"Get buck!"

Hahah...

It has been the longest day of my week. 7:30am-9:30pm, I was out and about. =/ Thank goodness all three of my classes today only required me to think and not do work.

Fun times at the MPR with the ASA Kickback. It turned out pretty well--aside from some minor situations like having Sam being sick, some mellow drama and lack of set-up time (because some of the students had a sit-out at the quad and planned to walk out)--so, yay!! It was a pretty awesome thing how everyone who attended helped to clean up, since the clean-up crew disappeared.

Anyway, a few things I learned:

• I'm an "old" dancer
• I totally dig guys who can dance ballroom (particularly, Waltz--and don't ask my why because I wouldn't know. Haha.)
• I can't dance TOO close to anyone ("step back, you're dancing kinda close...")
• I don't think I'll ever learn how to "get buck"
• Couples who chose to sit and talk and hang out instead of dance (like Lani and Tobhen) are TOO cute
• Teachers have a lot of crazy dance moves to share--Hahah

Woosh. Next item to tackle down for ASA: The Banquet. (I should go find me a dress... and a date... hahah--yeppp!)

Antisocial.

It's sooo bad.

It's not that I don't wanna make friends. More like I can't, even though I really should. Why? My psyche has been disturbed due to past failed friendships.

I had to reply today. Even after the silence and having been ignored for months, I couldn't bare to ignore her one bit. I couldn't let her walk away or reply without giving her an amicable smile. I felt this wave of emotions of anger and confusion hit me right after it all happend; I wanted to punch a wall. "What the hell just happened?" She came out of no where, alone, vulnerable, (literally) as a lost child and I could've walked away without smiling and I could've became a big-itch, but I didn't do that. I empathized with her... Searching for those friends whom you'd "need" to converse with in order to have a "normal" day... The difference between her and I: she found those friends.

In order to avoid future occurances of these awkward moments, I hold myself back and lack the capacity to "grab my balls" and talk to new people, ergo, making me antisocial.

Hope in the Darkness

Here, our eyes are useless.
Identifying, communicating, loving
By means of sound, scent and touch.
Together, separated but whole, we are
Distant from the truth, the world, the light.

Here, in the dark, we find hope;
The hope of discovering true happiness,
The hope of finding love through lust,
The hope of hiding our secrets as well as
Our true and unique personality and mind
Filled with ideas, aspirations, and thoughts.
Through the sin hidden in the darkness,
We maintain a firm grip on our hopes.

I guess it's cut short, but I really don't have time to be creating poems and whatnot...

Once again, I find myself in a situation comprised of absolute silence and ignorance. Why? Why do I always end up like this?! Why now? Why with him?? I thought we were supposed to be super-tight, honest, close friends even if we only talk once a week. I thought we were suppose to be different from every other friendship I've had in which I ultimately end up alone, miserable and asking the same damn thing: what the hell did I do to cause this?!

And once again, I find myself in the dark with the hope that whatever is going on right now is just a dream and wishing that I won't lose another friend. Not now. Not soon. Not him.

It's obvious that I don't belong anywhere specific. I'm not exactly a "floater", but I'm more like a "drifter"; I get pushed by the current of emotions to new crowds. But no matter what, he and I were always the same distance. Far, but close enough to see, to converse with, to hug.

I don't know. Maybe I'm giving this friendship more value than it ought to have... who really knows. One thing's for sure: lose him/this friendship or not, this situation has got a hold on me.

"Hey!"

There's something comforting about an old friend taking time from such a busy day to tap you on the shoulder, smile, and say hello. It puts a smile to my face!

So I've been thinking about joining the golf team. Haha. But it's a "rich people" game--or so my dad says--and I don't have time or money to spend on it. But yeahhh, I really do wanna play.

Okay, well yeah. Nothing really new. So... uh... Good bye!

How To Save A Life

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

Grey's Anatomy played a song I knew. =) I don't know why, but it made me smile when I heard it on the show.

My SanDisk flash drive is a high level of durability. It got washed AND dried while in my pants today and still works perfectly. Makes my money of worth.

I wish my relationships were more durable... (You can interpret that however you wish.)

Something I dislike about busy days is that when too much goes on, it's hard to exactly put into words what you want to say about what happened.

Watched "Il Mare" on Friday. And so my journey of curiosity about the Korean Culture continues. I still can't believe an American version featuring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves is being made and released by this summer. It makes me sick...

I enjoy things that make me think, especially movies. "V for Vendetta" was one of the greatest newest movies I've seen. Maybe it's because of the new analytical mentality I've obtained from my classes, but I really appreciated the movie. Or maybe I enjoyed it just beccause I actually noticed a lot of things I've been learning about like Catholic bashings, the media and its affects on human psychology, politics/tyranny and power, symbolism and strength, cinematography and, of course, fear, love and sacrifices. I don't think I'll ever fully express how much I appreciate this movie.

I commend Natalie Portman. Not only is she a very pretty woman, but she is one of the sleekest and prominent actresses of our time--maybe the Demi Moore of our generation (and I don't only say that because of Portman shaving her head for the movie). She has real talent.

The best part of the movie was just having family next to me. It's been a long, long time since the cousins have been together. Even though we weren't complete, we had a few special people who came to town which made it all worthwhile. We're growing and I'm glad that we're turning out the way we are: separated but close.

