AHH!

So close, yet so far... Damn it.

I've been chickening out too much. I'm too much of a gosh-damn wuss.

+EDIT+

Hah! So much for pushing the limits. Somehow, I knew that I should've left things the way they were. I guess my being selfish and expectations got the best of me.

Why did I go to her? I know she's strong, independent, tough to get through... a challenge. But I went to her.

Matthew 5:3-12

I'm just Nez.

I am who I am and only God can stop me from being this way.

I'm a wuss. I'm lazy. I'm a lazy wuss.
Lazy Wussie Nezzie.
Now, say that 5 times.

I'm not going to Philippines.

Anticipation. It kills.

I need to talk.

I'm just Nez.

Goodnight.

High Hopes

The possibility of finally going home to the Philippines this spring is high. My hopes are already up. No matter how hectic it'll be--with AP testing the day after I'd get back--I want to go. So badly.

At this exact moment in time, I am the weakest person alive.

Remember my crying spot? I sat there today. I think I'll be sitting there again sometime soon.

Thank you, Myspace. Closure. It was all I needed.

"Everything you do makes me know how much I love you."
-Christian Bautista's "Everything You Do"

New Year's Resolution

Deleted my last post because it consisted of all the repressed anger coming out as sarcastic randomness. I'm better now.

I'm low in aplomb. Therefore, my New Year's resolution shall be to raise up my confidence. How? Gotta stop thinking about "What ifs" when it comes to simple decision making--like saying hi to a few friends here and there.

I started today. I made one of the most terrifying phone calls in my life and gave someone something which I really hope I won't end up regreting. Until now, almost 9 hours later... the scene of giving that thing to that person and walking away as fast as I can before I did something stupid (like take back the letter)... it's still playing in my head.

It's funny how I told myself I wouldn't let this particular, rather lonesome, situation get in the way of the retreat. But it did. I told myself I'd let go and let God do His thing, but I just can't. Maybe if I understood why things are the way they are in the first place, it'd be easier to sink in. But I don't understand, so it's not easy at all.

I revealed too much today. I told 4 people that I have a crying spot in my room. No one knew that. Oh, now you know too. =) I'm lame.

I'm curious about what people do to letters. I save mine. Then I end up losing it in my room somewhere after a year or two. But sadly, I don't really reply. Am I suppose to?

"We should compromise. It should be me and you against the problem and not us against each other." Related. It's a good show.

"Silence is Golden"

"When your mind is a mess
So is mine
I cant sleep
Cause it hurts when I think
My thoughts aren't at peace...

...Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves"
-Jack Johnson's "No Other Way"

I swear.. I wanted to hug her this weekend.

I didn't get a necklace from the retreat. Ha!

Lord, I need you.

It's funny how, of all things, a retreat results in one of my greatest trials.

"There'll be sunny days
And it'll come my way.
And even though it seems at times
We go astray,
And when the skies are grey,
Know that there is always sunshine after the rain.
Just have faith in Him.
He'll give you sunny days."

Wee

People who greet you with open arms and a bright smile and say "Hello" to you in such a jolly tone and then give you a wonderfully tight hug with the rub and the tap. Hah. Those are awesome people right there. =)

The mystery of people's personality is what attracts me to them. The desire to see who they really are underneath all the make-up, the facial expressions, and the smile is what pushes me to meet new people everyday.

What's better: A family member who will do anything to make sure you do the right things? Or a family member who will do anything to make sure you're happy?

So retreat is tomorrow. I have a final tomorrow. Battle of the Bands is tomorrow. I have yet to prepare for anything. Hahah.

I danced with my Spanish teacher today. Hahah! =) Fun stuff goes on in that class. Salsa is the bomb. Hehehhh..

I noticed that I can't help but look down when I dance with a partner unless I look at their face to speak to them. Weird stuff.

Gotta read like 130 more pages for English. Adios!

Highlights

(Sunday night) Texas Hold 'em: Diocel, TJ, Andrew, Leo, Don, Oswynn, Victor, Ronneza and Anthony as dealer. Winner: Ronneza. =) The only girl at the table.

(Today) Selling $30 worth of beef jerky for fundraising in less than 30 minutes. =) Commando. Rags. Mini-coupes. Hahah!

School and gambling isn't so bad afterall. =) Ha!

Retreat is in 3 days. Battle of the Bands is in three days. Personal Development final is due in three days. Wooshhh.. Busy week.

What's due tomorrow? A paper. A journal. A test review. And a blurty for the 130 pages i have yet to read. =) *sarcasticly* I LOVE SCHOOL!

But in all seriousness though, school isn't so bad once you start laughing it up. =)

Simplicity.

Humility. I need it.

The grace to accept humility. I need that too.

The simple things in life is what makes it worthwhile. I can't stress that enough.

