Eureka

Not only am I afraid to fail, but I'm afraid to succeed. Failing at something, failing someone puts a big burden on me. Why? I really don't know. I guess its because having failed at something means that I stole the opportunity for someone to be happy. Succeeding at something, pleasing someone puts a bigger burden on me. Why? Because if I am ever to succeed, I'd make someone out there happy. And if I make someone out there happy, then I'd be caught up worrying about the thought of failing them, robbing them of their actual happiness. Does that make sense?

I know that I try to gain attention and appreciation for being the person in the shadows, in the background--the person who is an important character in this play of life while not trying to be the main star. Honestly, I now question my sincerity when it comes to serving God. I don't understand if it's for me or for Him. I really don't know if confiding my deepest thoughts to the people whom I trust most is out of my pride or out of my guilt & fear of God.

Yes, this may just be another trial. And yes, I know it will only get harder from here. But here's the thing... It isn't about where I should go from here--I know for a fact that it should be the road less traveled. It's about one simple question: Where will I go from here?