sleepy

i'm listening to 80's music in art class while doing a blog and doing my history homework right now. great stuff, huh?

its gonna be a long day. art. history. algebra. basketball tournament. music ministry practice. LSS core meeting. not home til probably around 11pm-ish.

pero por lo general, i'm quite fond of the busyness. =)

foreign

i was watching korean drama i accidentally found while surfing channels around three weeks ago. tonight was the last episode. what i realized is that the best love stories to me are those that end happily but have tragedy involved. i know it sounds weird but its true. like the movie "a walk to remember", someone dies in the end, but it still turned out to be a pretty happy ending because the person left here on earth was content and ready to wait for their turn to get to heaven and meet their loved one once more.

in other news, math seems pretty darn foreign to me. darwin gave a talk tonight at confirmation which involved a lot of math. although not much calculation went on, it was still a little tough to follow. but praise God because it was a great talk.

boo. i'm back to my old boring blogs when i blog about my day and i have nothing 'deep'. its not bad, but i really wish i had more to say about life than what has already happened..

4 lines of nothingness

i get it! i finally get why i'm so impatient and it freekin sucks.

i had a lot of things to blog about. i forgot them all.

i should sleep or do hw.

good bye.

memory lane

yesterday, i visited a middle school that i didnt even attend and i was there to celebrate a teacher's birthday--a teach whom i've never had. it was rather odd, but i was there last year too. just to be there shows me how much people, including myself, have grown. there wre no cake fights, no roller-blading down the halls, nothing like last year.

after that, i went to my uncle's and my cousins and i went to a video store on PCH next to redondo beach. just seeing the sun on the verge of setting reminded me of the time another cousin, his girlfriend [at the time] and i went beach cruising down PCH and drove to hermosa beach just for the sunset.

going home, we took PCH instead of the streets we took going there. a whole bunch of things flashed by. the chuck-e-cheese that we had the LSS team dinner at last year. china buffet where my mom took one of our relatives from the philippines to. the street that lead to friendship park. the street that led to cheska's debut place in PV. the amc where i've spent countless afternoons with friends. the norms where i stayed out til 2am and where anthony wanted his eggs cooked. the denny's where i stayed one and a half hours waiting for my order. alberta's where i ate the best carne asada fries. the best buy where i bought three pop rock/emo cds..

i really miss those things..

well i have to get back to class now cuz the teacher is getting frustrated with the other students. haha. i love art. =)

road trip

i just spent at least a good hour on mysacing and a around 15 minutes on reading blogs. shows how much of a life i have..

with all the blogs and myspaces i've seen tonight, my intense desire to go out some place has grown stronger. six flags, disneyland, the beach, signal hill, the glass chapel, beach-side cliffs, knotts, new york, hanford, san fransisco, florida, philippines [tagaytay, boracay, bagio, tayabas, and mendez], korea, europe [wayy to much to list].. i just wanna get out of carson.

last sunday, after cleaning the car, i parked it nice and straightly from the driveway onto its side of the garage. i know its not much, but it seems big to me considering the fact that my mom was just inside the house and i dont drive yet. my mom didnt get mad and i think i impressed my dad. later that night, i brought up my applying for a driver's lisence and all that junk. they said yes and that i could get it, but none of us are doing much about it.

my mom said that i'll just be going out. i told her that the only places i'll go to are home, school, and church--which i thought to be true at the time. thinking about it, there is no way i'll stick to those three locations. well, maybe in the first couple of months or so, but after a year, i'd probably be driving to cerritos mall and whatnot.

in other forgotten news, i turned in my AP apps today. i was gonna go to the career center to see what the deal is with summer jobs, but i flaked and decided i'll do it some other time. i talked to one of my friends, Jesus Nunez, one of the assistant principals at carson high, and he said he'll hook me up with my address change. its great to know people on the inside.

wow.. i cant believe all that crap just came from my mind to my fingers and onto the screen. am i back? i dunno. but i'm pretty darn sleepy. haha. good night/morning.

life

i hardly post anything personal, thoughtful, meaningful anymore. what i blog doesnt even make sense to me anymore. i have yet to understand why on earth i still blog. it seems as if it takes eternity for me to type up simple little paragraphs.

