ABs

Contemptuous jealousy. The subject would be an interesting song, wouldn't you think?

I love how 6th period makes my day! =)

Btw, that fail I had during the 10 week progress report.. it was a hella HUGE mistake. I have a low A in the class. My teacher just happened to mark an F for the progress report. ha! it just sucks how it killed my break (I didn't get to see Harry Potter because of that stupid mistake)..

Cuz i'm a cool cat like that. 8-)

distracted and disturbed

In 5th period, I sit practically alone. Sure, the other students are at my side, some probably reading this entry over my shoulder, but for the most part, I am alone. I've become a zombie and my mind no longer operates as it should. (But then again, when has my mind ever functioned correctly?)

The unspoken tension, the underlying truth behind the silent and artificial smiles, the bothersome absence of conversations and the aching heart whose only desire is to belong has come to taunt my mind. Every movement, or the sarcity of movement, stains my memory; the image of "them" passing me by, without a word, without a gesture is depicted in my mind as unintentional acts of cruelty caused by who knows what. It's driving me insane.

Why, after all these months, after these last few years, am I so afraid to confront "them" or the hidden issue? Maybe it's because I found "them". The friends would "get my back" when someone out there provokes a fight. The people whom I could rely on when in need of small favors such as getting a ride to somewhere. The other group of kids whom I would be able to turn to when in search of a good time or a shoulder to cry on. I found them. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to speak. I don't want to lose them or the friendship we once had. I'd rather leave it awkward with the wonderful memories of yesterday still in me than worsen the circumstances by opening my big mouth about something that only I perceive to be out of the norm.

Man. Why can't I start writing like that for my papers? I honestly think its a lot better than my usual crap.. That's when you know something's really bugging me.

"I'm just trying to live."

An hour later...

My teacher and I were discussing my future career. (I don't know how it got there, but it did.) He said that it's better to know what you want that going around and doing everything else which is unnecessary.

Sunday

"There is nothing you could reveal about yourself that I wouldn't want to know." - Dr. Preston Burke of Grey's Anatomy

Tonight, there was a case in which a woman was prematurely giving birth to female quituplet. Three of the babies need surgeries; one has an external organ which needs to be inserted within the abdomen, another needs neuro surgery because her head was lodged within the mother's lower rib cage, a third's left chambers of the heart was abnormally small.

I'm thankful to be alive.

Spent a couple of hours wrapping Christmas gifts with my mom. I'm glad I did.

I dislike Sunday evenings. They're when I'm most vulnerable to distractions and end up procrastinating. Oh, well..

Life goes on.. but to a certain extent. Love will last forever.

On rotation: Jack Johnson's "Banana Pancakes"
"I'll make you banana pancakes.. pretend like its the weekend."

Thank you, Thanksgiving break. I needed you. Good-bye.

"your eyes" by alexz johnson

"If I was drowning in the sea
Would you dive right in and save me?
If I was falling like a star
Would you be right there to catch me?
If I was dreaming of your kiss
Would you look right through me?

On the street I'm waiting
In my heart it's raining

Your eyes are holding up the sky
Your eyes make me weak, I don't know why
Your eyes make me scared to tell the truth
I thought my heart was bullet-proof
Now I'm dancing on the roof
And everybody knows I'm into you

If my heart was sadder than a song
Would you still listen?
If my tears fell on you, one by one
Would you see them glisten?

Your eyes are holding up the sky
Your eyes make me weak, I don't know why
Your eyes make me scared to tell the truth
I thought my heart was bullet-proof
Now I'm dancing on the roof
And everybody knows I'm into you

Every single thing you say makes me want to run away
Sometimes love's a rainy day but life goes on.

Your eyes are holding up the sky
Your eyes make me weak, I don't know why
Your eyes make me scared to tell the truth
I thought my heart was bullet-proof
Now I'm dancing on the roof
And everybody knows I'm into you."

equation

screwing up = missing out on fun

yepp.

one tree hill

It feels nice to be able to watch it again. I'm clueless about what's going on, but hey, who cares.

"6 billion souls.. but sometimes, all you need is 1."

I've screwed myself over more than I ever have in my whole academic career. Just like how I promised myself I wouldn't, just like how I told myself I shouldn't, just like how I told my parents I wouldn't.. I have.

And that's called parallelism. See, I'm striving to learn and succeed in English. Heck, I strive to learn and succeed in all my classes. But apparently, I'm not.

