Bad Moves

So I have this thing where I try to be "on the ball" and sometimes end up making mistakes. I really do hope I didnt make any today... at least with the decisions I've made.

I can't be brought down this year. I refuse. I will fight to the end.

Jesus didn't say "Deny yourself, pick up a cake and follow me". No--he said "cross"!
Deng, I swear I love that girl... She is hilarious and always knows what to say.

Someone knows me now. Thank goodness.

Helpless

Today was definitely a weird day. Maybe because it's a Monday? Maybe because it was actually a REAL Monday... You know... those long days in school when you have so many things to do that you don't know what to do first...

It's one of those "off" days. Everything seemed out of proportion, out of place, out of order. I felt so overwhelmed and useless at the same time. I couldn't help myself do the things I needed to do, I couldn't help others the way I used to be able to, I couldn't stop worrying. I still can't. But then again, I can't always get what I want. Scarcity; AP Macro Econ's doing me some good...

"I walked through fire today and didn't get burnt."
I want to be a hero.

Afraid.

The media can really, and I mean REALLY, influence a person. Don't you think so?

There is a big difference between feeling burndened and feeling overjoyed. One of the two can be felt when serving others wherever you are; the College Center, the park, the Church. Frankly, I do feel the joy in serving. My English homework was to think over what I want to do with my future. I told so many different people yesterday... I really don't know what I'm doing with my life (in all aspects). I was once told that I would be the President of Maharlika and here I am: President. I was also told that I should go into the medical field, particularly into Physical Therapy. And here I am... seriously considering that path.

But I have so much doubt. In myself. In my abilities to learn, to succeed. I feel like I have so little to offer... But still, I have something, so why not share, right?

God, why am I afraid? Why can't I just let you and let go? Can't there just be clear answers to where you want me to go and who you want me to be and what you want me to do?

A Lot.

How is it that I can do so many things so shamelessly and effortlessly except greeting another person "Hello"?

I had a good talk with a good friend of mine, whom I appreciate and look up to, around Thursday night. I told her a lot of things I have never really talked about with anyone. Things that would make me cry, things that would make me laugh, things that I've recently discovered about myself, I told her. She told me one thing which no one has ever verbally told me: I'm emotionally scared.

It's hard for me to invest in relationships (friendships in particular). It's hard for me to say someone is a really good friend of mine because hardly anyone knows who I am. Yeah, I have a lot of friends, or actually, acquaintances, but how do I start them off? I get to know them before they get to know me. I hardly confide my deepest secrets, my inner most thoughts or anything else, for that matter, to anyone except when I know I either need help or really trust them. There are only a handful of people whom I've known which I've seriously talked to during my time in high school and, rediculously as it sounds, I can't even "grab the balls" to even say "hello" to them anymore.

Yesterday, I realized that there's a type of person I attempt to form a friendship with. The person is usually subtle and quiet in a sense that he/she has a lot to say about a lot of things but doesn't speak his/her mind. I have this set goal for myself, and of course for them as well, to open them up. I want to know what they really have to offer, who they really are because I refuse to believe they are "normal" or "ordinary" people. I want to see and learn about the other side of them; the intellectual, the analytical, the opinionated, the sensitive side which only a few people know of. (Btw, If you've ever confided in me, then I truly believe you are an awesome person.)

+EDIT+
9:58pm

I secretly want someone to find that side of me. I truly want someone to know who I am. But I can't seem to let that happen yet. Not after I wore my heart on my sleve and had it torn off and shattered. No matter if it happened accidentally, no matter if I know it happened weeks ago, months ago, years ago... I'm still haunted by the pain and the sorrow. Yeah, it's corny and sheepish and stupid, but it's also true.

I'm scarred. I'm scared. I'm me.

It's like skim boarding. Gliding along the shore, crashing into the waves, having an endless amount of laugher while doing something entertaining, something refreshing, something I've never done before. Then after feeling the pain and bruises after taking the risk of getting on that board, you realize that you can't let the past bring you down while at the same time knowing that you can't seem to get back on. You don't want to get that stubbed toe, that scarred knee, that sore leg, the pain... but at the same time, it's everything you want.

It'll be okay. Thank God.

Theory...

I think that One Tree Hill producers watch Grey's Anatomy and take the songs from there and put it on One Tree Hill. That or vice versa. Not that the songs they pick are bad.. but still... I think the songs that are picked fit more brilliantly in Grey's Anatomy than One Tree Hill. =)

It's *insert time here* and you are loved

Maybe it's only me. I've been so giddy lately, even tho I've been sick for the past couple of days or so. And frankly, I don't think its that "new kind of happy" (if you don't understand what I mean by that, dont worry. I think only a handful of people know what that means..) THAT kind of happy is partly the reason to this joy that I'm feeling, but there's a lot of things to add on to why I've been so giddy and delirious and happy... things which I'm not quite sure on how to describe. =)

A lot's been going on, a lot of things that can add stress to my life. But I don't regret any of the things I've been doing. I'm actually proud of the person I am as of the moment. Not proud to the point where I'd scream to the top of my lungs and yell out all my mistakes and whatnot... just proud enough to have self esteem and courage and strength to continue on going this way and to even try and improve a little more.

Keep calm.
Don't get lazy.
Don't get crazy either!
Senioritis won't exist if you don't let it.
Some people may not like you, but it'll be okay.
You don't have enemies--at least none you know of.
Pray for those who've loved you and thank God for them.
Pray for those who've hated you and thank God for them, too.
It'll be hard, but it'll be enjoyable.
You'll make it.
We all will.
Don't forget to say "please" and "thank you".
Swallow a bit of your pride--you know, a little here, a little there.
Remember to smile and laugh; "Rejoice always."
And ALWAYS remember... NEVER forget... those who have gone, the things you've done and that you'll never be abandoned.
You're never alone.
Through thick or thin; through anything, someone's here.
Whatever time it is now--whatever day, whatever month, whatever year--YOU ARE LOVED!

"Call me when you get home"

I like that. I dunno, but it's a cool thing. Hah.

Someone wants to get at my cousin. Something's gonna happen with that. Something big. Hah.

Rascal Flatts is a cool band! I like country. Haha.

Straight edge. =)

Oh, and BTW, school is fun. Not the work, but school itself. I've missed it and especially the people.