i miss you.

i mean that for one person in particular, but i miss so many people right now.

someone 'kidnap' me tomorrow. lets go to the beach or to the movies. i'd say the beach tho, just because its free and i only have $4. and plus, i have to go pay for the basketball tournament which is $5. ha.

some things

start time - 8:53pm

there's been a lot of thinking going on within my head. so much that i dont even know what to write on this mug. its impossbile for me to filter out what should go on here so i just dont filter and leave it all in my head.

after an hour of sitting here and thinking of what to write, all i have is this.

end time - 9:55pm

help me

haha. i dunno what i did with my blog but all the stuff on the right side sunk to the bottom. =P

aside from that, wanna help me out by praying for me? gonna worship lead again tomorrow, but it'll be different so yeah.

ohh, and for the girliness in me. haha. pray that it doesnt take over!! =P

k thanks!

always

"there's always that one person that will always have your heart.."

usher said it straight up and its true. haha. there's ALWAYS something that's gonna be there. why am i saying this? because its true.

just like your CG, i will always remember *insert name here*. but dont worry, cuz the same goes for you.. trust me! =P

so there are some friendships that i've wanted to fix up lately. not that they were broken or anything, but they've just been put aside and have been someone neglected. sad to say, but as i 'fix' these, i 'put aside' other ones. i'm not sure if its all my doing because afterall, a friendship goes both ways.

k i gotta go practice the songs for praise and worship tomorrow. bye

yayee!

project is done! got turned in today and all thanks to geeps who helped me to literally put it all together!

thank you soooo much geeps! i know you already lack sleep with your daily things, but to help me out and add on my group project into your schedule.. dude. that's hectic stuff! but thank you oh-so very much because you saved my butt big time today!!

"its too early for booty calls..." haha that one blew up in my face today.

thank you for being there. =) the whole thing today was unexpected and so last minute, but i needed someone to talk to this morning.. and yeah, i know we didnt really talk until after it was all over, but thank you. you know, you never got your question answered. she didnt know and i brought it up but didnt answer. yes. at least i'm pretty sure its a yes. haha.

i dont understand why people look at the bad stuff first and ignore the good stuff. itsl ike you get two kinds of news, the bad and the good, but for some reason, people tend to focus more on the bad part.. at least that's what they're doing. they put all the attention to my one D and not to the As i have. blah. it my fault i guess.

awake

its the easiest task to do,
the toughest to fight,
but the worst thing you can do to yourself.

to simply just close your eyes
and fall into a place
where time has no limit,
where anything can happen,
where love can exist without hate.

sounds great, doesnt it?
you can fall in love
fall out of love.
you can rewind time
you can do things over
without having to worry about much
or about anyone in particular
except for yourself
and your only goal is
to make sure
that what you want happens.

okay i give in. i suck at poetry when i'm forcing it out. haha. if you havent gotten it yet, i was talking about falling asleep. why? cuz i have to stay awake for the time being.

i'm stressing but i'll look carefree. why is that? i have no clue. but i'm stressed like heck.

serious crush

i totally went overboard with my last entry. i'll make it. i dont have it half as tough as some brave people who are going from zero to four AP classes. haha.

in my world, there are things that are called simple crushes, and things that are called complicated crushes. the difference between a serious crush and a simple crush is..

• you spend forever and a day waiting on that seirous curshee to call you.
• you spend eternity wondering if they think of you.
• you spend most of your time day dreaming while you should be focused on something more important like projects and homework.

there's just so much that goes on. i forgot what i was going to write on here. boo.

too much to handle? who knows..

i'm lazy like hell, so what am i gonna do? i'm gonna apply to stuff like CSF next school year.. i'm gonna try out for something and for some reason, even tho its going to take a LOT of my time, i wanna keep it if i make it.. i'm gonna try to enroll into college classes at the community college over summer even tho i dont exactly know how i'm gonna get there since i dont drive and even tho i dont really have money to pay the fees.. or i might just end up going to narbonne for summer school since carson's being stupid.. i'm going to take two AP classes next year even tho i never even had one and i dont have money to pay the AP exams [but then we'll worry about that when it comes].. i'm going to try and get a job over the summer to earn money that will hopefully last for a while even tho i dont know how to apply for one yet and i also have no way of getting there.. all while trying to keep up whatever role i have in the LF community. what a lazy person, huh?

