amen

St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in our day of battle; protect us against the deceit and wickedness of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And you, O prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God banish into hell Satan and all of the evil spirits who roam through the world seeking the ruin of souls.
Amen.

spiritual warfare is hitting us hard this summer. please continue to pray for the LSS team and participants. although LSS over, our spiritual journey is not.

sunday morning with gene.
please read that. you dont have to read the whole thing, but at least start from the 1:45:01 point to the 2:04:50. i know it might seem long and i'm leaving it up to you if you really wanna read it or not.
oh, and for all the stuff with andrew i talked about, i'm not exactly sure on the specifics because when i talked to him, it was rushed. so dont take my word for it. ask him if you really wanna know what happened.

cant help it

i cant help but smile. =D what else can i do? so many blessings!! hehe. praise God!

fr. raymond is cool. =) i'm so glad that he's at least familiar with me [like he knows i'm in LF and play guitar and whatnot] cuz when he gives me advice, its something that he knows i could do and stuff, ya know?

too bad i missed fr. george's talk cuz i went to confession. there were a lot of people tonight but praise God that the parishoners are taking advantage of this very awesome sacrament! =)

hanging out with SLC's youth is pretty cool! they're some cool kids i tell ya.. cool kids who dont look their age. haha. you got 14 and 15 year olds looking 17 or whatnot and being all tall.

it was nice to have a lot of people to hang out with tonight. =) i havent hung out with people like christy, charisse, andrew baladad and stuff in a while and i didnt realize how much i missed it!

i hung out with jonic cuz everyone was in one circle or another having their conversations. jonic is gene's lil bro and he's mucho coolio, yo! he asked me if i wanted shrimp when we got to starbucks. =D and then i taught him some pick up lines and he used it on lindsay and nette and stuff. then we had this pretty interesting conversation about dodgeball and me being old and him being young. here's a clip:
me: you make me feel old, jonic.
jonic: you make me feel young.
me: what grade are you in? going to 3rd?
jonic: uh-huh. why? what grade are you in?
me: going to 11th. lets pretend that i'm in 1st grade so i feel young and that you're still in 3rd grade so you feel old, okay?
jonic: noo! i wanna be in 11th grade..
me: *laughs and smiles* why's that?
jonic: so i can pretend that i'm really old and so that you can feel young.. *gives a shy smirk*

haha man.. he's like gene. very gentlemanly even when he tries not to be.. haha.

okay, well we're singing for mass tomorrow/later. its kinda last minute and noel told me before we left the annex that i'm conducting so i should get sleep. =) good morning, world!

that smile..

warning

i'm breaking out, i'm constantly complaining about nothing, i'm noticing the little things and they irk me, my prayer life is kinda going down and its almost been 5 weeks. [i think i go on a 6-week schedule.. 7 maybe.. i'm lucky, arent i?] i honestly hope you get what i'm saying. if you do, take it as a warning, k? =) thanks!

haha i dunno what else to blog about. i feel like keeping the day to myself so i shant blog about that...

haha shant.. that's a word right? its like.. shall not combined as one word?? hahaha i'm dumb.

"i wanna be a heartbraker but with non-catholic girls." -my friend
i swear! that boy is funny when its late and when we're both delirious.. haha.

its weird but i think i wanna be one but for non catholic guys.. haha.

k i should get off now. good morning, world! LF, i'll see ya in a couple of hours!!

plans, anyone?

there's the dance at stanton today. i have no idea if i'm going cuz i dont have a ride and i'm broke. i'm in the mood to dance but i dont want to 'dress to impress' tonight.

there's SLY at long beach. havent visited them in a while. and andrew argel's giving a talk.

what to do.. what to do..

i should just take pictures. but its not fun when i'm alone. i need cool, photogenic people like lindsay, cheska, austine, gene.. all those kids..

i gotta go cook the salmon for my daddy so that he has something to eat when he gets home from work. off i go! =) byee!

deng..

my camera's being stupid. it deleted all these pictures i had from yesterday of me, cheska, and lindsay. =/ that soo bites!!

i'm just glad that cheska got more pictures than i did.

what's on the adgenda today? i think i was suppose to go to morning mass, but then i didnt hear my phone ring and i woke up to find it on silent. i didnt hear lindsay or gene call my phone so i didnt wake up. i think i'm suppose to coregraph the waltz for lindsay's debut today, but i dunno if that's still on. then off to the nini's to prep for another kind of LSS thingy at wilmington. then head off to wilmington at 7pm til who knows when.

