multiply

I moved.

Goodbye, blogger!

(Same URL; just replace "blogger" with "multiply")

So much for summer planning...

What ever happened to Mafia Mondays? Wii Wednesdays? Brunch at Aressa's? Swimming at Cheri's? Baking with Jinger?

It's THAT feeling again. In choosing to be a decent daughter and due to the fact that my stomach has been so vulnerable, I decided to take it chill for a few days. Haven't gone out since Saturday, and even though I did not drive (meaning I didn't have to be home by 11), I was home by 11. Aside from work, the only time I went out was last week to go to the beach. Not once have I seen friends from school since grad parties. How sad is that?

I'm leaving in a week. I have to pack, finish and distribute debut invitations and completely heal before July 11th. I understand it's a lot to do. But I NEED to chill. IT'S THE LAST SUMMER I HAVE AS A TEENAGER, for crying out loud!

Gah. Thursday, please be good to me.

"Once you stop looking, it'll come around..."

After seeing it once, you'll keep staring and scare it away so that you'll never see it again. In turn, you will once again be led on a search. In due time, you give up and realize there's no use in holding on to hope. You've failed. You fall. You lay around for a while. Then, something you've never noticed, something you looked over, something you never thought could happen sweeps you off your feet. And this once instance of revival pushes you down the endless and repetitive road you always seem to travel on.

It's sad, isn't it?

Rant

At work with no one else but Ms. Betty. Talking about her kids and her house and me and my parents and my vacation. Geesh. I'm really going to miss her when I leave. Haha. I think I'll get her a purse or something from the Philippines... =)

My stomach is killing. It's been getting at me since Thursday night/Friday morning. Random, sharp pains on the side, trouble breathing, crapping out water... NOW It's getting harder to swallow and I'm coughing. I don't think its my stomach anymore but my immune system sucks ass! I just wish I'm not sick when I go on vacation...

Speaking of which, I have a lot of serious business to take care of. Lots of debut stuff to handle, wedding stuff, baptism stuff, and fun stuff! =) Sometimes it doesn't even seem like a vacation, but I know I'll have fun regardless because of the people I'll be with! (No, not just my sister and my brother--my WHOLE family whom I haven't seen in 10 years!)

Oh, and yes, I will be having a debut...

So! What's going on!

Wow, dude...

I went over text messages. Haha. Who would have thought it would happen... I certainly wouldn't have thought so!

She's right. Gahhh. I hate that I can't be honest...

Weee for summer! =)

"Lost and Found" by DMADL

You start by moving,
as you walk, run, or sprint
to where you wish to go
Then you realize that you are
Lost
In a small world you have explored everyday,
You are
Lost
In a place you could tread with your eyes closed,
You are
Lost
You stop
For a short gasp of breath
You look
for familiar faces with smiles
You listen
For chuckles, wheezes, whispers, gossip, yells, and groans
You feel
For the warmth of love and embrace of company from friends
Only to find
Coldness
Anonymity
Indifference
Monotony
Emptiness

Then, you move on

Walking, striding, running, sprinting,
Like a ray of light that pierces a cut diamond
You find yourself hitherto, thitherto,
You rush to classrooms and gardens
In search of warm company
And as you do find these circles
That are not of your own
You feel repulsion
Stain
Defiance
Territory
Rejection
You stop
from bursting a living bubble
You listen
for a familiar tune that calls you to it
You feel
a chilling breeze that whisks you away

Then, you move on.

You stop and feast your eyes on a fresh ensaymada
You take a few pesos out of your malnourished wallent
Take a bite out of your newly purchased merienda
Then realize you are not even hungry
You think twice, one thought for the street child, another for the green trash bin beside you
Goodbye, ensaymada.

Then, you move on.

Walking, striding, running, sprinting,
Sprinting, running, striding, walking
Your body runs as your mind walks
Your mind runs as your body walks
You dart into your own world
Walking aimlessy under the shy sun

Then, a familiar sound.

Fifteen times, the sweet bell resounds
You stop
To repaint the blurry image in your mind--a room of chalk and cheers and chicks
You look
Toward the rocky walkway, slowly being filled with faces floating dreamily
You listen
For the last notes of the anticipated signal
You feel
The growing rush of excitement and candor and joy

The signal stops.

Then, you move on
Walking, striding, running, sprinting,
Toward the bright world you call your own.

"Your imperfections make you perfect..."

THOSE are the magic words. =)

Thank you for remembering, Angela...

I'm at work but nothing's really going on. I brought my yearbook along and all the entries are punching me in the face; high school is really over... I'm still amazed.

Mwahah!

Down the street, around the corner, under the lamppost, in the rain.

One day...

I'm in that girly mood. Oh no... Haha!
WARNING: do not provoke me, do not stop me. Just let me be. =)

Weekends

Weekends are the best. Spending time with family is just amazing. I need more weekends like the last--it might actually be nicer if there wasn't any drama. Hah!

Thursday night spent finishing a few finals after wasting an hour of my life arguing with a former friend. REAL NICE.

