and responsibilities..
blessings. its what they are. i appreciate them oh-so-very much and i praise God for allowing me to meet and have such wonderful people in my life. but of course, as a human, its easy for one to appreciate a blessing more than another. get me? so its hard for me to appreciate my parents when i'm with my friends, and vice versa.
its why i'm in such a mess. i've been restricted from going out on friday nights.. especially to music ministry practices. ha. i tried to negotiate without saying much except that i needed to worship lead. i'm not so sure if it worked out, but with God's grace, i know something good will come out of this.
but really tho, am i really the rebellious child? i've never ran away [except to another part of the house]. i've never smoked and i've never done drugs. i've never yelled back at my parents. i've never sneaked someone over. i've never done so many things. yes, i've drank, but most of the time, it was with their knowledge and it wasnt even a lot. i've lied. i've stayed out later than i should.. so why only hold me against the fact that i stay out late?
i'm a girl. i'm only 16--oh wait, 15.. i dont drive. i'm partially 'blind'. yes, i know all that. but i still try to come home early. no later than midnight. the last time i came home past midnight or at midnight was marcelle's bday party last month. the last time before that.. probably during the LF Christmas party. last year, i'd stay out til 2am!!
i know its not the same as before and i know that this entry has just been filled with complaints.. but i'd rather do this here than with my parents, ya know?
blah. i'm tired. i had a good afternoon. thanks, everyone. =) and if you're one of the people i was with and you read this, dont think its your fault that i'm 'in trouble' cuz its not. DONT EVER THINK THAT!! good night, world.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
school?
Unfortunately, the word on the street (which has been confirmed by a probation officer) is that the rollin 60's stole 160 kilo's of cocaine from the Mexican Mafia. In retaliation, the Mexican Mafia and other Mexican gangs have decided to target and kill 400-1000 black men of all ages who are wearing white t-shirts. This is not limited to the freeways?.. I understand that this is very real and very serious. Please pass this on to EVERYONE that you know. I suggest you do not wear any white shirts.
tomorrow, or rather today, people arent going to school because of this. some are taking AP tests so they wont be showing up. others are just ditching and using that as an excuse to not come. as for me, i'm still up contemplating on what i should do. if i stay home, then nothing happens. i can go to school and just ditch from there, but where would i go? and plus i have a spanish test. ehh. i should sleep. byee.
tomorrow, or rather today, people arent going to school because of this. some are taking AP tests so they wont be showing up. others are just ditching and using that as an excuse to not come. as for me, i'm still up contemplating on what i should do. if i stay home, then nothing happens. i can go to school and just ditch from there, but where would i go? and plus i have a spanish test. ehh. i should sleep. byee.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
trashed
you got everything planned out; you had your resources, your ideas, support.. you had it going good. then you come to find out that all the work and energy you put into this simple little thing has come down to nothing and was meant to be trashed.. thrown out.. as if it never even existed.
if it be the will of God, then so be it.
trying my best to mean that in the most sincere way, trying my best to let go and let God, trying my best to calm the anxiety in me.. i sit here wondering what is the will of God. what is it that He wants me to do right here, right now? pray? work on talks? do homework?
in all honesty, i felt like i had it under control. i felt like i had the power. i felt like it was my job to do this and it felt like i was on my way to success. i felt good.
i felt good until my eyes were opened.. until i saw myself no longer standing in the shadows, but now into the light. never have i realized how much pride i have within me, how much jealousy easily takes control over me, how much anger i can unleash to an innocent soul.
they say its good to see the light, that you should follow it. its good if you want to reach salvation, but its a hard thing to reach that light. like father raymond said, the closer you get to the light, the easier it is for you to see how dirty you really are.
My Lord, my most loving, merciful, God, thank you for allowing me to see the dirt that i've thrown upon myself. Thank you for opening my spiritual eyes and my heart and allowing me to see how much of you i've been missing out on for so long.
Please, keep me in this state with my eyes wide open so that i may be able to do things for your glorification and not my own. Please help me to understand that each and everything i do can and should be a prayer to you. Please allow me to put all my trust in you so that your words may be spoken through me, so that your message will be given out, so that your love will be spread.
Mother Mary, you've prayed over and over for my sinning soul. You've been there during the many times when I've failed both you and your Son, yet neither of you left my side. You continue to interceed for me and you continue to help me grow closer to our God. I honor you and your most immaculate heart.
if it be the will of God, then so be it.
trying my best to mean that in the most sincere way, trying my best to let go and let God, trying my best to calm the anxiety in me.. i sit here wondering what is the will of God. what is it that He wants me to do right here, right now? pray? work on talks? do homework?
in all honesty, i felt like i had it under control. i felt like i had the power. i felt like it was my job to do this and it felt like i was on my way to success. i felt good.
i felt good until my eyes were opened.. until i saw myself no longer standing in the shadows, but now into the light. never have i realized how much pride i have within me, how much jealousy easily takes control over me, how much anger i can unleash to an innocent soul.
they say its good to see the light, that you should follow it. its good if you want to reach salvation, but its a hard thing to reach that light. like father raymond said, the closer you get to the light, the easier it is for you to see how dirty you really are.