so i've been trying to read my summer book. almost a month after i read the first chapter, here i am reading the 2nd and 3rd. i'm fine with answering the questions and being all analytical or whatever, but i just cant seem to get interested in the book. it sucks cuz if i were into the book, it'd probably be either on task or ahead by now. =/

i still havent gotten harry potter yet and that bites too.

okay, well that's it for now. =) byee.

swat team

everyone has their own swat team. if not a physical one, then a spiritual one. cuz God and Mama Mary always has your back. =)

but really tho, i cant seem to blog enough about LFers. i mean this past month alone was spent with a group of kids i really do love who really will be there even if you dont call out their names.. that's a tight swat team right there.

i mean its not just LF. i know people i come across and get close with will always have my back. i'm not taking their word for it, i'm taking their heart for it. cuz i know when they say it, they dont JUST say it.. they mean it with their heart. so for all those who said "i'm not always gonna be here for you, but i'm always gonna try to be." or for all those who said "i got you" even during a simple game of halo. or for all those that i've told those words to.. thank you for being there for me and remember that i will always try to be there for you. =)

i'm just in this state of love and happiness. i LOVE it. and i especially LOVE LOVE--i love God cuz God is love.. yay! =)--because He's given me so many blessings like the loving and caring people in my life. =)

love y'all, fools. <33

its hottt

it wasnt as hot as last week.. but i was sick last week so that felt a little cold. now that i'm better, its just plain out hot! haha.

you guys should see cheska's myspace. its full of pictures that i took. =D

if you wanna check out the LSS pictures, click on my Yahoo! photos link found on the right. over there -->

i just realized i dont have a copy of anthony doing 'call him up'. that's a MUST have! someone send me picturesss from their cameraaa!! =D

myspace is pretty cool. ian, one of the participants from the LSS, got my sn through myspace and he actually IMed me. he's a pretty cool guy, i tell ya. and i got to know jackie [tabatt] more cuz she couldnt sleep and she decided to stay up and talk to me. geraldine too. they're cool bunches of incoming freshies. it was so weird tho cuz gene hit the sack at 12:30 and usually i'd talk to him here and there and not these young, freshhh kids. haha. [freshhh is their group name from LSS; jackie and ian and geraldine were all in the same group.]

hehe. i get to see anthony tonight. yayee! =)

bored

haha shoot.. not as many meetings means less 'hang out' opportunities afterwards. haha. i miss my LFers..

"after LSS, i dont wanna see your faces anymore man!" i started saying that at a certain point, but man! thats soo not true. haha.

so LSS details? they're within the pictures that half the youth are gonna start jacking cuz i'm cool like that. =) right, kiddos? wrong!! its cuz the people in it [LFers] are cool. that's why they're gonna start jacking them.. hehe.

well henri, antoinette, austine, cj, gp, cheska, lindsay, and andrew were just here. at first it was just cheska, austine, and drew, but then suddenly the rest arrived. it was fun and i already miss them. hehe.

i miss you fools! =)

LSS '05 - day2

its done. too tired. will do more later. for pictures, click link. --> pictures are up.

praise God.

post script: the finger in the picture is Mr. LSS --> Lickety Schmickety Smear. =D

LSS '05 - day1

its 10:30 on a saturday night and i'm already home. weird, huh? and no one's on cuz it seems like everyone decided to go to disneyland. haha.

LSS was great. not THAT big of a turn out, but its still a good turn out. =) praise God! i think the talks given today were a lot better than the run throughs. the participants were good sports and i think they really did have fun. things got a little hot and stuff, but everyone didnt seem to mind that much. i think the team had fun. =)

then off to the family party/novena. great food!! kickin it with the nephew [my cousin's son] and some other kids. of course, we prayed and stuff. i ended up knocking out on the couch. kareoke and stuff. it was nice to see the fam bam again--even tho we werent all there.

didnt go to prayer meeting but i'm really tired which is weird. i think my talk wore me out. haha. anyway, another day to go! i'll post day one pictures up on my yahoo thing so go check it out. [links are on the right. -->]

my goodness myspace!

okay, so i have this baby neice. she's not much of a baby anymore--heck she's probably taller than me already--but then again i'm really short.. anyway! i watched her grow up. i used to sleep over her house and take care of her and her younger sister. she's now turning 14 and her sister is turning 5. i go on myspace and look at her cousin's space. he's 15 now. he's sorta like my nephew/cousin kinda type of thing. i dont know how i'm related to him or his older brother, who is 16, but we're related and we've all slept in the same room before.

