living in the shadows

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

praise God because i'm living in the shadows. i'm a 'monkey'; monkey see, monkey do. i live in the shadows of everyone: my sister, rozette, rose, noel, cheska, lindsay, anthony, etc.. i lecture my brother the way my sister lectures me; randomly but straight up. i enjoy dancing and tried out for streetdance thinking about how fun it looked while rozette did it. i aspire to have musical talent like rose and play songs beautifully. i desire to be able to play many instruments and use that talent to praise God like noel. i 'train' to have the angelic voices which cheska and lindsay have. i pretty much copy my style of worship leading and running music ministry practice from anthony.

sure, i've made a name for myself. how? by being able to do what others did. i'm known to be the 'all around' type of person. why? because i copy the things from the people i admire most. the thing is, its not better than what they've done and i know it never will be because i'm not the OG one.

i'm not really disappointed or anything, but really, i'm glad i realized it. despite the fact that i desire to be someone great in different aspects of life, i'm not and i know that this is God's plan for me. =)

i guess subconciously, i'm trying to make a name for myself by being the 'rebelious child'. i dont intend to get my parents mad or disappointed at me, but i've been 'pushing their buttons' more often. i stay out late, invite people over all the time and whatnot.. while lindsay was driving me home earlier, i told her i didnt know why i was doing so, but now i think i do.

i think its because i'm stressed out. i'm not saying i cant handle it, cuz i know that God will get me through it. i'm saying that there's a lot that needs to get done and i need time to rest and chill. i cant just stay home and sleep or just sit around alone because i'll be ridiculed and called lazy or get lectured about how all i do at home is eat, sleep, and shower/clean myself up. its why i invite people over. my family's saying that i invite people too often to the house, so i try not to do it and end up at someone else's house doing the same thing: pretty much nothing. i end up staying later than expected because i totally enjoy having no responsibilities. that's how and why i push my parents' buttons..

its 1:30. i've been on this entry for 40 minutes already. there's core later. i have to make up for my 'galavanting' tonight so that means a load of chores. i gots to teach my brother basics on the drums cuz i told him i would. i need to make the corporal works flyer. i should sleep.

my chemical romance's song, says it the best: so long and goodnight.