Friday: went to school in the morning to get people to sign yearbooks and hang around pointlessly. Got picked up by Ash and walked out of school during the beginning of 4th period like I was some kind of employee.. haha! Stopped by Babies R Us and the gas station, headed over to Koletty's to set up for the peer party--boy, was that fun! Played with the dogs, signed yearbooks, got fat, talked, laughed, jammed, took pictures and all that stuff until 5pm. Rode with Lani and Cheri back to Carson. Showered, dressed, make-up and picked up to go to Nessa's Debut. Ate dinner and enjoyed the program. Went to Guppy's around 11ish, hung around with the court and stuff 'till 1:30ish, got home like 1ish--all thanks to Tobhen! =)

Saturday: Wrapped lumpia, chilled, then prayer meeting. =D

Sunday: wash the car and cleaned the bathroom (particularly the shower). Went to 12:45pm mass. Home Depot to pick up a Father's Day gift for my Daddy. Stopped by home. Went out to eat a late lunch and chilled at my uncle's house until 4:30ish. Got picked up by a few cousins and went to Riverside to watch the graduation ceremony which ended around 8:30ish? Waited for the reservations at the amazing restaurant for about an hour. Ate a late dinner 10. Loitered in the parking lot for another good half hour and played with the kids--damn they're cute! Haha. Chilled at the graduate's house in Riverside until about 1am? Got home around 2am.

Today: Slept in--FINALLY! Stayed home--FINALLY! Bummed out until work at 4. Went to work, did a few paper work and ended up umpiring for the Sandlot/T-ball games. Deng, those kids are funny... =)

Currently: I am still at work. A little cold because the air is running and a little dirty from all the games earlier. Just a tad bit tired and ready to just go home and do those darn yearbook dedication pages--FINALLY. Hahah.

Tomorrow: School in the morning; chill until I have to help distribute the cap and gowns around 11am with the counselors. Chill. Work at 5. =)

Everything seems to be like a long dream...
I hate it, but I love it at the same time.

Sir...

...you are on the other side of the world, 15-16 hours away... but I still believe we'll meet, even if it a few years down the road. =)

...you are hot! I smile about getting a hug from you once. Imagine how happy I am to have gotten 3. Mwahahah!

...you are an unbelievably patient, but also quite annoying guy.

...you are such a baby! =P but you're cute. hahaha.

Animosity

It's fuckin' everywhere.
I see it in everyone &
I see it in everything.
Like there's no tomorrow,
People should apologize
For the wrong things they've done
And realize
That that life is a game
Which can never be won
Unless you are at peace
With the world,
With your friends and family,
And most importantly,
With yourself.
So screw it.
Forget the animosity.
Forget the tension.
Stop hating on people without reason.
Stop dissing the people who are different from you
Because in the long run
We're all daughters and sons
Of the one and only
Father
Who loved us with His all.

All Good Things...

Flames to dust,
Lovers to friends,
Why do all good things
Come to an end?

There's something about the end of the school year, especially this year that makes me miss it.

I feel so worthless right now. Useless. Purposeless. Insignificant.

But all at the same time, I'm... okay. I feel loved.

Eh. Its what I get for being a floater...

I just want to get away right now. I'm tired of yearbook signings, of BS projects, of cleaning... Just let me be. Please.

Slow down...

...i just want to get to know you.

Now, if that we're true, I'd be talking to you right now... haha!

But on the down low though. I saw someone I haven't seen in a long time. She's younger than me, but she had a baby. I missed her for a while. And just spending 30 seconds in the same room as her to say "hello" and then "see ya!" made me feel so much younger. It's so... different.

I feel like time has passed by. Like a friend of mine wrote in her Xanga, I think I actually want things to slow down. At the same time, I want things to go just a tad bit faster. Spare me the trouble of saying see-ya-laters, writing in yearbooks and holding back a few tears. Save me from this pointless era in my life when I show up to school and work and feel so out of place, purposeless, useless. Take me to somewhere I'd rather be: a party, the beach, a kickback.

Unproductively, I sit in my room like a dog on a leash without anything or anyone but myself tying me down. Why?

I'm week. Migraines. Inconsistent behavior. Insomnia. Social loneliness? Conclusion: depression. (No lie.)

Balcony

ISWAK: S
Oh, if only someone else shared my madness! =D

Today was definitely one to remember. "Go Maharlika!" HAH!

Happy Birthday. I hope you know I remembered on my own... I just wished I greeted you in 1st, but it's just so hard because the little posse you formed is too cool for me.
I said: "Do you know how hard it is to not have an actual best friend?"
She said: "Yes. I never did."
All this time, I thought she did. But she's like me--if anything, in a better position than me. I had you and I honestly considered you as one of my best friends. But you dropped me in a snap for no particular reason. AHHH. I don't want to hold it against you anymore. I don't want to hold a grudge. I don't want to be fake. I don't want to be mean on your birthday. But I don't think I'll stop until I figure out or until you give me a reason for all the pain I had to go through by losing you.