i feel like i'm gonna be overworked. wouldnt you agree? wait.. did all that stuff i just said even make sense?! gahh!!

i have to work on my project and my hw. i have to work on my brother's project and hw. i have to work on my talk(s). i have to memorize music for praise and worship. i have to turn in these apps. i have to learn how to get an app for a job.

i have to.. relax. take me away. lets go to the beach.

philippines

i wanna go there and stay there. something inside me is saying that things would be a hell of a lot easier if i were there right now, but i know at the same time that if i were there, i'd want to be here. get what i'm saying?

confused with everything and almost everyone.

i thought i let it all go. but i knew eventually i'd come back to this place and point in my life where i'd be so lost. i just never expected things to go back so soon.

its hard to listen to the heart when you use your head. its hard to see the blessings when you're looking at the challenges and trials. its hard to prioritize when everything is equally important. its hard to live. its hard to be a human being. how did God do it?

gahhhhh! i'm going crazee!!! i'm tripping over the little things when i should be worrying about the bigger things like my history project that's due wednesday that i cant even get started on because i have no equipment!!!

overflow

fr. raymond told me that he's glad i'm very active in the church. he also said that he hoped it was from an overflow of love for and within my family.

boom! reality check: i need to fix my life.

in my last entry, i talked about how you cant really ask much from God because its already there. he's already giving me the strength to face my problems. its just up to me if i want to do it his way [the hard but good way] or my way [the easy but not-so-good way]. i know that to do, but to actually do it is a totally different thing. its a lot harder.

i dont know what the reason was, but i wanted tonight to last forever. maybe it's because i dont want to face all the yelling i'm gonna get later on, or the fact that i'm actually gonna have to work both on mine and my brother's projects.. who knows? things just didnt turn out the way i expected. in a way, i'm greatful, but in another way, i'm not. i took the risks, i took the chances, i asked the questions.. i gotta face the consequences some time, right? might as well be tomorrow..

*sigh* pray for me.

its five minutes after i originally published this post. i just read anthony andora's blurty and i find it rather odd that we both talked about fr. raymond and the whole 'overflow' thing. i miss him. he left a lasting impression on me.. if you were someone like rose, you'd definitely be able to say this too.

lesson learned

i just finished watching a filipino drama show with my mom. it reminded me a lot about last night's skit.

last night's skit went great. mad propz to all the actors and actresses, to karen and nette, and to noel and gp for all the equipmet. but most of all, mad propz to God for making it all happen and making it all worthwhile. =) thank you, Lord.

so the lesson learned is that you can't keep asking for what you already have. not physically, but more.. internally. ya know? its like you cant keep asking God for a better relationship with your parents because you already have a great one. you cant keep asking God for the strength to keep going because he's already there giving it to you. you cant keep asking to be loved, to be held in strong arms that will catch us if you happen to fall, you cant keep asking for a longer life because all those things are there if you have God.

breaking out

i think my face has adopted to my insomniac habbits. i dont break out after staying up late at night anymore. i break out when i'm stressed.

i'm not only caught up in doing my projects, my homework, LF responsibilities, and confirmation, but also my brother's english homework and his history project. why? because my parents are making ME.

i told my mom that i dont want to write his story for him because i dont want to do things for him. i want him to learn how to do it. she said he'll learn if i do it first and if he rewrites what i write. i argued and told her that i know she wants him to get good grades and pass, but what will happen when he grows older and he doesnt learn it for himself?

its easy for my parents to assume that i dont do my homework, that i dont stay home and that i dont sleep because they witness it with their own eyes. they always try to keep up with what i do which makes it all the more confusing on my part; they know i go to more meetings, so dont you think they'd know that i have more responsibilities for church? guess what.. they dont. i dont understand why they dont realize how hard i try and how much i actually work my butt off just so they can proudly say, "that's my daughter."

confrontation

its easier to avoid confrontation than to actually do it, but everyone--including the Lord--knows that its better off for your sake and for the well being of everyone who cares about you to deal with problems sooner as opposed to later.

