Work

I miss work already. Haha. I can't believe that its been a month and a half already.

In other news, I have really thick hair. =)

Gotta change things up a bit.

Summer Hw

I'm doing everything possible to prevent myself from completing the summer homework for AP english lit. =/ This is bad. Very bad.

Gotta keep my head in the game.

Tapatio

I dunno why "Tapatio" is my heading for this entry... haha. I was just talking about it at work today so yeah.

Question: how do you deal with being hott? I obviously wouldn't know... hah. So if your a girl and you dis all the guys who try to hit on you, you'd be called a big-itch--if you know what I mean. If you play along with their jokes--you know, when they're like "I'm going to marry you one day!" stuff--then you'd be leading them on. But if you stay quiet, and you just smile, then you'd somewhat be a tease. Well, this is all in my head, but please, correct me if I'm wrong. Anyway, how do you handle it? All those guys trying to get at you and whatnot... Just curious.

I really don't know why I'm up on this thing. There's nothing really new.

I guess it's just weird to be home on a Friday night. It doesn't even feel like a Friday night.

That Extra Batch of Love

Felt it. Straight to the heart.

There's something comforting about wearing a guy's jacket when you feel cold--or maybe it's just me.

Should. We should be good, but we're not. We should have this and that and not want this and that, but it doesn't happen that way. We should be better people, but we're not. But you know what? There's always a possibility that those "shoulds" wouldn't have to exist anymore... There's always a possibility that we'll be better people than who we are right now.

The possibilities are endless! Knowing that there are so many possibilities makes me like entertaining certain thoughts.. hahaha.

Tomorrow: School, work, baseball game.
Saturday: Wedding, family stuff, prayer meeting
Sunday: =)

After this weekend, I WILL start and finish all the homework and will soon be ready to jump into school mode. Dare me to move.

Senoritis...

...doesn't exist if it doesn't exist in your mentality. I gotta keep that in mind for the next year. Tomorrow is registration for CHS seniors. God, help me.

I don't want this summer to end. I don't want to start summer homework. I don't want to have to flake out on extra curricular activities--which will only happen if I start to fall back on school work. I refuse for things to go downhill from here. That goes for all aspects of my life. I honestly hope that what I've learned, what I've experienced, what (and whom) I've gained from this summer isn't lost throughout the school year.

I miss so many people. Yeah, they're there. But the thing is... I'm here. "There" and "here" are wayy two different places.

So I had fun at work today. I think I'll bring my co-workers food on Friday in celebration of my birthday. I owe them for the fun, humility and joy. Actually... I owe them for more than that. As boring as it can be at work sometimes, I love it.

Let's make the best out of this (upcoming) new year of life, shall we? No more drama, no more sadness, just a tad bit of stress, a whole lot of happiness and an extra batch of love. Hopefully just smiles and laughter from here on out! =)

I'm not ready, but I'm prepared--if that even makes sense. I've planned things out to a certain extent, but only God knows if or when those plans will even pull through.

Please pray for me. Thanks!

And with that said, I'd like to say:
Hello, world! Hello and good night! *waves*

Okay, so maybe I lied...

I don't know if I did or didn't. What I said felt true. But maybe I'm just too prideful to admit how much of a lie it is.

I'm sorry. But believe me, I tried to be honest.

It's just business now.

Don't you freekin' dare.

Difference...

Do you remember what ____ said about us about a year ago? He's right, you know... We're very much complementary. You compliment me. When we're together, you either make me look good or you make me look bad. Why? Because you're probably one of the most endearing, outgoing, joyful person I've ever come to know. You're someone I'm definitely not. You bring out the "good" in me and provoke the "bad" in me. Together, we look good in front of people, but its all on the surface.

You and I don't belong as partners. I know that for a fact. We both know that things aren't okay. They haven't been okay in a long, long time. Maybe time just got in between us, maybe the distance... but most definitely, our differences have finally caught up with us. We're not the same kids we were a few years ago, a year ago, a month ago, a week ago, not even a few days ago. We've grown in a lot of different ways and we've changed so much. As hard as I try to maintain this friendship, my effort isn't getting us anywhere.