My Lord, my most loving, merciful, God, thank you for allowing me to see the dirt that i've thrown upon myself. Thank you for opening my spiritual eyes and my heart and allowing me to see how much of you i've been missing out on for so long.
Please, keep me in this state with my eyes wide open so that i may be able to do things for your glorification and not my own. Please help me to understand that each and everything i do can and should be a prayer to you. Please allow me to put all my trust in you so that your words may be spoken through me, so that your message will be given out, so that your love will be spread.
Mother Mary, you've prayed over and over for my sinning soul. You've been there during the many times when I've failed both you and your Son, yet neither of you left my side. You continue to interceed for me and you continue to help me grow closer to our God. I honor you and your most immaculate heart.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
2nd period.. again!
not doing much.. again. haha. thought i'd blog cuz i have way too many things running past me.
i realized that i really should make more of an effort to get up in the morning. haha. i forgot my book that i was suppose to turn in to my english teacher and i forgot my watch. i feel soo.. empty. haha.
someone told me yesterday that carson high is having a lot of reconstruction going on because they're rerouting the pipes. its been said that the water students have been drinking at the water fountains is 'toilet water'. its really sickening to think about it--especially because i drank some of that water when i used to take PE. =/
i really dislike the iMACS in school. i'm using one right now and the pixilation is gay. i like using my teacher's laptop more, but since this one is working again, i'll leave him alone with his laptop. haha. but his apple notebook is pretty cool.. i actually wouldnt mind if i got one myself. small, but efficient.
and the school has these cool epson projectors that didnt cost too much. they're easy to set up and they're compatible with pretty much everything so i really wanna get one now, even tho i probably wont have any use for it.
o0oh, he's using the projector to show animusic. its pretty damn cool! ttyl!
i realized that i really should make more of an effort to get up in the morning. haha. i forgot my book that i was suppose to turn in to my english teacher and i forgot my watch. i feel soo.. empty. haha.
someone told me yesterday that carson high is having a lot of reconstruction going on because they're rerouting the pipes. its been said that the water students have been drinking at the water fountains is 'toilet water'. its really sickening to think about it--especially because i drank some of that water when i used to take PE. =/
i really dislike the iMACS in school. i'm using one right now and the pixilation is gay. i like using my teacher's laptop more, but since this one is working again, i'll leave him alone with his laptop. haha. but his apple notebook is pretty cool.. i actually wouldnt mind if i got one myself. small, but efficient.
and the school has these cool epson projectors that didnt cost too much. they're easy to set up and they're compatible with pretty much everything so i really wanna get one now, even tho i probably wont have any use for it.
o0oh, he's using the projector to show animusic. its pretty damn cool! ttyl!
Monday, May 02, 2005
i take it back
All of the things that I want to say
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
"you and me" by lifehouse
it took me weeks to figure out what to say because i've felt this way for a few weeks now. when the time came, when it felt okay, i let the words flow, but i never really let it all flow. i tried to, but for some reason, it didnt seem right anymore. as of now, i regret ever letting the words come out from me because i feel like i want to take it back.. usher helped me realize things with his song, "U got it bad".
the problem is that i think too much. i think wayy too much with my head and not enough with my heart. i need to balance it out, but i dont know how. its a really complicated thing.. i want to be able to 'just do it', to just wing it and just be carefree. actually, i am able to 'just do it', but not when i need to. i'm blunt when its not necessary and i'm subtle when i dont need to be.
i want to know the answer you have for the question that i dont even know. its been bugging me and i cant stop thinking about it. i think i've bugged you enough tho.. anyway, thanks for everything, but i dont think i'm in a rush. i hope i'm not. i feel like i am taking my time and i'm trying to be patient with whatever there is to be patient about. i know that there's no need to hurry when i'm making up my mind, but i really dont think its a decision of the mind. its just that with this being so.. foreign.. to me, i'm at a loss for words and i dont know what to do or how to act. i'm being too blunt again.. sorry.
k change of subject!
the closness is really great to have. haha. =) cheska, nette, and linsday are great gals. haha. oh, and andrew's a good guy too.. haha. linsday is the only person i can physically fight/wrestle with while knowing we're not trying to hurt each other intentionally, but only for good fun. haha. nette comes second and cheska comes first when its verbally? haha.
hey, cheska, christy and jon.. thanks for the comments. appreciated it! =D
k i gotta go check if i have hw and then actually do it.. haha. byee
Just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words, you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
"you and me" by lifehouse
it took me weeks to figure out what to say because i've felt this way for a few weeks now. when the time came, when it felt okay, i let the words flow, but i never really let it all flow. i tried to, but for some reason, it didnt seem right anymore. as of now, i regret ever letting the words come out from me because i feel like i want to take it back.. usher helped me realize things with his song, "U got it bad".