that older brother drives a very expensive car now and has a really pretty girlfriend. that cousin has a new girl friend again and he constantly takes pictures of them making out. my neice has a boyfriend for who knows how long.. my other neice, the 5 year old one, acts too mature for her age [seriously--she gets her nails done when her mom and older sister does and wears ugg boots during the winter].

anyway, i really cant believe that these people are just growing up. i've seen them before puberty hit and look at 'em now! i'm not even 16 yet, but gosh.. babysitting those kids--even those two boys who are practically my age--makes me feel old enough to say, "they grow up so fast.."

i dunno if i should be proud or a little sad to say i was a part of their lives. i hardly see any of them anymore and when i do, its not like we talk freely like we used to when we were in middle school or whatever.. but i miss those days dearly.

i've missed out on a lot but gain a lot through myspace. its not good for me.

whoaaa

LSS [Life in the Spirit Seminar] + tough kids = trials, trials, TRIALS!!!

i'm not much of a math wiz--or at least i'm not as good as i used to be--but doode.. the trials are coming in fast and hard.

k, off i go to do some adoration and some more praying. wooshh.

Lord, let your will be done..

better. =)

i'm feeling much better. i even picked up some sticks and jammed on anthony's set yesterday evening. =)

yehknoe, i really dont blame guys for asking if girls are on their rags once girls get moody. half the time, the guys do guess right, dont they? i dunno why i brought that up, but i just thought i should.. hahaha.

anyways, whoever's been praying, thank you for doing so, but please continue to pray for the LSS. =) we're doing a great job praying so we cant stop now!

sickkk

my nose is constantly running. i sneeze like every 30 seconds, stop for 10 minutes, and then start sneezing again. i'm light-headed and almost threw up. my cough sounds nasty like a mug cuz its all phlegmy. i've worn a sweater since yesterday and i was still kinda cold. all i've done is sleep, eat, and drink medicine and loads of water. i'm sick.

i'm probably just a little worse than cheska. i think lindsay has it a lot worse. =/ both andrew baladad and andrew argel are doing better. don knocks out randomly every now and then, but he seems better to me. i think leila is better, but i havent heard much.

please pray for the LSS team. i think this year's situation is by far the worst one yet. the devil is hitting us hard. =/

i've been sleeping all day [except when christy and the people for decorations came] but my eyes are hurting so i think i'll sleep again.

thanks, christy. =)

come out, come out, wherever you are

i watched hide and seek with my cousins. its an alright movie. i kinda knew what was gonna happen half way through it tho.

"Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and i will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

one has the capability to hide him/herself from the world, but not God. as much as he or she tries to get away, the Spirit will always be there by their side and the eyes of Love will always be watching over him and her.

so what's the use in hiding from the world? to get away from embarrassment? to lessen the pain inflicted by the harsh tongues of others? but really tho, it shouldnt matter. the more you experience and the more often you lift it up to God, the more graces you'll receive.

God sees who you really are and He still loves you. if you go to Him, he will take on your load of worries, your troubles, your burdens because He loves you that much. so just come out from wherever you are and however you are--if you're in the state of grace or not, if you feel sorrow or happiness; it doesnt matter--and go to Him and you should find peace.

let your light shine. let your love spread across the nations. let God in your life. let him use you to inspire others. let go and let God.

its a matter of making baby steps. i'm slowly getting there. how? by reflecting on the day--no matter if it was a good, not so good, or a bad day--after its long gone and giving God praises. through the yelling, the little misunderstandings, the laughter, the suspense that happened throught the day.. i know that it was all planned out for me. in the end, i can smile and say "praise God!"

yesterday night, i walked into the de castro's living room [or that room by the kitchen with the tv and stuff], i stood there and smiled. who was there? the LFers. my LFers. i had to savor the moment and praise God for the wonderful people he's blessed my life with. the same thing happened when i walked into the evangelista's [old] house for core this afternoon. i think the best one was when i stepped into my house after mass.