It's time to go to sleep. I have to fix a slideshow tomorrow.

Nobody

I'm spending my night on the computer because my computer is whack--if that makes any sense at all. I'm trying to make a slideshow "the easy way" when in all actuality, it's a very long process...

Anyway, boys seem to be making their way into my life. Haha! I think it's pretty... gross... haha. Oh well. More guy friends couldn't hurt, right? =)

Mwahahaha!

8 days of school/instruction left, suckkah!!! =D

Lost yah!

I totally lost you... hahah. Oh well!

I'm sure you'll find your way back to me. Mwahah.

Potential

Potential = possibilities.
Possibilities = endless!

'Nough Said.

PROM!

It was good. Real good. =D

Pictures are up! I really wish I took more tho... Haha.

Made new friends and caught up with old ones. =)

Got home after prom, changed, told mom I was leaving and left for IHOP. 3am, ended up at Anthea's awesome house and chilled. Laughed! Knocked out on her floor. Woke up 8am to find people playing DS. Mom called to check in around 8:30am. Fell back asleep somewhere in between. Went home around 11am. =)

Tomorrow: sing for 9:15 mass. Movie/Mafia night in the "high room"?? Hahah!

Monday: "project" & off to work. (blechh...)

READ ME

When I'm quiet = moody or contemplative
When I'm quiet and ignoring you = irritable
When I'm ignoring you and laughing = pissed off
When I'm laughing and talking to you = bitter
When I'm hyper = delirious or sleepy
When I'm sleepy and tired = depressed

When I figure out the rest of my emotions, I'll be sure to let you know...

Not Once

When have I asked you for money that you don't owe me?

Now. Let me be.

Why can't I ever just BE a bitch? Yeah, I can talk like one. Yeah, I can act like one. But in all actuality, I've never really let the bitch inside of me do its thing. Not once have I disrespected anyone to the point where I had no remorse or regret or guilt. Not once have I cussed someone out for the sake of telling them off. Not once have I screamed my lungs out at someone I've been wanting to yell at for months. Yeah, I complain. But it's all I can fuckin do. Why can't I do anything else about my problems?

People constantly walk all over me, knowing that I won't fight back, leaving me on the floor, helpless and alone, to rot into dust.

Do you know why I want to leave? Because I'm tired of people leaving me behind. I'm tired of saying good-bye to the people I care about most. I'm tired of being cornered into the same position over and over again. I'm ready to finally say, "Fuck everything. It's my turn now." I'm ready to be the one to leave them behind. I'm ready to prove that I'll be well once I get my share of fresh air.

Yeeah boyyy.

Fresh friendships rising up to the sky
And without a doubt, without asking why,
We became who we are, and will be niggies fo' life.
It's in our blood and you can't stop us.
Don't even try to make a fuss
Cuz you know you can't handle this.
Here's my advice:
Don't role the dice.
Don't take the risk.
Don't you dare try to get in the mix.
All that's gonna happen is you getting dissed
And me getting pissed
To the point where I wouldn't want to
And won't attempt to
Justify the wrongs and the rights
Or why I wrote what I did tonight.
We gon' chill, relax and take it slow
Even though we have no where to go
Cuz that's how we roll.
We homies, buddies, niggies fo' life.

In other news: prom is in 2 weeks. Hahahaha!

On a more serious note: woo-hoo for AP testing!

Something on my mind: shut the "F" up already! Talk about patience, perseverance and persistent... geesg!

All The Same

"Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same"
Sick Puppies - "All The Same"

Gah. My legs are sore. It's what I get for running a mile and a half... Hah!

I locked myself in my room for most of Sunday. It was great but depressing at the same time. I really wish I could've been else where...

My parents wonder where the heck all my money goes. Sometimes I do too. But looking back, it goes either them or me. Some of their gas, my food, my clothes/dresses, and nearly all my "senior year" expenses (aside from the AP fees and college-related things) have all come out of my pocket. Its not that I'm complaining. It makes sense that I pay for it because I do work. What's sad is that a part of me can't help but hold a grudge because I thought I was suppose to use my money for my vacation to the Philippines... Both my mom and my dad told me that I don't even have to work, but they don't realize that I actually do.

Sometimes no one understands my need to just chill. NOT work, NOT volunteer, NOT coordinate dances/practices for debuts and bands... JUST CHILL.

I'm tired. Worn down. Burnt out. The heat is already making its way to town. Now, I'm only waiting on summer. Oh, won't you please hurry up and arrive already...

On a much lighter note, I think I'm joining/starting a band. =) We are expecting to start recording a few things around November/December, so watch out for us!

Niggy

I find it ridiculous that the ONE time I TRY to be honest and trustworthy, everything blows up in my face. ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

"Niggy" (11:22:38 PM): you just feel like your just up against the corner and everything in your life is just holding you there. so you just fall down, and theres not even space for you to pick yourself back up. so then your like, fuck...how do i get out of this goddamn corner? but you know what, your just as tough as everything standing in your way. so you just gotta push those fuckers down one by one. then you'll find that you can stand up again. you just look at that damn devil, and say..."fuck you, imma get through this"

Thank you soo much...

