SERIOUSLY

Currently, I sit in a room filled with discarded papers. I've been looking for an important receipt for almost an hour and have nearly turned my room upside down. I have a bazillion assignments due tomorrow, yet I'm sitting here pretty calmly without a care in the world about what could happen to me. I haven't been able to focus on one task that I actually NEED to do. Not only have I lost my receipt, I've lost a pair of sunglasses, a pack of newly opened gum, and lastly, my insanity.

I'm saying it now: help me. I've been saying it for months: help me.

Is any body listening?

"Equipment"

I swear: the ONLY thing I'm looking forward to about going to college is shopping for the right equipment... ha! So far, I've found one of the heaviest laptops to ever be created--and I want it! Mwahaha! It's like a freekin 20lbs desktop! The only thing that would stop me from bringing it around campus (aside from its weight and size) would be the fact that I wouldn't want to risk losing it or scratching the outside.. hah!

I really really really need to get my head in the game...

Good-bye... Hello...

Good-bye, high school... Hello, "13th grade"... HA!

If that doesn't say anything about where I'm probably going to end up for the next four years of my life, then I really don't know what will...

I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house... I wasn't and am not the one who screwed up my chances of getting out of the house...

12 days

UCI. CSULB. CSU Poly Pomona. (Mt. St. Mary's is out of the question...)

CSU Poly Pomona = away; Barkada; know some people; average price of yearly education - $13,000
CSULB = car; keep job; stay home; know lots people; PAC; average price of yearly education - $13,000
UCI = away; only UCI at my disposal; away; Kabayan + Liwanag; know few people; average price of yearly education - $20,000

I must keep in mind that it's not about who's going to what school or who's already attending there. Nor the actual price. Those are the last things on my mind. Its about me and where I can grow the most... OR where I can trap myself and stay in my bubble...

Where do I belong? Will someone just please put an end to my misery and make up my mind for me?

God?

I Wear You

Your imperfections make you perfect.
Your moles, your scars, your broken spirit
Are what I see as your best features.
As I watch you walk away from my life,
Please know that you complete me

With every beat, I smile
With every smile, I cry

As I wear you on my sleeve
I’ll take the plunge, take the fall
Take the risks and leave it all.
For the sake of loving you
For the sake of living in truth
Show me a way, give me a sign
As I wear you on my sleeve

You’ve left a mark in my heart,
Ignited a flame within me.
As we go our separate ways,
I know you’ll still be with me
I’ll continue to pray that some day
I will see your beautiful face again
I’ll see you again

With every beat, I smile
With every smile, I cry

As I wear you on my sleeve
I’ll take the plunge, take the fall
Take the risks and leave it all.
For the sake of loving you
For the sake of living in truth
Show me a way, give me a sign
As I wear you on my sleeve

I’m reaching out, reaching far
Up to the skies, to the stars
Because that’s where you belong
My angel, watch over me, Pray for me
Though heaven, from earth, seems far
I know you’ll protect me
I know you’ll protect me
I know you’ll protect me from harm

As I wear you on my sleeve
I’ll take the plunge, take the fall
Take the risks and leave it all.
For the sake of loving you
For the sake of living in truth
Show me a way, give me a sign
As I wear you on my sleeve

I'll wear you
I'll keep you
forever in my heart

Momentum

I have nothing left in me. I don't know how long I can keep up with this madness known as "life". My energy is drained and all I'm acting upon is my id.

I got home from work around 7:30ish. I slept at 8 and hoped to get up and do homework by 9, but I slept in til 10pm. I've sat on the computer since then, only getting up to get a drink, use the restroom and exercise to stay awake. What have I accomplished? Everything but what I set out to do: my analytical English paper. There's just something about that class that sucks out all the excitement and energy out of me.

Surprisingly, I've been doing fairly well in catching up in all of my subjects except English. Maybe its the support of some teachers that are helping me get through it. They believe in me more than I believe in myself. It's something I haven't experienced in a while. It's good to know that there are still people out there...

I don't know where I'm going to end up. But I have a strong feeling that I'll end up at...

The appeal process is here. Who knows what can or will happen in the next month... =/

Give me a push or something, will you?

I'm Holding On

Everyday, we make decisions. There is a cost and a benefit to each decision we make. Thus, the economics of love is heavily debated over; what will we do: take the chance and risk the costs or take the chance and gain the benefits?

Frankly, I commend those who are able to decide that the experience is well worth the fall. I admire those who jump off into the sky (from God knows where) despite not being able to predect where exactly one will land. I highly respect those who aren't afraid of their hearts being bruised--or possibly broken--by wearing them on their sleeves.

Falling in love isn't something difficult. I've done it many times before (believe it or not) and I'll gladly do it again. What scares me is having someone fall in love with me. The thought of me being such a disappointment, such a disgrace, such an embarrassment for one person scares me too much. I'm afraid to let go. I'm afraid to hurt myself by hurting someone I love (if that even makes sense at all).

What's even more ridiculous is what I'm holding on to: the love of my family. It's only hurting me now; my strength has deteriorated, my energy is at an all-time low, my emotions are out of balance. Because this love is all that I have, I don't want to let go. But because this love is all that I have, it's what causes me to feel the most agony: I'm constantly disappointing the people who love me and whom I love most and I don't know how to stop it. This extended vine of love that I'm holding on to is the only thing saving me from my fear of having someone fall in love with me, yet it's the only thing in sight and within my reach, which is therefore the only thing I am able to lash at and take my anger out on.

I know I'm only hurting myself in the long run by holding on... but how could I and why should I let go when I know that I'll risk getting hurt more if I release my grip?

Damn it.

Don't talk to me.
Don't talk to me about my family, about my future/college plans, about scholarships, about homework, about boys, about church, about me.
Unless you have some [freakishly] good news (such as: my grandfather rose from the dead), don't talk to me at all.

One word of "advice" or expression which serves no purpose to me (such as the words: "I'm sorry"), one phrase of stupidity, one line of an insult... and you can be sure that you'll have a bruise on your face.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
GET THAT INTO YOUR HEAD.

Quit asking me questions I don't have answers to. Quit acting like living and growing up is a f*ckin easy process. Quit trying to get in my face saying you understand--because you don't. You don't understand how it feels to loose three family members from the same side of the family in the span of 5 days. You don't understand how hard it is to be thousands of miles away from your family. You don't understand the pressure on my shoulders to do well in high school and even better in college. You don't understand how it is to suddenly become a parent to your younger sibling and take up all these responsibilities because you're afraid your mother will collapse out of stress. You don't understand how it feels to "run" a f*ckin' club with a Dance Coordinator who overpowers you and is favored by the head adviser while trying to keep up with all sorts of f*ckin' tests, quizzes and projects. Quit fantasizing that I'm some ingenious kid, like my older sister. Quit pretending like I'm oblivious to the fact that my future IS important, like my little brother.

Quit it. Quit on me.
I gave up a long time ago and I think it's just about time you realize that and give up on me as well.

"Sorry"

What does it mean? When is it appropriate? Why would one say it?

RIP
George Penalba - March 30, 2007

3 in a week from different things. Deng. When does that ever happen?

I'm depressed. FOR REAL.
I can't bring myself to do anything related to school--especially college stuff.

F*ck it all. Hah.

Tsk tsk.. Such a horrible time to get senioritis...

Yuckkk.

Damn it. The things I get myself into when I'm vulnerable. I'm prone to becoming the one of the most ruthless bitches alive when trying to repress my depression.

Honest to God, I think I'm seriously bipolar...

I know what I want.