Praise God!

please pray for the LSS team. many members, including myself, are sick. please keep the LSS team, participants, and the actual event in your prayers. thank you.

living in the shadows

Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

praise God because i'm living in the shadows. i'm a 'monkey'; monkey see, monkey do. i live in the shadows of everyone: my sister, rozette, rose, noel, cheska, lindsay, anthony, etc.. i lecture my brother the way my sister lectures me; randomly but straight up. i enjoy dancing and tried out for streetdance thinking about how fun it looked while rozette did it. i aspire to have musical talent like rose and play songs beautifully. i desire to be able to play many instruments and use that talent to praise God like noel. i 'train' to have the angelic voices which cheska and lindsay have. i pretty much copy my style of worship leading and running music ministry practice from anthony.

sure, i've made a name for myself. how? by being able to do what others did. i'm known to be the 'all around' type of person. why? because i copy the things from the people i admire most. the thing is, its not better than what they've done and i know it never will be because i'm not the OG one.

i'm not really disappointed or anything, but really, i'm glad i realized it. despite the fact that i desire to be someone great in different aspects of life, i'm not and i know that this is God's plan for me. =)

i guess subconciously, i'm trying to make a name for myself by being the 'rebelious child'. i dont intend to get my parents mad or disappointed at me, but i've been 'pushing their buttons' more often. i stay out late, invite people over all the time and whatnot.. while lindsay was driving me home earlier, i told her i didnt know why i was doing so, but now i think i do.

i think its because i'm stressed out. i'm not saying i cant handle it, cuz i know that God will get me through it. i'm saying that there's a lot that needs to get done and i need time to rest and chill. i cant just stay home and sleep or just sit around alone because i'll be ridiculed and called lazy or get lectured about how all i do at home is eat, sleep, and shower/clean myself up. its why i invite people over. my family's saying that i invite people too often to the house, so i try not to do it and end up at someone else's house doing the same thing: pretty much nothing. i end up staying later than expected because i totally enjoy having no responsibilities. that's how and why i push my parents' buttons..

its 1:30. i've been on this entry for 40 minutes already. there's core later. i have to make up for my 'galavanting' tonight so that means a load of chores. i gots to teach my brother basics on the drums cuz i told him i would. i need to make the corporal works flyer. i should sleep.

my chemical romance's song, says it the best: so long and goodnight.

*sigh*.. filipinos

haha shoot. i thought no one was gonna go to the ASAP show at the rose bowl, then my mom starts bossing me around as if i were awake cuz she was going with my aunts and some cousins. haha. they all left smiling and laughing and excited.

man i wanna go.. haha. its all hot tho. all those filipino guys.. there's bound to be a cute one that's not famous yet! hahaha.

i just called my mom. i said "do you have sun block? does anyone there?" she goes, "uh no. why?" i go, "you're gonna get burnt.. and dark.." she goes "i thought it was inside?" i was like "noo. its open roof. its the rose bowl.." she goes "ayyyy! dios ko na man! [oh my God!] i should've brought a hat.."

anyway, harry potter and the half-blood prince is out today. =) yipee!

lindsay is 18 today too. hooray! haha. this morning was fun. her, rozette, rose, leila, my sister and i stayed up watching 'saved' while eating the big cookie cake we baked. haha funny stuff..

okay i'm done. haha. i'm gonna go sleep some more.. haha byeee!

and again! =)

i love my LFers. =D

pray for the LSS. come to the LSS! hehe.

busy, but productive; great! =)

lots of crying but all for a good reason. my eyes hurt. haha.

praise God! =D

intercommunal relationships

you ever wonder if there's someone out there almost exactly like you? someone who thinks the way you do; someone that dances your way; someone that loves the same food you do?

well you can easily find an answer to those questions by looking at another community. you'll find someone who thinks like you, dances your way, that loves the same food you do. they're not exactly like you, but you guys are hella alike. the way you bag on each other, the way you laugh, the way you argue.. its just there.

when you find that person, you suddenly gain a friendship because you have such a strong connection. you feel like you know that person pretty well even if you've only known each other for a month. from my observation, if the person you find is of the opposite sex from you, a question is then proposed to both of you via rumors: am i starting to like this person?

whichever direction your friendship goes, whatever answer you get from that question, it all leads up to one thing: drama. you'll have a personality clash and although you're not together, something will happen that will wreak havoc towards both of you and the people close to you. it bites like heck and hurts like whoa and the only way you can get over it is through a way that you wont want to: confrontation.

confrontation is the only way you and that person can understand each other full out. there wont be anyone to say things to try and make you see the other side of the story. there wont be anyone but you and that person which will force you to see the their side of the story and them to see your side. whether you like it or not, whether you're prepared or not, confrontation will happen.