Theatre class is now officially my favorite class. I get twice the credit, the teacher is really awesome, the kids are amazing, while at the same time, I'm me, but not really. I can be me, but I can use the skills I've obtained in the class and act like I'm someone else. I love it.

*With a hint of sarcasm* College. I can't wait! Hah!

mid-first-semester-life-crisis

I've lost like 2, good, useful pens in the past week. It's sucky cuz I'm too broke to buy some of them pens! Quite irritating, might I add..

I've not only lost that, but I've lost my mind when it comes to school. Maybe I left it with my heart up in San Francisco?

Having a bunch of your friends go through a mid-first-semester-life-crisis while you're going through it yourself is a somewhat comforting thing. Knowing that there are people I can sarcastically laugh about school with makes me happy despite the fact that I've got one friend who ran away from home, one who's ditching, one who has drama like no other, two who claim to be head-over-heels &crazy in love, and another who's about ready to get drunk as heck.

Jack Johnson is wonderful. I want his CDs and music books.

Received and made a load full of phone calls today. Well, considering that I usually only get a call from each of my parents every day, it seemed like a lot. All the calling deprived me from taking a nap which could've been productive homework time.

Pshhh! Homework time... early in the evening? Haha! Who am I kidding? =)

2 more days and break is here. =) just 2 more days...

Which reminds me, I need money.

I'm thinking of going job hunting. My parents told me on Saturday that I've been the most expensive child out of the three of us this year since Lindsay's debut. I really think it's true. And (I really honestly hope that) I'll be driving soon and they're planning to get a car, so registration, insurrance, and gas is gonna be expensive enough without my weekly allowance. I figured getting a job would at least take care of my allowance, gas, and some school expenses like materials and club fees and whatnot. But we'll slee.

Good night.

grey's anatomy

i LOVE that show.

271. a week ago, i was doing the same exact thing: procrastinating, reminiscing, and thinking. but then.. when do i not do that?

i should be up for a while. keep me entertained. i need to stay awake for the sake of homework.

no matter what

Even if I planned something with someone else.. Unless I'm out of town.. Even if I'm not obligated to be with them.. I'll always be hanging out sith some LFers. And you know what? I love every minute of it.

Tonight felt like a Friday. I hung out and got fat and talked.

At some point, I'm really glad my Saturday turned out the way it did. I've missed LFers. At another, I'm sad, because I really do miss my school friends--especially the ones whom I was suppose to be hanging out with tonight, because I don't even see them. I'm sure God has His reasons.

The DMV is one of the places I truly dislike.

Singing for Sunday mass tomorrow. =) Yay!

potential

There's so much of it. In me. In you. In all of us. It's up to us to make use of that potential to make something more of ourselves. It's up to us to make it palpable that we will succeed despite our burdens and tribulations.

One thing I'm glad to have learned in my intro to computer class: many of the successful are successful because they do what they dislike.

That statement pushes me to do homework. Sadly, I don't think it pushes me enough.

Good night.

- low IN aplomb

theatre

There's something about my theatre class which i love oh-so-very much. At times, I believe it's because everyone is so different, yet we all get along. Other times, I believe it's because I'm so different, yet they choose to accept me. And yet, there are times when I believe that it's because they know me, but they don't, and vice versa.

We're all from different cultures and backgrounds and sexual orientations. We all are just a bunch of high school kids who don't mind standing in front of a small crowd to act adolescents or as a character. We're all.. just ourselves. We have everything to say to each other, but we say nothing until another asks. Respect, peace, and privacy are highly present within the class sessions. It's great.

While on the topic of theatre, who wants to watch a play with me at Santa Monica? I HAVE to watch it and write a paper. I'll pay for your ticket. I'm going on Thursday, December 1st cuz its only $5. If you'd like to go with me on a weekend, its $8, but I'll still pay as long as you come with me.

I have no homework tonight so I'm going to take the chance to sleep early. Chances that I'll actually sleep and not myspace: low. Haha! K byee!

mistakes

"You have to push things until they break down. It's the same with people: If you dont push ourselves, we don't know what our limits are. Being Right stokes your ego, but being wrong teaches you something." -K. C. Cole's physicist friend.

There's something about english and writing that has always attracted me. Maybe it's the fact that there can be so many different ways and levels one may evoke emotions for his or her readers.. Maybe it's the fact that it's so.. foreign..