Workout Plan!

Okay, so I started working out like a month ago in preparation of what's to come (prom, debuts, graduation, and summer in general). It didn't work out too well. I stopped when my grandfather passed away. But now I think I REALLY need to get back on track. Keep me on check, will ya?

Tasks until I get extremely tired of them or until I get in really good shape:
- Run at least a mile EVERY(week)DAY
- 10 sets in 50 reps of different crunches/sit-ups stuff every night
- Tae-bo! (30 minute video?) every other day
- Staying away from sweets & deserts
- Less rice (I don't think I can go on the "No Rice" diet... I'm too Filipino! =D)
- Eat more fruits & vegetables (and make shakes when I have time)
- Seafood instead of meat

And... go! =) Wish me luck and pray for me!

Prodigy

Hey, I wouldn't mind if I am your prodigy. =)

If anything, I take it as a compliment!

SERIOUSLY

Currently, I sit in a room filled with discarded papers. I've been looking for an important receipt for almost an hour and have nearly turned my room upside down. I have a bazillion assignments due tomorrow, yet I'm sitting here pretty calmly without a care in the world about what could happen to me. I haven't been able to focus on one task that I actually NEED to do. Not only have I lost my receipt, I've lost a pair of sunglasses, a pack of newly opened gum, and lastly, my insanity.

I'm saying it now: help me. I've been saying it for months: help me.

Is any body listening?

"Equipment"

I swear: the ONLY thing I'm looking forward to about going to college is shopping for the right equipment... ha! So far, I've found one of the heaviest laptops to ever be created--and I want it! Mwahaha! It's like a freekin 20lbs desktop! The only thing that would stop me from bringing it around campus (aside from its weight and size) would be the fact that I wouldn't want to risk losing it or scratching the outside.. hah!

I really really really need to get my head in the game...

Good-bye... Hello...

Good-bye, high school... Hello, "13th grade"... HA!

If that doesn't say anything about where I'm probably going to end up for the next four years of my life, then I really don't know what will...

I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house...

12 days

UCI. CSULB. CSU Poly Pomona. (Mt. St. Mary's is out of the question...)

CSU Poly Pomona = away; Barkada; know some people; average price of yearly education - $13,000
CSULB = car; keep job; stay home; know lots people; PAC; average price of yearly education - $13,000
UCI = away; only UCI at my disposal; away; Kabayan + Liwanag; know few people; average price of yearly education - $20,000

I must keep in mind that it's not about who's going to what school or who's already attending there. Nor the actual price. Those are the last things on my mind. Its about me and where I can grow the most... OR where I can trap myself and stay in my bubble...

Where do I belong? Will someone just please put an end to my misery and make up my mind for me?

God?

I Wear You

Your imperfections make you perfect.
Your moles, your scars, your broken spirit
Are what I see as your best features.
As I watch you walk away from my life,
Please know that you complete me

With every beat, I smile
With every smile, I cry

As I wear you on my sleeve
I’ll take the plunge, take the fall
Take the risks and leave it all.
For the sake of loving you
For the sake of living in truth
Show me a way, give me a sign
As I wear you on my sleeve

You’ve left a mark in my heart,
Ignited a flame within me.
As we go our separate ways,
I know you’ll still be with me
I’ll continue to pray that some day
I will see your beautiful face again
I’ll see you again

With every beat, I smile
With every smile, I cry

As I wear you on my sleeve
I’ll take the plunge, take the fall
Take the risks and leave it all.
For the sake of loving you
For the sake of living in truth
Show me a way, give me a sign
As I wear you on my sleeve

I’m reaching out, reaching far
Up to the skies, to the stars
Because that’s where you belong
My angel, watch over me, Pray for me
Though heaven, from earth, seems far
I know you’ll protect me
I know you’ll protect me
I know you’ll protect me from harm

As I wear you on my sleeve
I’ll take the plunge, take the fall
Take the risks and leave it all.
For the sake of loving you
For the sake of living in truth
Show me a way, give me a sign
As I wear you on my sleeve

I'll wear you
I'll keep you
forever in my heart

Momentum

I have nothing left in me. I don't know how long I can keep up with this madness known as "life". My energy is drained and all I'm acting upon is my id.

I got home from work around 7:30ish. I slept at 8 and hoped to get up and do homework by 9, but I slept in til 10pm. I've sat on the computer since then, only getting up to get a drink, use the restroom and exercise to stay awake. What have I accomplished? Everything but what I set out to do: my analytical English paper. There's just something about that class that sucks out all the excitement and energy out of me.

Surprisingly, I've been doing fairly well in catching up in all of my subjects except English. Maybe its the support of some teachers that are helping me get through it. They believe in me more than I believe in myself. It's something I haven't experienced in a while. It's good to know that there are still people out there...

I don't know where I'm going to end up. But I have a strong feeling that I'll end up at...