A friendship needs the participation of both parties in order to be successful. I've done my part and all I ask is that you do yours. I know that we're different people now, but I've asked you to hang out, I've been honest with you, I've taken the few little steps I can to get closer to you again... I've tried. But you just keep ignoring me, rejecting what little I have to offer, pushing back plans we make as if I'm always going to be here to reschedule and "cater to you", as I've always done.

Maybe you don't realize how big of a deal this is to me, how big of a deal you are to me... Yeah, you do say "Hi", you do ask whats wrong when I look sad, but you do it all a little too late. You do it all when I already feel discouraged and when I don't feel like trying anymore.



I wish you read this...

Devil

It wasn't God's will. Things didn't go as planned. The devil just tempted me and just confused me even more.

To answer a few people's questions: No, I am not okay. I hate how weird I'm acting... how moody I got today, how speechless and emotional I was... I hate how I try to make an effort to make things better with hidden, not-so-great intentions whose presence I hardly recognize until after my plans don't pull through. I hate how I have high expectations of certain things; I have to get into my head that things are changing, that things aren't the same anymore, that I'm getting older and people will begin to leave my side more and more often. I HATE being like this... But I am.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly altruistic or not. I'd like to think of myself as that type of person, but why do I get angry when I don't get recognized for the things that I do? Why do I do all the "small" things and expect to be praised in some way or another? Why do I feel unappreciated and insignificant, as if I'm always ignored?

There's two weeks until my birthday. I don't want that day to come. No--I'm not afraid of getting older. I just don't want to celebrate it. Especially at someone's wedding (no offense). I don't want to think of it as a special day and act like I'm someone special because I'm a year older--when in all actuality, I haven't been, am not and wouldn't be special at all.

Somethings wrong with my mind. I can't seem to spell a lot of common words correctly without using a dictionary. As bad as it may sound, sometimes I wish I had something wrong with my mind. Like a chemical imbalance or something that scientifically explains why I am the way I am. I'm not saying I don't appreciate or love who I am now, I just need an explanation.

I need an explanation for everything. I'm only human. Yes, I have faith, but part of me wants more; I want logic.



so much for doing the "nez" thing...

Him

Am I doing it to get away from the past? Am I doing it to reminisce in the past? In a sense, I'm doing it to get over the past. But in a sense, I'm doing it to regain the past.

Yep yep, its for sure! I want the friendship back. Wait, Wrong--I NEED the friendship back. I don't want everything to be just business. I want a relationship (but not in the bf/gf wayy--get it straight)! I have high hopes that this will rebuild the friendship that we once had. Well, not exactly rebuild, because it never really broke down? I guess its more of strengthening it; adding foundation. And I honestly pray that strengthening the friendship is all I'm hoping for--nothing more, nothing less.

Why, of all people, would I do what I'm going to do?

If you know me, then the topic of my confusion is, most likely, already obvious, but I probably don't make sense to anyone except myself and God right now. I think that's all that should really matter at the moment. Me and God. Not "him". But for some reason, it's not what matters.

I need to get msyelf straight. Together. Sane.
I need to get myself with God.



Hello! My name is Ronneza Penalba.
I am also known as Nez. And right now...

I'm just doing the "NeZ" thing...

Frieeend

No, not me. I have a "friend" who likes my "other friend". But that "other friend" doesn't know. And I'm afraid that my "other friend" might not know that he/she is leading on my "friend".

Friends. *sigh* Can never have too much! =) Unless of course, you have too many on myspace and it takes you forever to look through your friends list just to fine ONE particular person. haha.

