commitment

i have commitment issues. its hard for me to stick with something for a long period of time. whether it be layouts, blog servers, favorite school subject, or whatever.. i get tired of it and i'll eventually change things up.

it scares me. the analytical questions come to mind when i say i have commitment issues. 'what if i get into a relationship?' 'how long would that last?' 'if i can't commit to even a friendship, do i have the right to call anyone a best friend?' i dunno..

i have trouble commiting to friendships. its why i know so many people but at the same time, i'm not really that close to anyone. yes, i put a lot of work into getting to know the person themselves, but when it comes to them knowing me, they dont discover much. all they see is my exterior: sarcastic, abnoxious, a thinker, guitar player...

i've lost too many friends already due to distance, lack of communication, and/or lack of time that we spend together. to know that i once confided in them my deepest thoughts and secrets and suddenly have them disappear hurts me. it makes it harder for me to really open up to people and to make real friends.

a lot of people consider me blunt and serious when it comes to personal matters. i think so too. i'm not the type to play guessing games anymore because i know that it wont get me anywhere. if i'm straight to the point, its faster to get to know a person, right?

i guess you can say i've grown up--or at least i think i have. but i know i'm still growing.

its probably part of the reason why i moved to blogger. i'm no longer the foolish girl who constantly talks about her daily activities; i'm the girl who talks about daily thoughts.

though they may be boring, i'd like to thank you for keeping up with these thoughts and constant rants of mine--whoever you may be.