The appeal process is here. Who knows what can or will happen in the next month... =/

Give me a push or something, will you?

I'm Holding On

Everyday, we make decisions. There is a cost and a benefit to each decision we make. Thus, the economics of love is heavily debated over; what will we do: take the chance and risk the costs or take the chance and gain the benefits?

Frankly, I commend those who are able to decide that the experience is well worth the fall. I admire those who jump off into the sky (from God knows where) despite not being able to predect where exactly one will land. I highly respect those who aren't afraid of their hearts being bruised--or possibly broken--by wearing them on their sleeves.

Falling in love isn't something difficult. I've done it many times before (believe it or not) and I'll gladly do it again. What scares me is having someone fall in love with me. The thought of me being such a disappointment, such a disgrace, such an embarrassment for one person scares me too much. I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid to hurt myself by hurting someone I love (if that even makes sense at all).

What's even more ridiculous is what I'm holding on to: the love of my family. It's only hurting me now; my strength has deteriorated, my energy is at an all-time low, my emotions are out of balance. Because this love is all that I have, I don't want to let go. But because this love is all that I have, it's what causes me to feel the most agony: I'm constantly disappointing the people who love me and whom I love most and I don't know how to stop it. This extended vine of love that I'm holding on to is the only thing saving me from my fear of having someone fall in love with me, yet it's the only thing in sight and within my reach, which is therefore the only thing I am able to lash at and take my anger out on.

I know I'm only hurting myself in the long run by holding on... but how could I and why should I let go when I know that I'll risk getting hurt more if I release my grip?

Damn it.

Don't talk to me.
Don't talk to me about my family, about my future/college plans, about scholarships, about homework, about boys, about church, about me.
Unless you have some [freakishly] good news (such as: my grandfather rose from the dead), don't talk to me at all.

One word of "advice" or expression which serves no purpose to me (such as the words: "I'm sorry"), one phrase of stupidity, one line of an insult... and you can be sure that you'll have a bruise on your face.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD.

Quit asking me questions I don't have answers to. Quit acting like living and growing up is a f*ckin easy process. Quit trying to get in my face saying you understand--because you don't. You don't understand how it feels to loose three family members from the same side of the family in the span of 5 days. You don't understand how hard it is to be thousands of miles away from your family. You don't understand the pressure on my shoulders to do well in high school and even better in college. You don't understand how it is to suddenly become a parent to your younger sibling and take up all these responsibilities because you're afraid your mother will collapse out of stress. You don't understand how it feels to "run" a f*ckin' club with a Dance Coordinator who overpowers you and is favored by the head adviser while trying to keep up with all sorts of f*ckin' tests, quizzes and projects. Quit fantasizing that I'm some ingenious kid, like my older sister. Quit pretending like I'm oblivious to the fact that my future IS important, like my little brother.

Quit it. Quit on me.
I gave up a long time ago and I think it's just about time you realize that and give up on me as well.

"Sorry"

What does it mean? When is it appropriate? Why would one say it?

RIP
George Penalba - March 30, 2007

3 in a week from different things. Deng. When does that ever happen?

I'm depressed. FOR REAL.
I can't bring myself to do anything related to school--especially college stuff.

F*ck it all. Hah.

Tsk tsk.. Such a horrible time to get senioritis...

Yuckkk.

Damn it. The things I get myself into when I'm vulnerable. I'm prone to becoming the one of the most ruthless bitches alive when trying to repress my depression.

Honest to God, I think I'm seriously bipolar...

I know what I want.

Deng it...

...I freekin' miss YOU.

Flash

In an instant, they were taken away. In an instant, my plans, my mentality, my fears, my prayers, my priorities--my whole world--changed. In an instant, I grew older in a much faster pace than ever before.

Rest In Peace,
Tatay Leon - March 26, 2007
& Mommy Teyang - March 27, 2007
(Philippine time zone).
May perpetual light always shine upon you.
We'll love and miss you.

You know...

...I can totally be a bitch sometimes. It's horrible.

I'm going to grow old with kidney stones and ulcers. Hah. Not eating regularly and not peeing isn't something I should be doing--especially since I'm recovering from bronchitis. I just might need the extra energy from food...

A Daddy-Long-Leg just crawled down my wall in front of the computer and scared the hell out of me. It fell on the floor and I'm scared it might crawl up my leg because I was too slow to kill it.

I'm totally stressed out. Work isn't helping.

Did I write how I only gained one pound in a year but I feel totally fat? So last year, I was sick and I went to the doctors. A regular procedure is to take your weight, temperature and blood pressure. I got weighed this year with a whole bunch of crap like my wallet, phone, my work keys and my house keys, pens and whatever... Probably a total of at least one pound. And even then, I weighed less than what I weighed last year. But for some reason, I still feel fatter than last year. My metabolism sucks.

I have a tendency to not talk to the people I really like. Why? Because I'd hate to embarrass myself in front of them. But I also do the same to the people I don't like. Why? Because I'd hate to embarrass them with what I might say or do to them. Ha.