Just to clarify things: there is a difference between "friend" and "frieeend". A lot of people don't seem to understand that. Haha. If you don't understand it, then come talk to me and I'll explain it to you! =)

So friendships. I'm always telling myself about how I want to get over the past--take that however you want to. In a sense, I'm trying to rebuild a friendship. Well, actually, a few friendships. But it seems so hard because I can't just go up to them and say "Hello" and pull off something lame like a pick-up line to lighten up the mood. Because no matter what I seem to do, I know that there is and always will be some kind of tension--a very discouraging factor when trying to start anew. I mean its not as if the intensity were as it used to be: hardcore. And its not as if the situation I'm in is like before: taboo. It's just... weird and full of tension. And I hate it.

In a sense, I do appreciate it. Losing the cliques I belonged to freed me and enabled me to mingle more. It got me jumping into friendships with different types of people--meaning I'm more social now than I was last winter. (But I'm still a bit anti-social... =/) At the same time, I'm more lost than I've ever been--more so than last winter (and boyyy was I lost)!

We had this one session at prayer meeting around a month ago. We were talking about sex. There was a group question like, "Do you have a close enough friend in the community whom you can talk about sex with?" type of thing. I sat there and I thought for a while and came up with "No" for an answer. I can talk to people in the community about almost anything, but only if it just happens to come up in the conversation, yeh know? I don't have a confidant in the community. That's what it is.

I don't have a confidant at all. Well, I have God and Mama Mary, but its... different? I'm not necessairly in need of one. I'm just saying it'd be cool to have one? Haha.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

I write too much. Eh. Its not like I'm burdening anyone... like anyone really reads every entry I post on here... just me. Ha!

I have to read like a 300 page book in the next month, watch 2 or 3 movies and post online about the book and the movies for my summer homework. I'm going to start. Just as soon as I buy the book. Hah.


Okay, so its like 12:10AM right now.
I was just on Myspace and all these thoughts went through my head.
I think I might not go to prom... Ha.
Saves money, saves time, saves effort. =)
If I do go, I think I shall go stag.
I'm a genious!

Sneaking out

Yeah. I've done did it. Out my window and into the backyard. (And if you're reading, and if you look at my timestamp, and if you saw me an hour ago, then I hope you put the puzzle together and realize that I was with you--if that makes any sense at all).

I need help. I don't know what to do. I believe I have great control over my anger, because in a sense, I can manage it just fine. Meaning that I don't go blowing out my anger on people, yelling at some random strangers, throwing whatever I can get in my hands at people I dislike... I can keep my cool. But I feel like its really really really unhealthy of me to "stay chill" when deep inside, I know that I'm irritated and want to scream to the world how I feel.

But the only reason why I hold it in is because whats the use in letting it out and having it seen by others? What's the use in blowing up in front of someone I love and don't want to hurt? What's the use in letting my anger out, knowing that it'll only lead to drama, misfortune and tension between me and whoever I blow up on? Then again, what's the use in being angry at all? I don't understand how anger works. If you repress it, it's "unhealthy". If you let it do its thing, then it'll just wreak havoc. If you pray not to get angry, you're patience is just extended, yet so many things test it that you're practically bound to get angry.

There's a lot of things I'm greatful for. But there's a lot of things I still question.

I still have to do the "nez thing".

Lord, help me.

Heros

They're my heros.

I don't think anyone will ever really understand why I act the way I do, why I think the way I do, or why I am who I am. I don't think I ever will. But for sure, my parents played a big role in molding me and shaping me into the person I am today.

I don't regret giving up my "first car". I don't want it if I haven't earned it. I don't want it if my heros have to work for me to receive something that I want, but don't need. I stand by the words I told them. I love them. And I'll love them more than any [awesome] car, any [expensive] materialistic item they buy me.

I have to remember this day. Not just this day but this whole summer. Whoever you are, please remind me of this entry. Remind me how blessed I am and how greatful I should be to have such wonderful, giving, loving parents like them. Remind me how blessed I am to have a family like I have now. Remind me how blessed I am. Humiliate me. Humble me. Please.