In 5th period, I sit practically alone. Sure, the other students are at my side, some probably reading this entry over my shoulder, but for the most part, I am alone. I've become a zombie and my mind no longer operates as it should. (But then again, when has my mind ever functioned correctly?)
The unspoken tension, the underlying truth behind the silent and artificial smiles, the bothersome absence of conversations and the aching heart whose only desire is to belong has come to taunt my mind. Every movement, or the sarcity of movement, stains my memory; the image of "them" passing me by, without a word, without a gesture is depicted in my mind as unintentional acts of cruelty caused by who knows what. It's driving me insane.
Why, after all these months, after these last few years, am I so afraid to confront "them" or the hidden issue? Maybe it's because I found "them". The friends would "get my back" when someone out there provokes a fight. The people whom I could rely on when in need of small favors such as getting a ride to somewhere. The other group of kids whom I would be able to turn to when in search of a good time or a shoulder to cry on. I found them. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to speak. I don't want to lose them or the friendship we once had. I'd rather leave it awkward with the wonderful memories of yesterday still in me than worsen the circumstances by opening my big mouth about something that only I perceive to be out of the norm.
Man. Why can't I start writing like that for my papers? I honestly think its a lot better than my usual crap.. That's when you know something's really bugging me.
"I'm just trying to live."
An hour later...
My teacher and I were discussing my future career. (I don't know how it got there, but it did.) He said that it's better to know what you want that going around and doing everything else which is unnecessary.
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