I'm telling you: I can be a real bitch.

End of story.

P.S. - Excuse the language.

Hanford, California

Smells like cows. The water kinda smells too. Haha. It's just a small, country town that's starting to blossom. It gets real humid and hot. But in the end, when you're with family, it's ALL worth it! =)

Just got back about an hour ago. It was a good break from the Carson scene.

On the drive home, I was looking out the window saw so many stars. Although the glare on the window prevented me to fully take in what nature has to offer, I still saw it more clearly than I ever would if I were down here. I feel like we're so caught up with work and our future that we forget how to relax. I sure did. It's why I have bronchitis right now. =/

I told my co-workers I would be out of town this weekend.
My supervisor asked me one question: "Geez, Nez... when do you ever act like a kid?"
I'm sure she didn't mean childlike, not childish. Honestly, I don't know the answer to that. I've been caught up with scholarships, maharlika, school and work that I can't even find time to properly rest.

And what's worse is that you got me thinking. Well, it's not at all bad... I'm just saying you occupy my mind too much. =P

SDD

Senior Ditch Day's tomorrow. Hah. I found out like 20 minutes ago and people have been knowing since 7:30am today. Damn, I'm late...

Anyway, I've been Youtubing... which really sucks. I gave up myspace cuz it took over my life and now comes Youtube... Back to the subject: I found David Choi. He's a really cool artist. Nice voice and good guitar skills. You should check him out!

Oh tonight I'm feeling fine
I'm alone just wasting time
no Friday movie nights or romantic candlelights

I'm just having conversations
with the thoughts in my head
all I hear are angels crying
oh won't they just sing instead

It would be wrong for me to say

I don't need that girl by my side
I don't need that girl in my life
I don't want to talk it out
or hold her when she cries

I don't want to say she's my kind
I don't want to say that she's mine
I don't want to tell her
that I love her more than life
more than life, love her more than life

Honestly, this won't do
how is she doing?
I tell myself I'm feeling swell
but I know I'm such a fool
I'll just take it as a new beginning
but you know I don't feel that way
who will take all this pain away?

I know it's wrong for me to say

Chorus

Talk about a sin
was the day I walked into the other side
I would run back in
I wouldn't waste no time

I know it's wrong for me to say

Chorus
"That Girl" - David Choi

Blogging Mood

I really don't know why I'm blogging so much. I guess I just don't want to forget.

Ienus. 5 of A kind. Jason J. <-- cool stuff. Youtube 'em.
Hold me; never let me go
Scold me; tell me that you love me so
Please me; put me in your mighty grip
Squeeze me; and let the juices of our love drip
Down
"Juices"

Cause I got the sweet sweet lovin'
From that sugar on your lips
And I got the chocolate covered feelin'
From my head to my tips
And I got the mean green jelly bean
Looking for the right scene
Searching for the right scheme
Baby you know what I mean
Cause you got more maple than your syrup
And more fiz than your drink
And you got the tender time for loving
Turning from blue to pink
And you got the juicy flavored lolly pop
Girl you know I kid you not
Why can't this shooter hit the spot
You got my heart all day and night

Oh baby, you got the powder
You got the cream
You got the fat free
You got the lean
Baby, you got the powder
You got the cream
You got the fat free
You got the lean

And girl nothing's as sweet as you
"The Candy Song"

I see you. But do you see me?

So...

I know what I want.

If only...

Forever.

Thank God for tonight. It wasn't right, but it was good--if that makes any sense at all.

No one will ever understand this post.

Me and only me.

New Old and Everlasting

You just gotta groove with it. =) Dancing with older people is fun. But dancing to a dance which older people choreograph... not so much?

Kit's a homie, yo! I'm glad I get to meet and know cool people like him and stuff.

This weekend has been going great so far. Not too chill and not too busy.

Its been a crazy year so far. Not too crazy, but not too chill. =) Get it!

Sunday! =)

I hate how guys have so much pride in them that they are able lie in front of the general public about what to do.

I dislike the fact that we are so affected by the media.

I despise how I involve myself in situations which I shouldn’t even be thinking about.

My mom and I have been talking more often lately. Although at times, the volume and tone of our voices may no longer be considered as “talking” and defined as “yelling,” I love it. =)

She mentioned something about prom last night. Makes me wonder about what can happen in the next 3 months…

Today’s mass was incredibly catchy.
1 – Say “No” [to temptation] at once!
2 – The devil is afraid of a man on his knees; PRAY!
3 – When [spiritually] sick, take a double dosage of Vitamin C: Confession & Communion!

Happy Sunday! =)

Btw, I’m off of myspace for lent—don’t try and contact me through it!

End.

Lent is here. In about a Month or so, we will relive the death of Jesus.

Please pray for Dorothea Penalba, as well as the rest of the family.
Lord, let your will be done.

I've been really tired this past week.
Lord, please keep me healthy and strengthen me.

I've killed 3 snails in the past 4 evenings. Yuck.

