New? Old?

I say I'm different all the time, which means I lie all the time. I actually haven't changed much at all since freshman year. I don't have any real goals, any real dream except to live happily by trying to make everyone else happy. Is that really so bad?

I shouldn't bother asking questions to which I would give my own answer/opinion about... but anyway...

Maybe it is bad. All my life, I've been living as if everything will be fed to me. I've constantly relied on others to get my back when I fail and consequently, those "others" have always gotten my back when I've failed as a daughter, as a sister, as a student, as a leader and as a servant. Thinking back, I've never really done anything on my own.

Don't get me wrong. I know it's not bad to ask for help... but I also want to give help. How can I give help when I need it myself?

I can hardly hold it together anymore. Though my priorities are set in my mind, I have yet to find the help, the inspiration or motivation to execute my plans.

Hell... what are my plans??? I just want to be happy and make people happy...

Growing up, I've always known that I'm not perfect and no where near close to being perfect. But I've also had the mentality that despite that fact, I could still be someone people would brag about, someone whom others looked up to. And (as conceited as I may sound) I do feel like I've been that person for the past 17 years. Honestly, I've been a show off and entertainer my whole life... I've just been acting humble in order to just gain more praise for myself... just to hear words of support and encouragement and delightfulness, to know that despite my imperfections, my flaws, my mistakes, I'm still someone important in the world.

Yeah, yeah... I'm selfish, conceited, arrogant. Let it slip just for this moment. Because as you're reading this--whoever you are--I'm owning up to it.

And so once again, we come back to my plans...

In trying to please myself by pleasing everyone else, I've yet to discover what my true passion for life is. I don't have a true aspiration for myself. Aside from daydreaming of the endless possibilities of who or what I could be, I've never seriously thought about my future. Since freshman year, I knew I would apply and attend college without ever considering what major I would have or school I would go to or what career I might intend to pursue. I just knew it. I've always just been following what my parents (and what everyone/anyone else) expected of me. But now that senior year is here, I HAVE to think about issues that I've always pushed to the side.

Now more than ever, I'm lost. About all aspects of my life. And what's worse--well, not necessarily worse, but challenging--is that I have to figure out my location and destination. FAST. ALONE. Why? Because I need to prove to myself that I can do it on my own.

Who knows if it's just pride, if I'm just showing off again or if I really want to do it for myself... I guess we'll find out in a year or a few years from now?

Happy New Year!

Hey... this was pretty long... hmm..