Eureka

Not only am I afraid to fail, but I'm afraid to succeed. Failing at something, failing someone puts a big burden on me. Why? I really don't know. I guess its because having failed at something means that I stole the opportunity for someone to be happy. Succeeding at something, pleasing someone puts a bigger burden on me. Why? Because if I am ever to succeed, I'd make someone out there happy. And if I make someone out there happy, then I'd be caught up worrying about the thought of failing them, robbing them of their actual happiness. Does that make sense?

I know that I try to gain attention and appreciation for being the person in the shadows, in the background--the person who is an important character in this play of life while not trying to be the main star. Honestly, I now question my sincerity when it comes to serving God. I don't understand if it's for me or for Him. I really don't know if confiding my deepest thoughts to the people whom I trust most is out of my pride or out of my guilt & fear of God.

Yes, this may just be another trial. And yes, I know it will only get harder from here. But here's the thing... It isn't about where I should go from here--I know for a fact that it should be the road less traveled. It's about one simple question: Where will I go from here?

I love her...

Don't even trip.. I've learned that ther will always be people waiting for you to fail and make a mistake just so those people can feel a little better about themselves.. Just let them talk but always remember you are above all of them! You're still one of the most amazing person I know! Love you

-Penny


She makes me smile! =D

Theories of Love

I swear I can understand anyone else's situation except the ones I'm directly involved with.

To be continued...

Hawak Kamay

What's sad about some friendships is that after you think you know someone, you really don't. They stab you in the back with words even when you're doing them such a huge favor that costs you more than you can afford. And the more you try to act more reasonable, the more you try and be friendly, the more you try and put everything behind you, the more they ignore you. The more they think you're the one being stuck up because you're not dealing with the problem between you and that person.

I dunno. Maybe I'm generalizing a bit too much. But I can't help it. It's happened to me too many times. I'm tired of trying to salvage one-way friendships.

But even if you need any more favors, even if you need help, even if you need me to do something for you... I'll try. Why? Because I have the responsibility of living up to my promise to you: I'll always try to be there for you when you need me. But here's the thing: don't expect me to be coming to you for anything at all... because right now, I don't need the things that you're offering me. I don't need the drama, I don't need the bullsh*t. Sad to say, but I don't need you anymore.

Dancing

Hugs from behind are THE BEST =)

Dancing. It's not really about being coordinated. It's not really about performing. To me, it's not about whatever's on your mind, but instead, it's about whatever's in your heart. When you dance, you should just go with the rhythm--even if the only thing you can do is sway to the beat. When you dance, you should just forget whoever and whatever is around you--it's just you (maybe the person you're dancing with) and the music. When you dance, it's about being free. It's about being you.

So dance. Dance under the moonlight. Dance under the star light. Dance under the lamp post. Dance in the rain. Waltz. Swing. Cha-cha. Modern. Just dance.

And don't forget to laugh and smile while you're at it! =D hehe.

Happy New Year

"I hope this year, I get to know you better."

I didn't feel like being at prayer meeting last Saturday. I didn't feel like being at my uncle's house either. I didn't know where else to go except the Blessed Sacrament, but I had no balls to actually go there on my own. But God used Andrew for the youth split, and Andrew brought us all to the Blessed Sacrament.

What God told me: follow my heart. The problem: I don't know where my heart is. Maybe I'm like St. Augustine when he said "My heart will remain restless until it rests with [God]." A few months ago, some nuns came to the youth split and gave a talk. I thought I was being called to the sisterhood, I said I'd be open to it... maybe it's the answer I'm looking for... But I'm not ready...

"Kalimutan mo na yan. Wala na man yan, eh. Nag-e-enjoy lang tayo."
Here's a little secret: I'm in it for the chase. But why am I looking for something else?

Discernment isn't for something bad. THIS is not bad. Why is discerning so hard?

New? Old?

I say I'm different all the time, which means I lie all the time. I actually haven't changed much at all since freshman year. I don't have any real goals, any real dream except to live happily by trying to make everyone else happy. Is that really so bad?

I shouldn't bother asking questions to which I would give my own answer/opinion about... but anyway...

Maybe it is bad. All my life, I've been living as if everything will be fed to me. I've constantly relied on others to get my back when I fail and consequently, those "others" have always gotten my back when I've failed as a daughter, as a sister, as a student, as a leader and as a servant. Thinking back, I've never really done anything on my own.

Don't get me wrong. I know it's not bad to ask for help... but I also want to give help. How can I give help when I need it myself?

I can hardly hold it together anymore. Though my priorities are set in my mind, I have yet to find the help, the inspiration or motivation to execute my plans.

Hell... what are my plans??? I just want to be happy and make people happy...

Growing up, I've always known that I'm not perfect and no where near close to being perfect. But I've also had the mentality that despite that fact, I could still be someone people would brag about, someone whom others looked up to. And (as conceited as I may sound) I do feel like I've been that person for the past 17 years. Honestly, I've been a show off and entertainer my whole life... I've just been acting humble in order to just gain more praise for myself... just to hear words of support and encouragement and delightfulness, to know that despite my imperfections, my flaws, my mistakes, I'm still someone important in the world.

Yeah, yeah... I'm selfish, conceited, arrogant. Let it slip just for this moment. Because as you're reading this--whoever you are--I'm owning up to it.

And so once again, we come back to my plans...

In trying to please myself by pleasing everyone else, I've yet to discover what my true passion for life is. I don't have a true aspiration for myself. Aside from daydreaming of the endless possibilities of who or what I could be, I've never seriously thought about my future. Since freshman year, I knew I would apply and attend college without ever considering what major I would have or school I would go to or what career I might intend to pursue. I just knew it. I've always just been following what my parents (and what everyone/anyone else) expected of me. But now that senior year is here, I HAVE to think about issues that I've always pushed to the side.

Now more than ever, I'm lost. About all aspects of my life. And what's worse--well, not necessarily worse, but challenging--is that I have to figure out my location and destination. FAST. ALONE. Why? Because I need to prove to myself that I can do it on my own.

Who knows if it's just pride, if I'm just showing off again or if I really want to do it for myself... I guess we'll find out in a year or a few years from now?

Happy New Year!

Hey... this was pretty long... hmm..