but in all actuality, you are prepared. God will give you the strength, the graces, the energy to survive the tears, the pain, the harsh words said.

how do i know you're prepared? because before, intercommunal relationships didnt really exist--at least from my knowledge. before, you didnt use to meet that person who was similar to you who lived just half an hour away. so why didnt intercommunal relationships exist? why didnt we use to meet that person? because we werent ready to face the trial we're facing now. we werent ready to be tested and face the drama. that's how i know you're prepared and that's how you should know you're prepared: cuz its happening in God's time.

let go and let God. its hard, but it works. it did for me.

missed that crap

today was good. i missed it all. from cooking mac and cheese with the lil bro to serious talks to hysterical laughing.. it was great to have it today.

cheska knows. haha.

hooray for the evangelista's. they once again have internet connection. haha. i've missed lindsay's comments turning every chatterbox into a wanna-be-chatroom. haha.

music ministry practice at my house. friday. 6:30pm. that's gonna be interesting.

i'm interested in taking on anthony's old drum set. that'd be muy cool like whoa, dude. =) hopefully things work out for the best and that i'll be able to fit it somewhere.. haha.

new appointments were made. next week is now full. haha.

LSS is 10 days away. eeks! haha. excited like heck man!
pleaseee go! for more information, contact me. =)

lindsay's debut practice tomorrow. ONLY debut practice tomorrow. maybe hang out afterwards? haha why am i saying maybe.. of course there'll be hanging out tomorrow! haha.

okay enough blogging. haha. tired of this mug. i dunno why i still do it anyway! haha.

dance

i wanna dance. ballroom, hip hop, cultural flipino folk dances.. i wanna do it all but without any real reason. i just want to dance. i dont mind dancing for events like debuts and whatnots, but i want to dance with people for no reason at all. and when i say dance, i dont mean freak dance.. that's just.. not for me.
i wanna dance like how i sing/play guitar/play any instrument. freely. trying to be good but not really caring if i do or dont. doing it for fun. doing it for God. to be able to bond with people. to learn. to express myself..whoever i am.

the nice guys and the nice girls are everywhere. but so are the mean ones. its hard to see what kind of people really are because everyone tries to be something they're not just so they can fit in. the mean ones aren't really mean ones, but they are because no one pays enough attention to the nice ones. the nice ones snap once in a while because they've spent forever being nice that it goes on unnoticed.

why do we desire something we know we shouldnt want? is it to know that a challenge is upon you if you do decide to attempt to achieve the impossible? is it to feel the adrenalin, to have the rebelish feeling and to be able to say, "i'm bad!"? is it all just to feel pleasure, to be praised, or to be acknowledged by those who dont notice us? i mean really.. what is it that attracts us to the opposite of what we should want?

what is it that doesnt attract us to what we should want, anyway? we know there's the nice guys and the nice girls, but we end up saying, "they're not for me.." or "they deserve better than me.." we're all equal. we all are composed of the same things, we often feel the same feelings, we all are a part of the body of Christ. what gives another the right to say that we're higher than someone else and say "they're not for me."? what gives one the right to lower themselves and say "they deserve better than me."?
maybe its the fact that they ARE the one for you, and that they DO deserve you that scares us. knowing that the possiblities of having that chance to have something with someone so similar to us is so huge scares us. we're afraid to get hurt.

in the process of trying to prevent oneself to get hurt, the pain is unintentionally.. thrown?.. towards others. it really sucks. i should know..

i dunno where all this is coming from.

something makes me feel like i should've done something more productive today like summer homework. haha.

teaching ministry meeting at 6pm later. that should be fun and productive.

its 3am. i should sleep before i end up sleeping all day then staying up really late doing nothing tomorrow. boo.

cousin love. =)

been watchin some tagalog movies lately. interesting bunches of stuff. watched one focused on faith. watched another focused on hope. watched one focused on 'like mode'. watched one focused on loads of secrets. all had LOVE.

its great to be reminded that without love, without God--who is love, everything is impossible, incomplete, insane..

i broke my record of seeing LFers for at least two hours a day. [i've seen them for atleast two hours every day SINCE the last day of spring semester finals!] i'm sorta happy cuz i got to hang out with family and just chill at home and get my runny nose better, but at the same time, i missed them cuz LF has become my family. =) but even tho i didnt see them, i still talked to a lot of them due to music ministry business.

i wonder what happened during the intercessory meeting..