Boston

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think i need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think i need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston...where no one knows my name...
"Boston" by Augustana

Meet me there? Meet me there.

No one needs to know. Just me and Him.

Lots of different people = lots of different crosses.

Trust me.

Would love exist without trust? Would trust exist without love? Would faith exist without love? Would faith exist without trust? Would truth be established without trust?

I need to leave. I need to get away.
Take me out of the dark, my Lord.
Take me to Boston already. Please.

CLICK

Exploring Myspace and just going to some random people's pages leads you to good music. No doubt. From Gabe Bondoc to Patrick Palompo to Passion to Secondhand Serenade through a few random clicks. I LOVE IT!

One of those Sundays...

Actually, it was one of those nostalgic weekends.
It wasn't the least bit lonesome, but a little bit lonely. Make sense? Eh, don't worry... I don't understand it either...

I reread retreat letters.
Sometimes I regret not being able to write letters to certain people.

Yesterday, I gave a testimony about how I like to think of myself as a busy person and how my job requires me to relax a little bit. To loosen up and just be a kid again. And frankly, I really don't know why it's so hard for me to do such a thing. I don't understand how I became such a serious person. But at the same time, I'm still young, silly and totally immature.

Someone called me a kiss-ass the other day. Am I? I like to think that I'm in good terms with a lot of my teachers and counselors, but I don't think I got there by sucking up to them. A lot of people seem so insincere now days. So much so that many have mistaken my sincerity for befriending and helping out teachers as a form of sucking up. It seems so ridiculous.

I think it's strange how easily I can write and express myself and how difficult it is for me to write lyrics for a song...

Sadie Hawkins is coming! Knott's Berry Farm, here I come!
Sadie Hawkins dance.. In my khaki pants.. there's nothing better and... OH OH OH!
Senior Year is expensive.

2007--in it's entirety--is expensive.
I need to learn how to save and manage my money better.

I went from reminiscing about the past to pondering about the future.

I need sleep. I'm definitely an insomniac.
Would someone teach me how to swallow pills?
Maybe I can go to the doctors and prescribe sleeping pills...

I haven't blogged randomly in a while. This was nice.
It shall be on my "must do again" list.

One day...

I'm going to buy a high-tech camera.
Then I'm going to travel the world.
With my camera.
And LEON. =)

I'm going to ride a two-seater bike.
Alone or with someone.
I will do it.

I'm going to perform.
Center stage.

I'm going to make a 2-hour, low-tech, self-edited film.

I'm going to be heard.

I'm going...

February

So it's like the first week of February.
Anna Nicole Smith died. May perpetual light shine upon her.
I feel bad for her. I mean yeah, she was famous, but she was famous for all the wrong reasons (or at least I think so). I don't want to be mean, but I really want to know who'll be there for her funeral out of love and not out of pity...

This weekend is the Holy Family Confirmation Retreat. Let us all keep the team and candidates in our prayers as we continue to pray for the youth of St. Philomena as well!

Next week is St. Valentine's Day.
Let's celebrate and wear black and hang a sign around our necks that says "Blessed Singleness rocks!" Hahaha! I'm so anti-valentines. It's bad, no?

I love my friends. There are just some whom you don't see, but when you do meet up with them again, it's like time never occurred. The comfortableness is the same as before. You can laugh, you can smile, you can hug and joke around once more without ever feeling awkward. Those friends are the ones to keep. Those are the friends who are no longer friends, but family.

"Why?"

My heart. For years. Forever. With you.
On second thought, "damn it!" Hahah! Joke lang, bro!

Because I'm in it for the chase.
On second thought, "damn it!" It's no joke this time.

Religion. Culture. Age. Music. Differences.

Me. You.
US.
U. S.

Thursday = The New Friday

What it do!

Haha.. I swear.. I gotta stop taking pride in being "young"! =)

Eureka

Not only am I afraid to fail, but I'm afraid to succeed. Failing at something, failing someone puts a big burden on me. Why? I really don't know. I guess its because having failed at something means that I stole the opportunity for someone to be happy. Succeeding at something, pleasing someone puts a bigger burden on me. Why? Because if I am ever to succeed, I'd make someone out there happy. And if I make someone out there happy, then I'd be caught up worrying about the thought of failing them, robbing them of their actual happiness. Does that make sense?

I know that I try to gain attention and appreciation for being the person in the shadows, in the background--the person who is an important character in this play of life while not trying to be the main star. Honestly, I now question my sincerity when it comes to serving God. I don't understand if it's for me or for Him. I really don't know if confiding my deepest thoughts to the people whom I trust most is out of my pride or out of my guilt & fear of God.

Yes, this may just be another trial. And yes, I know it will only get harder from here. But here's the thing... It isn't about where I should go from here--I know for a fact that it should be the road less traveled. It's about one simple question: Where will I go from here?

I love her...

Don't even trip.. I've learned that ther will always be people waiting for you to fail and make a mistake just so those people can feel a little better about themselves.. Just let them talk but always remember you are above all of them! You're still one of the most amazing person I know! Love you

-Penny


She makes me smile! =D

Theories of Love

I swear I can understand anyone else's situation except the ones I'm directly involved with.

