Everyday, we make decisions. There is a cost and a benefit to each decision we make. Thus, the economics of love is heavily debated over; what will we do: take the chance and risk the costs or take the chance and gain the benefits?
Frankly, I commend those who are able to decide that the experience is well worth the fall. I admire those who jump off into the sky (from God knows where) despite not being able to predect where exactly one will land. I highly respect those who aren't afraid of their hearts being bruised--or possibly broken--by wearing them on their sleeves.
Falling in love isn't something difficult. I've done it many times before (believe it or not) and I'll gladly do it again. What scares me is having someone fall in love with me. The thought of me being such a disappointment, such a disgrace, such an embarrassment for one person scares me too much. I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid to hurt myself by hurting someone I love (if that even makes sense at all).
What's even more ridiculous is what I'm holding on to: the love of my family. It's only hurting me now; my strength has deteriorated, my energy is at an all-time low, my emotions are out of balance. Because this love is all that I have, I don't want to let go. But because this love is all that I have, it's what causes me to feel the most agony: I'm constantly disappointing the people who love me and whom I love most and I don't know how to stop it. This extended vine of love that I'm holding on to is the only thing saving me from my fear of having someone fall in love with me, yet it's the only thing in sight and within my reach, which is therefore the only thing I am able to lash at and take my anger out on.
I know I'm only hurting myself in the long run by holding on... but how could I and why should I let go when I know that I'll risk getting hurt more if I release my grip?