its hard to confront homework, especially if you dont like the subject, you decide to avoid it for as long as you can. its hard to confront the person you like in public because you're scared of what people--including that person--might say. [heck-- its hard to confront the person you like anytime at anyplace!!] its hard to confront your parents knowing that both you and they are stubborn like heck. its hard to confront God after hurting Him so badly and harshly for the umpteenth time.

please don't bring things up and back it out of the conversation once you've realized its unlikely for those things to happen. don't ask me things like that when you already know there's hardly any chance it will happen. don't say you'll do it, plan it, and end up cancelling it either. as much as i try to bring 'em down, my hopes are up. what's going on? who knows... i really dont know what i'm doing anymore. "i'll be your secret.. if you can keep it.."

myspace-ing got me to ask:

question: why do we continue to do the things that make our blood boil, go against our morals, and all that bad stuff while we know its bad?

believe me when i say that yes, there is a simple answer: we're simply just humans. honestly, i'm not up for that reason/excuse. but if that's the case, why are we humans the way we are: nosy, instigating, analytic, hypocritical, living creatures?

maybe i went a little overboard. not everyone is like that, but one thing i'm pretty sure of is that everyone has at least one of those characteristics. its a known fact that i'm all of those things. haha.


question: why is it that a lot of high school girls now days are going for the younger high school boys?

it might just be me, but i, personally, know a number of couples in that situation. i know its not a bad thing, but its just weird. that makes it a lot worse on my behalf under the circumstances that i'm in.

please dont take it the wrong way tho. i'm not going for anyone younger! =P that's just plain out crazee!!


question: why is everyone going to amusement parks; particularly disneyland?

i just wanted to ask cuz it makes me want to go. haha. take mee!! =)

stupid sister

iMReeLyCrAzEE : hey i broke my glasses
ch33secakechica : oh man...good one. how'd u break 'em?
iMReeLyCrAzEE : it wasnt my fault tho. the arm thingy was bent in an odd position. i was slowly moving it back and then it snapped on me. haha. so i can use them, but i'll look weird
ch33secake chica : hahaha...one sided glasses. then that same day you can wear those shirts with only one "strap"...so you can be like, "it's the new style!"

that's all. good morning, world. =)

arguments and debates

recently, its impossible for me to avoid them.

the thing is, i'm very stubborn? [i think i get it from my family..] i dont know what the right word is, but that's all i can think of. its hard for me to let my guard down and if by chance i do, there's only two main resons why: to gain a friendship, or to offer it all up to the Lord. sadly, both don't happen that often.

i had this argument with my parents just now because of my stubborness. its not a big thing, but it revolved around my brother. well, i use(d) that as an excuse, but i know in my mind, it was about me.

growing up, i dont really remember my parents forcing me to do my homework, check my work to see if its right, read my essays and reports until around the end of 8th grade. my brother has received that kind of attitude from my parents since he started school. they've been tripping about how low his scores are in english and they're putting so much pressure on him already about college. [note: he's only in 4th grade.] maybe it was jealousy that took over, maybe it was the fact that i know how it feels to be pressured [even tho not at such an early age].. but i started defending him and arguing against my parents about how they're 'too involved'.

i dont know. i'm just going crazee now days.

i think i'm the one thats 'too involved'.

youth rally 'o5 - ADOREMUS!

THAT was pretty darn cool.

that 'that' link should take you to the pictures i took of it. but i warn you: some pictures are blurry, some are in different angles, and some are just plain out weird. enjoy! haha.

great community cheers. LOC for spirit awards. SH for presentation awards. good lunch. met some people here and there. teared a few times, cried a couple of times. not as much hugging as last year.. uhm. what else? there's just so much to say, but i'd rather not. why? cuz its just too much. haha.

Holy Trinity, one God, thank you for bringing everyone together safe and soundly to the rowland heights raider's gym. thank you for giving us the opportunity to attend this rally for your greater glory. thank you for allowing us to feel your most holy presence and for using my brothers and sisters of SOL rowland heights as your instruments. just like how i cant really say much about the day since there's so much to say, the same goes for you because even if i take all the time in the world and all the vocabulary that exists in the past and present languages of the world, i will never be able to thank and praise your most beautiful name. thank you so much, God. thank you most especially for your mercy and great love.