I've never been well in English, or any type of writing (except blogging). I don't remember the last time I received a grade on a paper which I would proudly show off to my parents. I don't remember when I even started enjoying English and writing, but I do.

I've made too many mistakes in all aspects of my life, as well as writing, that it's nearly impossible to cry about them. I've repeated the same thing over and over and over again that I've reached the point to where I've become.. stagnent.

I know what's out there, what I can do, and that there are endless possibilities that come with taking a simple risk and pushing limits. I just don't know where my limits are, what risks to take and what to leave behind, what I should do.

In the words of Usher, "Can you help me?" Because I do want to push my limits, I do want to take risks, I do want to experience whatever is out there to experience. And no--I'm not talking about drugs and sex! I just want to know what I can do and who I can be when it comes to things like writing, praying, playing music..

I don't know. I've just been really caught up with stuff in my head. Coburnout. [Inside joke with my English class.]

Oh, by the way, I have a new sn: low in aplomb. IM me, because knowing me, I'd be too lazy to transfer your screen names.

quick realization

I can easily say I've gotten close to a lot of people recently, but I can also say I've grown appart from others too. One thing's for sure: I'm sure as hell not close to anyone right now. Is it saddening? Somewhat. But refreshing at some level. I don't know why.

home is where the heart is

"I left my heart in San Francisco, high on the hill.."
- Frank Sinatra's "I Left My Heart in San Francisco."

Yeah, the home is surely where the heart is. Yes, I live in Carson, but for three days and two nights, my home was the Ramada Inn on Market St. of San Francisco. For three days and two nights, I had a different family, was in a different environment, and was exposed to a lot of new things (including speed walking around the city at midnight while eating or drinking). For three days and two nights, I didn't have any responsibility except to not get lost, not to starve, manage money, have common courtesy for hotel visitors and workers, and tend to my personal hygiene. For three days and two nights, I was far and out of Carson on my own.

These memories will never be replaced. Never. They are engraved within my mind and of course in my heart. Rekindled friendships, new friendships, and growing friendships were formed with not only fellow students, but teachers. Great stuff.

Pictures will be up soon. It's probably already up while you're reading this. But even though... IF YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES FROM THE TRIP, PLEASE SNED/BURN THEM FOR ME!!

Ms. Lonely

"Incessant writing is a sign of a lonely soul." -AA.

Haha. I think it's true. Sad, but true.

I think I should start typing more properly for the sake of better typing skills. Hah! I dunno why, but yeah. I'm getting used to the whole "shift+letter" thingy cuz of my typing class--which is where I am at for the time being.

Yesterday, I deleted all the songs on my phone/MP3 player because I got tired of them.. Then I put a bunch of old songs on there. Not old, old, as in 1950's old, but old as in early high school/middle school/elementary old. I got songs like Usher's "Help Me" and the Backstreet Boys' "Like a Child" and Coldplay's "In My Place" and some classics my dad introduced me to like "Right Here Waiting" by Richard Marx. Good stuff.

"And I'm leaving on a jet-plane..."

Okay, so that song isn't on my phone/MP3 player, but I wanted to put it up anyway. I'm ready to leave. I'm packed, or pretty much packed (except for the little things like my toothbrush and keys and whatnots), and i'm ready to get out of Carson. Frisco, watch out.

So I figured that since i'm getting money for this trip, I'll try to spend the least amount of money ever so that I can use the leftover money for Christmas gifts. My sister said she'll help spot me money and stuff like that while I'm up there, so I guess it's a pretty good deal.

Gotta be at LAX by 6:15AM tomorrow. Chances are that I'll be there like 5:45 or something with my dad--since he knows how the whole process works. He works for TSA and he's been working at the airport for as long as I can remember; 10-11 years now? That means I should sleep early. Chances are that I'll be sleeping like at 2AM.

Insomniac. I've been sleeping like at 2AM every night/morning. I get off the computer at around midnight, and if I know I wont sleep, 12:30. Then I lay around on my bed, wanting to sleep, praying and getting distracted due to some thoughts for an hour or so. It's really bad.

