A Lot.

How is it that I can do so many things so shamelessly and effortlessly except greeting another person "Hello"?

I had a good talk with a good friend of mine, whom I appreciate and look up to, around Thursday night. I told her a lot of things I have never really talked about with anyone. Things that would make me cry, things that would make me laugh, things that I've recently discovered about myself, I told her. She told me one thing which no one has ever verbally told me: I'm emotionally scared.

It's hard for me to invest in relationships (friendships in particular). It's hard for me to say someone is a really good friend of mine because hardly anyone knows who I am. Yeah, I have a lot of friends, or actually, acquaintances, but how do I start them off? I get to know them before they get to know me. I hardly confide my deepest secrets, my inner most thoughts or anything else, for that matter, to anyone except when I know I either need help or really trust them. There are only a handful of people whom I've known which I've seriously talked to during my time in high school and, rediculously as it sounds, I can't even "grab the balls" to even say "hello" to them anymore.

Yesterday, I realized that there's a type of person I attempt to form a friendship with. The person is usually subtle and quiet in a sense that he/she has a lot to say about a lot of things but doesn't speak his/her mind. I have this set goal for myself, and of course for them as well, to open them up. I want to know what they really have to offer, who they really are because I refuse to believe they are "normal" or "ordinary" people. I want to see and learn about the other side of them; the intellectual, the analytical, the opinionated, the sensitive side which only a few people know of. (Btw, If you've ever confided in me, then I truly believe you are an awesome person.)

+EDIT+
9:58pm

I secretly want someone to find that side of me. I truly want someone to know who I am. But I can't seem to let that happen yet. Not after I wore my heart on my sleve and had it torn off and shattered. No matter if it happened accidentally, no matter if I know it happened weeks ago, months ago, years ago... I'm still haunted by the pain and the sorrow. Yeah, it's corny and sheepish and stupid, but it's also true.

I'm scarred. I'm scared. I'm me.

It's like skim boarding. Gliding along the shore, crashing into the waves, having an endless amount of laugher while doing something entertaining, something refreshing, something I've never done before. Then after feeling the pain and bruises after taking the risk of getting on that board, you realize that you can't let the past bring you down while at the same time knowing that you can't seem to get back on. You don't want to get that stubbed toe, that scarred knee, that sore leg, the pain... but at the same time, it's everything you want.

It'll be okay. Thank God.