To be continued...

Hawak Kamay

What's sad about some friendships is that after you think you know someone, you really don't. They stab you in the back with words even when you're doing them such a huge favor that costs you more than you can afford. And the more you try to act more reasonable, the more you try and be friendly, the more you try and put everything behind you, the more they ignore you. The more they think you're the one being stuck up because you're not dealing with the problem between you and that person.

I dunno. Maybe I'm generalizing a bit too much. But I can't help it. It's happened to me too many times. I'm tired of trying to salvage one-way friendships.

But even if you need any more favors, even if you need help, even if you need me to do something for you... I'll try. Why? Because I have the responsibility of living up to my promise to you: I'll always try to be there for you when you need me. But here's the thing: don't expect me to be coming to you for anything at all... because right now, I don't need the things that you're offering me. I don't need the drama, I don't need the bullsh*t. Sad to say, but I don't need you anymore.

Dancing

Hugs from behind are THE BEST =)

Dancing. It's not really about being coordinated. It's not really about performing. To me, it's not about whatever's on your mind, but instead, it's about whatever's in your heart. When you dance, you should just go with the rhythm--even if the only thing you can do is sway to the beat. When you dance, you should just forget whoever and whatever is around you--it's just you (maybe the person you're dancing with) and the music. When you dance, it's about being free. It's about being you.

So dance. Dance under the moonlight. Dance under the star light. Dance under the lamp post. Dance in the rain. Waltz. Swing. Cha-cha. Modern. Just dance.

And don't forget to laugh and smile while you're at it! =D hehe.

Happy New Year

"I hope this year, I get to know you better."

I didn't feel like being at prayer meeting last Saturday. I didn't feel like being at my uncle's house either. I didn't know where else to go except the Blessed Sacrament, but I had no balls to actually go there on my own. But God used Andrew for the youth split, and Andrew brought us all to the Blessed Sacrament.

What God told me: follow my heart. The problem: I don't know where my heart is. Maybe I'm like St. Augustine when he said "My heart will remain restless until it rests with [God]." A few months ago, some nuns came to the youth split and gave a talk. I thought I was being called to the sisterhood, I said I'd be open to it... maybe it's the answer I'm looking for... But I'm not ready...

"Kalimutan mo na yan. Wala na man yan, eh. Nag-e-enjoy lang tayo."
Here's a little secret: I'm in it for the chase. But why am I looking for something else?

Discernment isn't for something bad. THIS is not bad. Why is discerning so hard?

New? Old?

I say I'm different all the time, which means I lie all the time. I actually haven't changed much at all since freshman year. I don't have any real goals, any real dream except to live happily by trying to make everyone else happy. Is that really so bad?

I shouldn't bother asking questions to which I would give my own answer/opinion about... but anyway...

Maybe it is bad. All my life, I've been living as if everything will be fed to me. I've constantly relied on others to get my back when I fail and consequently, those "others" have always gotten my back when I've failed as a daughter, as a sister, as a student, as a leader and as a servant. Thinking back, I've never really done anything on my own.

Don't get me wrong. I know it's not bad to ask for help... but I also want to give help. How can I give help when I need it myself?

I can hardly hold it together anymore. Though my priorities are set in my mind, I have yet to find the help, the inspiration or motivation to execute my plans.

Hell... what are my plans??? I just want to be happy and make people happy...

Growing up, I've always known that I'm not perfect and no where near close to being perfect. But I've also had the mentality that despite that fact, I could still be someone people would brag about, someone whom others looked up to. And (as conceited as I may sound) I do feel like I've been that person for the past 17 years. Honestly, I've been a show off and entertainer my whole life... I've just been acting humble in order to just gain more praise for myself... just to hear words of support and encouragement and delightfulness, to know that despite my imperfections, my flaws, my mistakes, I'm still someone important in the world.

Yeah, yeah... I'm selfish, conceited, arrogant. Let it slip just for this moment. Because as you're reading this--whoever you are--I'm owning up to it.

And so once again, we come back to my plans...

In trying to please myself by pleasing everyone else, I've yet to discover what my true passion for life is. I don't have a true aspiration for myself. Aside from daydreaming of the endless possibilities of who or what I could be, I've never seriously thought about my future. Since freshman year, I knew I would apply and attend college without ever considering what major I would have or school I would go to or what career I might intend to pursue. I just knew it. I've always just been following what my parents (and what everyone/anyone else) expected of me. But now that senior year is here, I HAVE to think about issues that I've always pushed to the side.

Now more than ever, I'm lost. About all aspects of my life. And what's worse--well, not necessarily worse, but challenging--is that I have to figure out my location and destination. FAST. ALONE. Why? Because I need to prove to myself that I can do it on my own.

Who knows if it's just pride, if I'm just showing off again or if I really want to do it for myself... I guess we'll find out in a year or a few years from now?

Happy New Year!

Hey... this was pretty long... hmm..