i went to my cousin's house on my dad's side to watch that last movie revolving around secrets and love. there's 4 of them; two boys and two girls. one of the girls were at school and the other was at work so we decided to wait for them. since it was a movie based on a love story, of course the guys wouldnt really pay attention so it was only best that we wait for the other two.

luckily, my brother brought along a ball and my 24 year old cousin took out a broom and we ended up playing baseball in their front yard while we waited. =) he and his brother, who's 26, were actually playing and running around. it was the best! 9, 15, 20, 24, 26 year olds playing baseball with a rubber ball and a worn out broom. haha.

we were talking about going to philippines too. why? [1] cuz my 24 year old cousin is engaged. [2] his mom and his sister (my aunt and my ate) are going around december too. [3] one of my cousins on my mom's side will be getting married on dec. 17th [4] my grandparents (both my dad's parents and my mom's mom) are getting old and they want to see us while they still have the opportunity to really talk to us, hear us, see us, and recognize us.

my other cousin, her husband, and my neice and nephew were here on sunday. my ate and kuya asked me if really was going. i said, "hopefully! =D wanna donate money so that it'll be a for sure thing?" and they laughed and said to me, "haha you're ready to go, huh? you just need the money?" i repied with, "heck yeah!!" haha.

that's cousin love, foo! gotta love it. =)

no regrets

3 days.. no regrets. everything is still the way i left it. no, wait! everything is actually better. =) praise God!

if you're wondering what i'm talking about, then ask me and i might tell you.

i have a busy july schedule.. i tried planning it out and so far, i have something to do everyday this week except maybe friday, but i know something will come up. the adults will be singing so that means its a probable halo night.. hahaha. next sunday is taken for core and so is the 19th for decorations. then the 22nd, i'll be preping for both the LSS and my aunt's house blessing. on the 23rd, i have to try my best to make it to the house blessing even with LSS. 24th is day two of LSS and the team dinner.

i dont think i can make it to the intercessory ministry meeting tomorrow/later. [1] i'm getting in trouble, [2] i think i'm sick and i dont feel so well, [3] i dont have a ride for sure yet, [4] i have to do some stuff for my family. gahh. we'll see.

good night. =)

blessed

simple as that.

i make my mistakes and continue to make some.. but we're only human. we can only accomplish so much and even so, not all of those goals we reach are perfect. some may be close to it, but nothing can ever reach perfection except God. nothing will be as perfect as God's love. he'll always be there NO MATTER WHAT.

i've been very jumpy lately. very.. full of random words too.. its odd. when its time to actually have words, i'm at a loss.

i have the mentality of a female but show it through male actions.. haha! does that make sense? i know my limits like a girl should, but i tend to go over those limits and act really.. guyish.. and just blurt things out. they eventually sound like one thing, but dont mean it and eventually i get myself into some doo-doo. [like how i did with cheska at signal hill today.. =/] other times, i'm just really overprotective. i walk people to their houses even tho those people are probably stronger than me and will probably have to defend me if anything were to happen. i use pick up lines on other girls to make them laugh. haha dude.. i'm so freekin.. like a guy..

i dunno. i guess its how i learned how to be courteous. cuz to be a gentleman, you gotta do simple things like open the doors for others.. so what do you do if your a lady? its something i've never really learned to do. i was taught that to be a lady, you pretty much just sit there and let the guys do the work. frankly, i dont think its appropriate to just sit there when there are people like the elderly who need help to get through the door, ya know? plus, NOT all guys are gentlemen.. so i take the chance and open that door, walk people to their cars, and make sure that they come before me.

blech. its late.. haha.

prayin

tryina make things better. trying to get back on my feet and build a better foundation; a prayer life.

LSS/teaching ministry. music ministry. so much to do. so much to handle. Lord, help me.

honesty is good. honesty = happiness. if not, then honesty = a happier life. praise God.

its hard to try and make sense of everything, to get to something, and make sure there's still time for others.

busy day tomorrow/today.
starts off with sleep. TM meeting at 9:30 so i have to be up at 8:45 at the latest and be dressed for the funeral. leave TM at 11:30 for run throughn and hopefully stop by to make copies of the worship aid. get to "all souls mortuary" by 12:30 and sing for the 1pm mass. leave around 2:30, but depending on the rides. if i have a chance, go home and change. if not, straight to choir and then ask someone to take me home and change before prayer meeting. prayer meeting. home by like.. midnight?

mom and bro are going to oxnard. they're going to a novena and to go shopping at the outlet. dad's gonna get mad for my not being home. sister's gonna.. meet me up sometime during the day.. probably in the afternoon.. mom's gonna lecture me about trying to stay home more often and then watch soaps with me. then sleep and sunday comes.

you ever read people's blogs and wonder if they're talking about you? just a thought.

gnight. =)

facts

i love my LFers.

sorry. none of it was my intention.. to worry you, bother you.. to hurt you.

i'm on my rag.. or i just ended.. but whatever.

incredibly swingy mood swings; you've gotta hate them. i know i do.