Simple riffs, simple melodies and little harmonies: elements of beautiful music. Examples: "My Boo" by Usher feat. Alicia Keys. The whole song consists of 3 chords.

I don't think I'll ever be the musician I want to be.

I don't think I'll ever be the Catholic I want to be.

"If your desire for God is as strong as your desire to breathe, THAT's when you know you've found Him."

There's no way I'm getting any sleep this month. =/ First, it was because I just stayed up. Then a few projects came along. Then some homework came along. Soon, more projects, homework, AND finals will be here to greet me. Can't forget about the retreat. I won't even be able to take a nap during the week. Give me coffee.

Cousins!!

I've gotten in contact with some of my cousin's (from my mom's side) in the Philippines. They're like what.. in their 30's/early40's now?? Haha. Oldies... It's great to feel the cousin love despite the distance. I hope that when I go back, I'll be able to joke around with them and stuff.

So 12 years ago, well, 12 years and a couple of days ago was my parent's 50th wedding anniversary. If you haven't been to my house, there are these pictures where I'm dogging the camera in a white and gold dress. That was taken during that anniversary. I feel old... haha. But I'm not as old as my cousins in Philippines yet so I'm cool.. haha.

In other news, one of my great aunts passed away. I don't think I've met her. But she's one of my second cousin's grandma and it's really sad to hear of their family. Please pray for the Oldan family and that whatever happens, they find it themselves to rejoice in God's love.

Family. Can't stop talking about 'em.. Hehe.

Oh, I played guitar today. It felt nice. I haven't played guitar for music ministry in monthsss. Since maybe before summer. I totally messed up the fingertips of my left hand tho.. Those strings were dirty.

In other musical news, I've lost my "drum skills". Ha! Oh well.

Santo Nino Feast. Tomrrow. Dolphine Park. Be there. 11am.

Confirmation fundraising: Plate sale at church after masses. Help out.

PRAY.

62, 87, 92.

My dad's parents were married exactly 62 years ago. My grandmother just turned 87 last December 24. My grandfather is also 87 and will be turning 88 this coming March.

My mom's mom is turning 93 this August. I never met my grandpa because he died when I was in the womb.

My grandparents. I love them soo much. And I miss them more than anyone can fathom.

Anyway, my only-living Tatay--as us grandchildren call him--is slowly recovering from a pretty massive stroke. From what I know, I think this is his second this year, and its only the 10th day. Please pray for him and for my family.

Sometimes I wonder how my parents can be so strong. To leave their parents, their home, so that we could have a better life. I love them..

Praise God. Rejoice always.

Goodness gracious!

I dislike school.

A bit of advice: get a lot more than 3 hours of sleep before your first day back.

Do you ever wonder if people are happy? I do.

Debuts

Jen's debut was pretty darn awesome. She was extra beautiful and her court rocked The Grand. =) Jen, if you're reading this, sorry for coming late and not bringing a present.. =/

The best part of debuts: endless, stupidly entertaining dancing. =) I like how I can totally dance in 3-31/2 inch stilettos now--both ballroom and wanna-be hip-hop. Hahah. Fun night.

I'm thinking about mine alreadyyy... haha.

I'm in a perkey mood. I don't want to be. School, technically, starts tomorrow. That so sucks. I'm up til 3 in the morning doing nothing--and that includes my homework.

Okay, so this was in my mind tonight: how come there's always that one person ? The one that you always bring up because you're reminded of that person because of a song or word or joke.. the one that you totally don't want to think about, but you do.. Seriously, what does that mean?

Ehh I gotta get sleep.

Writer's block

I don't do well in crowds. I often crave attention. Weird mix, aren't I?

With school just around the corner, I've been thinking a lot... about the work, about the people... I want to blog right now. But I can't find the right words.

Hmm.. What do I have to return to at school? I mean sure there's my education and responsibilities for the clubs I'm involved with, but aside from that, I really don't know what else there is. I've never felt so... lost.

What I love most about the winter break is that I belong.

Gosh... I love my family. No matter how loud or irritating they can be, no matter how lame their jokes are, after all the small arguments, we're still ONE. And THAT goes for ALL the family members; cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents here and in the Philippines. I love them.

Ha!

I find it so funny how one person could sit around and be worried for hours--maybe even days--about another person who's gotten quiet and depressed and who knows what. Then how some stupid little event causes that other person to blow up on the person who's been worried for days. You'd think that the worried person would now be relieved, but now that one person is angry. Quite odd.

I hate projects. I hate school. I seriously don't want to go back.

Hello, 2006. =)

Again, Happy New Year!!

So everyone seemed to have a quick recap of last year and set some goals/resolutions for this year... My year? It was a pretty darn good, mellow-dramatic, VERY memorable year. Thank God. =)

Have full out discussions. They're great! =D