Mama Mary, please take us into your arms and cover us with your mantle of protection. May you bring us closer to your son, our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ. With your prayers, we know that we will be able to succeed in whatever we put our minds to; whether it be to purify our intentions or to get over deadly sins such as laziness, we know we will make it with you by our side. most chaste virgin, i ask that you please continue to interceed for us so that we may become more like you and your son. thank you for your constant prayer and for your love.

oh! and linsday is cool cuz she drove me home from ihop with austine. =)

paragraph = person

i chose you over them. how could i? i have no idea. you didnt even bother to deal with me. you didnt reply back for hours and i bet you just sat there having fun with your great friends. i so want to vent to you right now, but i know all you'll do is laugh and not take me seriously. why? because i know i'm tripping over stupid little things. but you know what? the stupid little things matter to me and i hope it does to you too. the fact that i chose you over them is a little action for now.. but i guarantee you that it will be a big thing.. eventually.

you need to shut your face, you BS talker. almost everything i hear from you is either hypocritical or all about you. open your eyes; the world doesnt revolve around you with your drama and your problems that you choose to run away from. you know that. you act like there are only a selected few that has your back and the rest is there to attack you. foo, i wouldnt be saying this right now if i didnt care about you. yeah, i talk and vent on blogs--i'm doing it now. the difference between you and me: i'm doing it out of love.

all up on each other, huh? i know you're a freekin couple and so does the whole damn world. i'm glad you respect the public eye and dont make out in front of everyone, but groping is sick too. you act like no one sees you guys holding on to each other like there's no tomorrow or feeling up on each other like you guys are married. reality check: you're not married and you're no where close to even being able to get married. you said the bible verse yourself, so follow it and follow Him, you 'in-love idiot'.

how could you lie to me like that? okay, i'm going a little overboard. you didnt lie, but you didnt tell the whole truth either. i know we're not at that level where we tell each other almost everything, and i respect that. but i thought you'd at least tell me that. i dont know why but when you finally told me, after how long, i was pissed. why? because i felt like i forced you to tell me. i know you didnt want to tell me and you were just being nice, so thank you for that, but i still dont understand why you didnt tell me.

this is enough for now. i cant handle anymore. good night. youth rally. woot.

school

i was asked if i hate school and i replied with a 'sometimes..' i dont hate the actual school, i dont hate the people that work and learn in the school, but i hate the work that comes with school. its why i'm on my art teacher's apple/powerbook right now instead of drawing/painting.

i know its only april and tha school doesnt end til june, but i feel like i really will miss this year. aside from the 'depressed days' that i have, this year was pretty great and is pretty great over all. i'm on good terms with all of my teachers and didnt really have drama with anyone in school. i made lots of new friends in my classes and i feel like i've changed and matured so much more because of them.

speaking of 'depressed days'..

cheska, sorry for making you unhappy. sorry to those who got worried about me. but please don't worry, i'll be all right. if you are, then i ask that you please pray for me because we can never have enough prayers.

yeah, i laugh, i cry.. i do all those things that it says on my banner thingy. but the thing is, i dont do it for myself. i do it for others to fit in. its all for show. when i'm 'depressed' is when i'm most honest. so at least please be happy when you see me depressed because you have two reasons to be: [1] i'm being honest to the world and to myself. [2] if you're happy, you might influence me to be happy. =)

so the reason why i was pissed is cuz too many people were messing around yesterday. there is a time for foolishness, seriousness, and boredness. yesterday was not a day to mess around and BS everything. its why i was all pissed: when it comes to dealing with certain things that are important [like conversion of people's souls], don't mess around. yes, from time to time, we need to crack jokes to lessen the pressure that is upon our shoulders, but when you dont get it right after a third try, or if the project is due tomorrow or sometime soon and you only have hours til there's no more time to work on it and havent completed it yet, then you are messing around too much.

i'm not talking to anyone, but everyone. this is just a fair warning that if you work with me, you really do gotta work.

the pope's funeral was earlier this morning in pacific time. i wish i stayed up to see it.

respect

please, do take note that i write this out of honesty and do not intend to hurt or offend anyone in any particular manner. if i end up doing so after you read this, please know that i am sorry for having offended you. thank you.