'nuff said.

unheard

i'm the type to dwell in the darkness, in the shadows, and then do/say something really random to get noticed. i act stupid and crack the lamest jokes to get attention. i constantly crave attention. why? who knows. but despite it all, i hardly get any.

its quite sad, really. i really do have a lot to say. so much that i dont even want to say any of it because i'm gonna drive people away with my insane theories, complicated words, and emo spiels. i have so much to tell the world, but i wont. no one's gonna be there to listen.

i know God will listen tho, but he already knows what's on my mind so its kinda useless to repeat it over and over. and its not like he'd really care if i ask something stupid like, "what if eyes were in our armpits?" he'd probably be like: "haha. ronneza you're stupid! i made you the way you are so dont bring up ifs or buts! but i still love you.."

see.. that was suppose to be somewhat funny, but i bet you it wasnt..

i'm an attention freek. i bet you its why i vent in this damn blog so often. i want to be heard, seen, felt, acknowledged.. its probably why i take on so much too.

'too much on my plate'. you've heard that expression more than three times in my posts. but i ask for it. to keep myself busy means less time to think about personal stuff... or at least i thought so. turned out the other way around. the more i keep myself busy, the more i think about personal stuff.

why am i in charge of music ministry again?! geesh. all the worship leaders were equally assigned the jobs noel did when he was here.. i'm just here to make sure that people get it done and get it done on time. i was only suppose to be in charge of the instrumentalists but its not like they need me cuz basically everyone has their own style and ignores my advice. i mean what do i know about instruments?! i dont even read notes, for crying out loud. then when i try to run things, i get stepped on and next thing you know, practice is being ran by leo. i'm not needed for this ministry but i might as well do it cuz no one else will. and plus no one knows how to do all the technical stuff like set up. that's all i'm really good for.

i'm saying it now.. there's about to be a can of whoop-drama that's bout to be unleashed up in here.

i blog too much. screw blogging.. hardly anyone reads this and if they do, its not like most of them bother to say "oh i read your blog.. keep writing.." usually its, "oh i read your blog.."

dont take your anger out on others.. <--ha. i think its a little late for that..

ask me

dont ever apologize to me. you did nothing. certain things just happened wrong.
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you just need to shut your face sometimes.. let curiosity kill you for the time being. your energy needs to die down or else it'll kill me in some way or another.
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sorry.
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ask me if you want. if you wanna know why i walked out why i've been blunt and angry lately, i'll tell you.

as of the moment, there are only a handful of people i'm scared to face and thats because i dont relate to them as well as i should. so chances are, you are probably one of the people i'd tell whatever's going on with me to.

"screw it.."

nostalgic

in order to prove someone wrong, i referred to my xanga. it got me nostalgic.

i grew really close to someone in like a month or two and now she and i hardly talk. she used to leave me comments on xanga like every other post. now, we barely even say hi to each other. its really sad. i miss her.

i miss what i had. i guess i still have a lot of those things, but i'm not as.. cheerful? haha. man, i'm emo..

looking back on how things worked out from just a little over a year ago, i'm scared of what's gonna happen in the next year. will i lose more friends and reminisce on the friendship that once was? will i still be in this state of boy-crazee-ness? will i still constantly complain about my parents breathing down my neck when its really my fault? will i reread this blog and become more nostalgic than i am writing this? the answer: probably--and it makes me sad.

okay, its like 2am and i'm feeling that i wont wake up for summer school. sucks. haha.

4th of july

vera cruz residence for the day. =) felt nice to JUST kick it. no meetings, no real responsibilities, just fun. i miss it already.

a lot happened, but nothing to dramatic. no 'high card low card' or 'mafia' sessions. just halo2, baby. =) fiood, 4xboxes, 4tvs, 16 controlers, game room [pool, arcade basketball, etc.], 3guitars, 3hand drums, lap tops, a good amount of people, and a block party where there was dancing down the street.. it was insane! haha.