Incessant writing connotes lonliness. Haha. It's truee.

i'm that person again

i'm that person i once was in middle school again. except more opinionated, with more knowledge, and with a different crowd. i wonder: is it a good thing or a bad thing? because i've always wanted to be this--whatever "this" is--again, but what i want is not what's always best. get me?

brushing up and catching up with old friends makes me realize how much i've changed. it's astonishing.

know what i'm up for reading again? "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky. i'm kinda tired of the cheesy romance novels of nicholas sparks. i still need to get Harry Potter.. =/ and maybe some new material out there..

so yeah, if you wanna get me a Christmas present, there it is. books. but a gift card to a book store could work?

gosh. Christmas is coming. i need money.

good morning!

...

there's something refeshing.. something comforting.. about standing outside my house, in the cold, in the dark, alone while the world is slowly falling asleep.

and so the randomness begins.

i want to sit myself down, have some hot chocolate in hand and read a good book while knowing that i dont have anything or anyone to take care of. i havent done/felt that in a long time.

i want to write a book. about what? who knows. the chances that it'll be in the romance relm? high.

eh this is pointless.

my parents

i was reminded of fr.... uhh, what was his name again? dunno. but the priest who gave the talk last night. he's cool. and i was reminded of him when i was about to write this entry.

i told myself i'd start hw at 7pm. my mom enters my room at 7:10 and says, "get off. i wanna watch soap operas." and so now its like 9:30 and i havent done much. haha.

my mom. she's a funny person. its cute how she tries to understand all these things like technology and she takes forever to get it down.

my dad is funny because he gets things a lot easier than my mom. i asked him why its so, and he goes, "because i'm smarter than your mom. =P"

i've come to a conclusion that i'm a fairly good mix of my parents. i get my mom's desire to understand a lot of things and her "skill" of being easily lost when being explained to. i get my dad's sarcasm and lame jokes. haha. do i make sense? =P oh well.

compared to a lot out there, if one didn't know my family, they'd probably think we're ballers. look at all our cell phones and you'll find out why.

the fact that we were almost on the verge of getting a car today--a car for me--adds on to the "baller status" list.. even tho we're not. oh btw, it was a 2000 silver 2-door automatic EX civic. it was a pretty good deal too, but i think the guy was selling it to someone else already. who knows. he didnt show up to meet us so we didnt get to test drive the car. mann, i want it.

so i still dont have my permit. my mom was like "why are we looking for cars? you don't even have your permit.." and say to her, "cuz you wont let me take it.. so who's fault is that? =P" and she walks away. haha. the thing is, they say i'm rushing into the whole driving thing too fast, and i guess i am. but they're rushing into the whole buying a car thing, so i'm not alone. cuz they know i need to start driving. getting rides is too much of a disturbance and i need to get to a lot of places these days--with classes and all.

late

when people would go out of their way for you, that's when you know they care. so what is "out of their way"?

archetypes. they're everywhere. stereotypes. they're everywhere too.

a soap opera of mine called "ikaw ang lahat sa akin" (you are everything to me) ended today. it was.. all right. could've been better, but it could've been a lot worse. get me?

in 4 days and like 5 hours, i'll be out of carson. =)

had a good discussion with leila, andrew, and antoinette at the evangelista's.

cliques. they're everywhere too. yepp. it just happens. i know that i've been in a few.. maybe i still am. anyway, its unhealthy if it excludes someone/everyone. so how do you know when you exclude someone? that's when you really gotta watch what you're doing cuz you could be hurting someone while you least expect it.

kareoke night at gp's house. =) that was awesome, dude! pictures will be uploaded soon!! haha. penny called me and i was sad that i couldn't talk to her long.

then it turned into a half-halo night. well, it was expected since it's been like that for what.. a year? sadly, over that year--or actually, over the last 6 months--i dont think i've really improved much. and not to be conceited and all, but i do believe that i'm pretty good compared to a lot of other people out there. what i dont understand is how guys can get better so easily when i play more often/the same amount of time as them..

today was slack off week. tsk tsk. bad for me. =/

dia de los muertos

eternal rest grant unto them, oh Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon them. may their souls rest in peace.

field trip to olvera street allowed me to see one of the most beautiful adoration chapels i've seen. i wanna go back. i also saw this beautiful alter.

anyway, not much to do today. just more procrastination. ha!

"better together" by jack johnson is still on repeat. so is "makita kang muli" by sugarfree. yepp. lovin' em. why? cuz they're awesome songs and i can play them! =)

san francisco, here i comeee! <33 next week, suckahh! got my ticket and i'm getting my slips signed and i'm paid for and yeahhh. hehe.

alright, lates!