the problem is that i think too much. i think wayy too much with my head and not enough with my heart. i need to balance it out, but i dont know how. its a really complicated thing.. i want to be able to 'just do it', to just wing it and just be carefree. actually, i am able to 'just do it', but not when i need to. i'm blunt when its not necessary and i'm subtle when i dont need to be.
i want to know the answer you have for the question that i dont even know. its been bugging me and i cant stop thinking about it. i think i've bugged you enough tho.. anyway, thanks for everything, but i dont think i'm in a rush. i hope i'm not. i feel like i am taking my time and i'm trying to be patient with whatever there is to be patient about. i know that there's no need to hurry when i'm making up my mind, but i really dont think its a decision of the mind. its just that with this being so.. foreign.. to me, i'm at a loss for words and i dont know what to do or how to act. i'm being too blunt again.. sorry.
k change of subject!
the closness is really great to have. haha. =) cheska, nette, and linsday are great gals. haha. oh, and andrew's a good guy too.. haha. linsday is the only person i can physically fight/wrestle with while knowing we're not trying to hurt each other intentionally, but only for good fun. haha. nette comes second and cheska comes first when its verbally? haha.
hey, cheska, christy and jon.. thanks for the comments. appreciated it! =D
k i gotta go check if i have hw and then actually do it.. haha. byee
Sunday, May 01, 2005
post!!
alright kiddos.. answer this for me:
are guys able to talk on the phone for long hours with a person of the opposite sex without being 'interested' in the girl [or vice versa]?
comment about it. post an entry if its that long of an answer. just tell me if you post cuz i need to know. haha.
are guys able to talk on the phone for long hours with a person of the opposite sex without being 'interested' in the girl [or vice versa]?
comment about it. post an entry if its that long of an answer. just tell me if you post cuz i need to know. haha.
new
its a new month.. its a new week.. it was a new day.. everything is new again.
its hard for me to accept the fact that i'm getting older. why? because i know that the older i get, the more changes i'll have to go through, the more pain and suffering i have to endure. but at the same time, i know that with the pain and with the suffering comes the joy and happiness
and the love you feel which occurs afterwards. "man's greatest vocation is to love and to suffer."
in an attempt to change things up in my life, i've been taking on a lot of responsibilty--none of which i doubt i'm ready for, but i gotta face it sooner or later.. but the sooner the better, right?
so anyway.. i 'man-ed up' and patched up a few things with my mom. [i got into a little argument that turned out to be bigger than i thought..] today, i tried teaching my brother how to play guitar. i cooked lunch/dinner for my dad today and even discussed shopping with my mom. i'm trying to teach myself piano with chords and i never realized how much i suck. haha.
outside of my home, i've become a lot closer to a lot of people in LF. it feels great to bond with so many people. sure, the situations arent so much on the good side, but i'm very greatful that these situations are bringing us closer as a family of Christ. boys are complicated; prom is hectic; ministries keep you busy; but the most important thing that i have been reminded of this weekend is that a community will always have your back, they'll be there to catch you if you fall, to help you heal your wounds, and to listen when you have something to say. =) praise God! i love you, LFers!! =)
watching moulin rouge at the evangelista's during the greeter's ministry meeting brought back a lot of memories. watching it today adds on to the many memories i have attatched to that movie. makes me love it even more.
the team meeting did too. i missed last year's meetings.. haha. its odd to say, but i'm kinda feeling excited for the LSS! =)
this weekend was very shaky from the start, but the ending was great. Thank you Lord!! =D
its hard for me to accept the fact that i'm getting older. why? because i know that the older i get, the more changes i'll have to go through, the more pain and suffering i have to endure. but at the same time, i know that with the pain and with the suffering comes the joy and happiness
and the love you feel which occurs afterwards. "man's greatest vocation is to love and to suffer."
in an attempt to change things up in my life, i've been taking on a lot of responsibilty--none of which i doubt i'm ready for, but i gotta face it sooner or later.. but the sooner the better, right?
so anyway.. i 'man-ed up' and patched up a few things with my mom. [i got into a little argument that turned out to be bigger than i thought..] today, i tried teaching my brother how to play guitar. i cooked lunch/dinner for my dad today and even discussed shopping with my mom. i'm trying to teach myself piano with chords and i never realized how much i suck. haha.
outside of my home, i've become a lot closer to a lot of people in LF. it feels great to bond with so many people. sure, the situations arent so much on the good side, but i'm very greatful that these situations are bringing us closer as a family of Christ. boys are complicated; prom is hectic; ministries keep you busy; but the most important thing that i have been reminded of this weekend is that a community will always have your back, they'll be there to catch you if you fall, to help you heal your wounds, and to listen when you have something to say. =) praise God! i love you, LFers!! =)
watching moulin rouge at the evangelista's during the greeter's ministry meeting brought back a lot of memories. watching it today adds on to the many memories i have attatched to that movie. makes me love it even more.
the team meeting did too. i missed last year's meetings.. haha. its odd to say, but i'm kinda feeling excited for the LSS! =)
this weekend was very shaky from the start, but the ending was great. Thank you Lord!! =D
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