[at least] two hours everyday for the past two weeks..

i dont really know what to say. summer school starts tomorrow and i didnt plan on taking any classes. but i know that sleeping all day would just annoy my parents even more. its bad enough that i go out everyday. so i guess i'll go and see if there are any classes open tomorrow to make them say, "well at least she's at a place where she's doing something productive outside of church.." haha. k byee!

unknown

so i forgot to say why i woke up at 8. i had an LSS run-through type of thing with TM. it was pretty cool. i like how things are going. =)

afterwards, melanie, andrew, and i went to tshirt warehouse. since we were near by, we decided to visit cheska. melanie bought her a 49-cent cone from mcdonalds and we watched her debut video. on the way home, melanie and i were talking about the beach and decided we were gonna go sometime this week just to chill.

might end up as an LF girls day out. hehe.

then i went to a baptism in pink and white.. i matched the EVERYTHING cuz the baby is a girl so everything was pink and white. k, well maybe not everything, but close enough.. haha. chillage with some cousins and asked around to see how much contacts are.

i really want contacts! shoot.. if i had the opportunity to ask for something from my parents for my brithday, i'd ask for them.. but i dont. why? i'll bring that up later.. haha.

so after the baptism party was the novena/prayer which was at the same house. i didnt stay long cuz i had to go home and change and get my guitar before prayer meeting.

setting up was hectic! i think i broke something on my guitar cuz i dropped it. =/ but it ended up working again so maybe i fixed it? who knows. pray that its not messed up!

then prayer meeting itself was a little on the long side. sister bridgette's sister who is a sister [a nun] gave a talk on media, communication, and life. it was interesting, but i guess it was the fact that she was kinda mono-tonic [is that a word] and the fact that i was really sleepy that i made the night seem longer than it was.

deicded to round up everyone and visit cheska again cuz she said to call after prayer meeting. so we did. we played halo. haha. cheska was rollin'! haha man, that girl wanted vengance. i kinda trained roxsan which was pretty weird cuz of all people.. its me who helped her out.. the one who isnt good at halo. haha. she's better than me now tho.. killed andrew more times than i have without trying and got second place during her third game or so.

got home like midnightish. confronted my mom about the lost earing. then i tried talking to her more about what's going on and why i've been so busy but she kept ignoring me. in theory, i dont think she meant to.. she just wanted to get her point straight across that my studies should come first.

i dunno. i'm scared about school. i'm scared about life. i mean where am i gonna be in the next 10 years? hell, where am i gonna be by next year? failing? succeeding? its all too much to think about.

everytime college is brought up, i shoot the subject down or change it up. but just because i dont wanna talk about it doesnt mean i dont think about it. that's the thing: i DO think about it. i think about my future constantly and immensely. so much that i dont wanna talk about it because i know that if i do, i'm gonna break down.

i honestly dont know what's gonna happen to me. i'm scared for dear life but i know i should be okay. i know what i have to do and i already planned on doing it. its just a matter of getting things done and taking little steps, but its easier said than done.

deng this is long. whatever. i'm gonna go see what i can do before i sleep..

ahh! not the pink!!

man i am soo not in the mood for pink.. but my mom is making me wear it so deng it. =/

so beach day was pretty fun/okay. got sand all over me. got to dive in the sand and in the water.. haha. i actually stepped on STICKY gum with my BARE feet and hand dirty sand stuck all up on it.. it was sick! stayed at gp's til 10. i think it would've been more fun if christy, gene, jr, noel, and cheska were there tho.

yesterday was.. blah. i was sore and i still am. skit practice was cancelled. off to coldstones and then argel's house. then chillage til music ministry. then music ministry. boy, was i worked! thanks to austine and the argels for helping set up with me [drums, piano, amps, guitars, bass, etc]. doesnt seem like a lot but it IS!! i dunno how noel does it.. then chillage and stuff and worked on the LSS talk. then late night/early morning chats online and on the phone.

slept at 5ish? woke up around 8.. haha. i'm dizzy and kinda cranky. its really bad.. haha.

i have so much to blog, really. but if people read it, i'm doomed because its not suppose to be open to the public.. yet. says who? says me!!

now i'm off to a baptism, then maybe corporal works thing at the argels [i go there a lot.. i think its my summer kickit spot.. haha.], then if i go there i might help with the instruments, then prayer meeting for sure. k byee!