Close but separated. Whoever you are, I probably have a relationship with you that can be described like that. We may physically be close, standing next to each other, sitting next to each other and maybe even hugging each other, but we'll always be distant--at least I always will. And I don't think I'll ever figure out how to bring myself close enough without the fear of losing you or without reliving memories and reminding myself that I have already lost you. With that, I hope you understand this message (which is also the title of a friend's song): "I Can't Make You Love Me". I don't intend to appeal to you for your love; I'll simply stay mounted in my position and love you to my greatest capacity without you ever knowing. No matter how far you and I are, no matter how many laughters or tears--if any--we've shared, no matter how quiet, awkward or wonderful our relationship is, please know that if I can, I will converse with you, I will stay up all night with you and I will try to be there for you to comfort you, to listen to you, to save you, all because I love you.

"I love you without knowing how or when or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way
than this: Where I do not exist, nor you..."
-Pablo Neruda

gahhh!

I think I know how to write. I know how to structure my paragraphs and the words and have diction which properly conveys the tones, images and messages I want readers to know. It just takes a lot of time and a big inspiration. The only problem is that I can't do it under pressure or in a short amount of time which is a big challenge I definitely need to get over before the May 1st (AP English Language Test).

Spanish got philosophical today with the hot topic being love. I'm not sure what it was, but something made me tear up (on the outside).

Pablo Neruda is an awesome poet.

Random thought: I wonder if people know that whatever they can give up for Lent, they can "un-give up" during Sundays...

*Sarcasm* Time flies by fast when you're doing nothing.

I LOVE how the "cousins" are back in the same damn place from exactly two years ago but WAYYY worse!!!

I can write

I think I know how to write. I know how to structure my paragraphs and the words and have diction which properly conveys the tones, images and messages I want readers to know. It just takes a lot of time and a big inspiration. The only problem is that I can't do it under pressure or in a short amount of time which is a big challenge I definitely need to get over before the May 1st (AP English Language Test).

Spanish got philosophical today with the hot topic being love. I'm not sure what it was, but something made me tear up (on the outside).

Pablo Neruda is an awesome poet.

Random thought: I wonder if people know that whatever they can give up for Lent, they can "un-give up" during Sundays...

Starbucks

It was a well needed break. Thanks, Christy. =) Ordered a Strawberry Créme with whip cream and, literally, just chilled. Boy, was it cold!

I've thought about it. Over and over. Could it just be psychological? I really don't think so, but there is a chance. If it were, then why are certain emotions evoked when seeing that person. There's an awkwardness, a sense of hope, a tint of jealousy and so much more. Weird, but true.

It's pretty weird how I can't watch a reality show without having so many thoughts about the people in it; their economic status, their culture, their gender, their identity... etc. Philosophy got me good.

Late

Late again. If I showed up to the tardy room, I would've had 3 official tardies. There's a new, rather stupid, tardy policy for Carson High: If you get 5 tardies, you get cited and get a ticket; if you get 9, you'll have a mark on your permanent record which will not let you get your drivers lisence until you're 25. YEP. 25.

Behind each smile is a hundred tears. I can easily smile in school, in church, in front of people who have no idea what's going on. At home, it's a totally different story. I isolate myself from the world, eat and get fat and wallow in the surreal world of television.

I had one of the hardest conversations in my life last night. Full of tears, full of fake laughter, full of emotions... And I wasn't finished. I figured that the person I was talking to wasn't ready for what I had to say. The person I was talking to probably didn't even know I was crying. *sigh* The magic of the internet...

As much as I want, as hard as I try, I don't think I'll ever get to say what I really want and need toward anyone.

I'm not like you

I don't have your strength.
I don't have your faith.
I don't have your sense of humor.
I don't have your mentality.
I don't have your skills.
I don't have you.

I'm out of words.
I'm out of energy.
I'm out of tears.
I'm out of my mind.

Thank God It's Friday

It has been an incredibly long day full of arguments, bad moods, mixed emotions and lots of standing. One of the most humiliating, longest, tiring days of my life. Priase God.

Carson Flaggies: Good luck at Nationals. =)

Get over it

Gahhh! I know I already have a bruise, but will somebody slap me? Please! I need to get out of and over this... phase--oh gosh, I hope it's just a phase...

Short temper + lots of homework + parents who ask you to help little brother out with HIS homework/projects + practices and performances = so not a good combinatin = chaos

It's ONLY Tuesday.

Fighting

There are a lot of consequences for fighting. Not only do you experience physical pain (like the picture on the right) from the fight itself, but also emotional and spiritual pain--and don't forget the pain you'll be feeling from your parents.

But fortunately, I didn't receive that ugly bruise on my chin from fighting. I got it from being stupid. Ergo, there are also a lot of consequences when being stupid.

Just because you're being stupid on church grounds doesnn't mean that you're being a fool for Christ. THIS is definitely a great example of that.

What's funny is that my parents haven't noticed. Well, until I told my mom that it was starting to look really dark. Ha.

Silence is overwhelming when you're listening for sounds... for voices.

Sunny days after dark and gloomy rainy days are great. They're beautiful--no doubt.

I'm bruised--not just physically. With the grace of God and the intercession of Mama Mary, I know I will heal.

Pray for me.

Crazy week...

There's been a lot to take in. Way to many thoughts to organize, way too many emotions to identify, way too many things to have at once. It's not a very dandy thing, especially since it's the Lenten Season. Through everything, one thing's for sure: none of it is "bad" and something good will come of it all. I must be possitive and optimistic, but not ignorant. I must.

Changes. I feel them but I can't explain them.

I have to find the silence.

Kamakaze Girls. The movie rocked. They rock.