'they' say that in order to gain respect, you have to let your reputation be known. what 'they' dont know is that you gain your reputation by your means of showing respect.

i'm sorry to say it, but many people pass judgement based on one's appearance. if you wear proclubs and AAAs, then you're a gangster or thug or a trying-hardcore-wanna be. if you wear hollister or ambercrombie, you're a baller. if you wear pins and mix and match, you're either emo, a rocker, or trying to be one of them. its just how it is now days..

hopefully, you noticed how i didnt talk about respect in there. i believe respect is not shown by what you wear, but how you act. i know its not my job or responsibility to judge others, but sometimes i cant help but doing so. but i do not base the judgments i make upon people on they way they dress, but on how they act in places like church and school, and how much respect they show towards other people.

kids my age were being kinda rude and were disturbing during the Eucharistic Celebration for John Paul II [may he rest in peace]. they were hardly showing respect towards the presider [Bishop Salazar] nor the choir members and ushers. it made me want to yell at them because i thought 'if they're not showing respect, why should i respect them?' but then i realized that they would think the same of me if i said something towards them. i respected them and how they didnt know much about mass yet to appreciate it as much as i do and let them be.

was it right for me to do that? who knows.. but i hope one day that at least one of them read this entry to realize that if one wants respect, you gotta show it.

commitment

i have commitment issues. its hard for me to stick with something for a long period of time. whether it be layouts, blog servers, favorite school subject, or whatever.. i get tired of it and i'll eventually change things up.

it scares me. the analytical questions come to mind when i say i have commitment issues. 'what if i get into a relationship?' 'how long would that last?' 'if i can't commit to even a friendship, do i have the right to call anyone a best friend?' i dunno..

i have trouble commiting to friendships. its why i know so many people but at the same time, i'm not really that close to anyone. yes, i put a lot of work into getting to know the person themselves, but when it comes to them knowing me, they dont discover much. all they see is my exterior: sarcastic, abnoxious, a thinker, guitar player...

i've lost too many friends already due to distance, lack of communication, and/or lack of time that we spend together. to know that i once confided in them my deepest thoughts and secrets and suddenly have them disappear hurts me. it makes it harder for me to really open up to people and to make real friends.

a lot of people consider me blunt and serious when it comes to personal matters. i think so too. i'm not the type to play guessing games anymore because i know that it wont get me anywhere. if i'm straight to the point, its faster to get to know a person, right?

i guess you can say i've grown up--or at least i think i have. but i know i'm still growing.

its probably part of the reason why i moved to blogger. i'm no longer the foolish girl who constantly talks about her daily activities; i'm the girl who talks about daily thoughts.

though they may be boring, i'd like to thank you for keeping up with these thoughts and constant rants of mine--whoever you may be.

i wear you

i read it somewhere.. i think my sister's blurty.. about how you meet someone and you 'wear' them. its like something about their personality catches on to you, and you 'wear' that personality and show it off to more people. ergo, i wear you and you wear me.

a relationship goes both ways. it wont last unless both people participate in both talking and listening. so for another to repeat the words you once said to them is flattering because it allows you to realize that that person really was listening to you and appreciates your mind, how you think, and what you have to say especially when it comes to them and how much you care for them. it shows how much and how proudly they wear you.

to experience such a thing is a blessing. you realize that you have no idea how easily one could influence the minds and hearts of others--despite their age. you realize that people can and will be brought closer to God if you really do try. this little realization allows you to be inspired and feel rejuvinated in such an indescribable way.

basically, this is a thank you to that person whom i chose to leave anonymous. thank you for listening to my insane theories, my rebelious issues, and most especially to the 'insightful' words that come from God through me. thank you very much.

1st post

not sure what to write about.
poetry? thoughts? lyrics? story of my life, maybe?
who knows.. we'll see how it all plays out.

i dont know why i created this blogger. my blurty is being used once more for deconstruction-ing purposes and my xanga is/was working just fine. i dont even know why i post things online for the world to read. i dont know a lot of things, but i do know that being the the state of boredom causes one to do unthinkable and unmentionable things--like making a blog.