Dislike

I have this strong feeling that a few some of my teachers strongly dislike me. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's really hard to "read" teachers, but I really think I'm right...

Anyway, I'm very much not in a good mood. I'm sleepy and irritated and I want to go home. It was cold and raining this morning but now, the sun is shinning and the day is getting warmer as I type.

Compare

I have been told that I should not compare myself to my friends, my siblings or the standards of my parents. But how would I know if I’m doing something good when someone is not doing bad? How do I know I’m making something of myself if someone already hasn’t made something of themselves? How do I know if I’m acting like a good Christian if I don’t compare myself to Jesus Christ?

Psychology

Today, we talked about death in psych.
"What are you most scared of leaving behind if you die?" --or something of that sort.
My answer: responsibilities.

I don't know why, but I'm very much afraid of burdening people. I don't like passing on my responsibilities to other people. Even if I'm stressed out, even if I know I'm overloaded and tired and can't do anything anymore, I often refuse to let someone else do my work. Is it because I don't trust anyone? Maybe. Is it because I know they already have enough things aside from my things to worry about? Maybe. I really don't know.

Silence.

"Quietly"/"Silently" - Harlem Yu

What is hiding in the air?
I'm a little touched by romance.
I secretly look at you
And you secretly look at me too.
What more did the world gain?
It seems so different from before.
Standing beside you makes everything so encompassing.

I'm still waiting for you to quietly love me.
As long as you keep me company, the silence is enough.
You're also waiting for me to quietly be gentle.
We'll hold hands and quietly watch the sky.

What are you hiding in your heart?
You just need to make me understand.
My dream turns out to be your dreams too.
What did you write on the paper?
I really want to hear you say it,
To let every word and every sentence
Be filled with our smiles.

Remember the promise we made that day?
The sparks that lit that moment
Is what we have between us.
Forever.

Quietly holding hands together is the simplest dream.


Silence. It doesn't necessarily mean consent, nor does it mean anything more than "No". It's just... there.

It's something I really do long for.

Google

They bought Youtube and they done-did bought Blogger.

It has to start from me. I need to pull myself together. For my sake. Then for everyone else's sake. And I will.

Senioritis. Gah.

I will get better. I will be better.

Lord, help me.

Breathe, stretch, pray & repeat.

Lucky Star.

Tonight, I stood outside in my backyard, hoping to catch sight of some stars--particularly of my Lucky Star. To my dismay, when I looked up, the sky was full of clouds so thick, it made it nearly impossible to find any star at all. I turn my head and looked up towards another part of the sky and suddenly, the clouds parted. I saw one star, then another and then a third... I saw the stars, sparkling above me. I realized how small my problems really are.

How many people are at your house? How many people are on your block? How many people are there within the radius of 5 blocks? 1 mile? So how many people live in your city? County? State? How many are there in your country? How many are there in the world who are suffering from a grave disease, who are living in poverty, who are going hungry or who can't even afford to drink clean, fresh water? Answer: A lot.

And then there's ONE of you.

"Be A Good Catholic"

Tell me about it... it sure isn't easy.

How do you...
...not get irritated by certain people?
...live without regret?
...know you're making the right decisions?
...dance?
...get over pain?
...tell the difference between wanting to spend money and needing to spend it?
...not get distracted?
...know if someome likes you?
...who you are?

aaand... BREAK!

God,
in a lot of different ways,
told me to rest tomorrow.
And so I think I will.

I know I do a lot of things, but I've always thought that although my plate is full, I'll never be full. I felt like I'll never be satisfied with what I have. I'd always want more than I can handle, more than I should have, more of what I didn't have before. And now that I have what I wanted, now that I have things in my grasp, on my plate, I don't know what to do. I know for a fact that I can't finish what I've started--at least not on my own.

I need my parents. I need them to look after me, eat the little leftovers, pick up the crumbs... It's what they've always done, but for some reason, I thought I don't need that anymore. But I do. Now more than ever.

I need my friends, my faith and those that I'm serving. I need to know that pick up the right food to eat, that I'm emotionally, mentally and spiritually feeding myself properly. I need someone to eat with, converse with and rely on to help me up when I'm too full of it that I can't even bring myself up. I need them to remind me that there are other places to eat at and other people who are starving. I need them to tell me that I can't have everything that I want.

Tonight, I've gotten what I need. My eyes have been opened. Tonight, I refuse to sit at the table and watch my health deteriorate. I'm getting up. I'm leaving. I'm walking away from the table. For now.

But I'll be back. With a better control over my diet and desires. With a smaller plate that I'll be able to carry. With less food that I know I'll be able to finish on my own. I'll be back to make everyone who has supported me proud. To prove to the devil that I will no longer be selfish and glutenous. To prove to myself that tonight has changed me forever.

Deng. Weird blog, isn't it?
I don't even know why I decided to make it all long..
All this food analogy crap makes me hungry.
Maybe it's because I didn't eat dinner...

Goodnight!

Bad But Not The Worst.

It seems to me that after bad things comes worse things, but I believe that things will never come to the worst. Why? Because in the past two weeks, I've gone through a lot and I don't think much of the tension is going to die off any time soon.

So it's been a year since I had real, hardcore tension between another person. And it was a lot easier than now--at least I'd like to think so. Why? Because I like to think that I knew the person I had tension with to a certain extent, meaning I had a slight idea of when to talk to the person about the issue or not. This time around, I don't know the person too well, making it hard to find the right time to communicate with this person.

I don't think I'll be going to Homecoming anymore. It's only $37, but compared to all the other events I've got lined up for the rest of the school year, I believe $37 can be invested into something more productive and necessary. Here are the few major "events": college applications, After-Thanksgiving sale/x-mas shopping, winter formal (maybe?), '07 Confirmation Retreat, Jinger's Debut, a car (maybe?), and then all the other school stuff like AP testing and Prom...

About that car, I REALLY think I should stick with the Lancer. Especially since I drove into the garage door today. Ha. No worries. I only scratched the car and the door doesn't seem broken--just some red paint from the car on it. I told my parents straight up and didnt even try to hide it. Maybe I won't get to drive for a while...

Like I said, things can get pretty bad and go to worse, but never would they become the worst.

Maybe. Just Maybe.

Maybe I really don't want to go out with you. Maybe not. Maybe I just enjoy entertaining the thought of it. I have no clue.

But hello! I visited you last Monday. Doesn't that account for anything??

There are reasons to why things are not working out. I know of some of those reasons, but I don't know all. It's complicated. I'm complicated. I'm irrational when it comes to making rational decisions. I'm busy. I'm not the typical girl. You should know that by now.

Sometimes I wonder how I ever got into this--whatever "this" is. It was just a random spur of the moment thing, so quick and so swift. It's not foreign, but it's something still new to me. I don't know what I'm doing.

Gah. I hope you read this.

Last and the First

Everything's been put on hold. And I'm greatful for it. I love it oh-so-much. Sometimes, it just takes a little pause to truly see how much we take things forgranted, how busy we've become and how little time we have left.

We were kids before. We didn't know how to communicate, we were fascianted by simple house keys and were curious. What happened to that curiosity? What happened to that longing for simplicity? What happened to that sense of innocence, that equal balance of good and bad? What happened to being carefree and just enjoying what you have?